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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

118 replies

PinkBird89 · 15/08/2025 16:03

DS struggles with his emotions. He was diagnosed with autism a couple of years back. He is 5.

Today we all went to the park and DS was saying "I can do the monkey bars all the way" but when we got there he was sweaty and covered in sun cream and he kept slipping. He can usually do them easily. For some reason Dh said "ive got a fiver in my pocket and ill give it to you if you get all the way across"

We were there for 45 mins. DS wiping his hands on rocks, leaves, jeans. At one point he took his socks off and put them over his hands

He never did it. He cried. He shouted. Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. I had to take DS off by himself to calm down. He went up my top and was there for ages. DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

I just feel like a nice afternoon was ruined. DS pulled it together in the end and they hugged and now everyone is all happy again

I do have sympathy with DH view that young ppl sometimes dont have much resilience. I have 20 year old in my office who cry if anyone dares to be critical
DH is trying to be good dad and teach son how to handle disappointment snd try again another time. But I felt so bad for DS unable to do something and he was so upset and it all felt unnecessary

What do people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkBird89 · 15/08/2025 16:28

I dont know why he said the fiver thing in the first place. It was so unnecessary. I promise you DS is totally fine now. I took him off and gave him so many cuddles and told him it doesn't matter one bit. And then we took DS for lunch and a big ice cream. I just felt we had this horrible 90 mins in the middle for no reason. But I tried to talk to DH when we got home snd he was being persuasive of its not like DS didn't have a good day of park, ice cream, lunch, paddling pool etc and not getting a fiver is hardly a big deal but handling disappointment is life skill. But when it was happening I hated it and I told DH so. My gut was saying this is unacceptable amd thats why i took DS off.

OP posts:
spoonbillstretford · 15/08/2025 16:28

DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment.

If my other half behaved like that he'd be soon learning to handle the disappointment of being kicked out and having to live with his mother.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2025 16:28

FluffyWabbit · 15/08/2025 16:26

Boyfriend and girlfriend isn't father and son. The relationship dynamic isn't comparable.

Show quote history

That’s true - a boyfriend and girlfriend would both be adults and so much less vulnerable than a 5 yo.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2025 16:31

PinkBird89 · 15/08/2025 16:28

I dont know why he said the fiver thing in the first place. It was so unnecessary. I promise you DS is totally fine now. I took him off and gave him so many cuddles and told him it doesn't matter one bit. And then we took DS for lunch and a big ice cream. I just felt we had this horrible 90 mins in the middle for no reason. But I tried to talk to DH when we got home snd he was being persuasive of its not like DS didn't have a good day of park, ice cream, lunch, paddling pool etc and not getting a fiver is hardly a big deal but handling disappointment is life skill. But when it was happening I hated it and I told DH so. My gut was saying this is unacceptable amd thats why i took DS off.

His point of view would be fine if getting or not getting the fiver was part of some sort of competition your DS had decided to enter. If it was in some way an inevitable or freely chosen situation involving potential disappointment.

But this was a disappointment entirely manufactured by your DH for absolutely no earthly reason. Your DS was already motivated to want to do the monkey bars without the incentive, plus there was no motivation needed as it didn’t matter if he could do them - especially with sweaty, oily hands.

It was all so unnecessary.

Fridgetapas · 15/08/2025 16:32

Soooo mean. Honestly what is wrong with him!

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 16:33

Yanbu, after 10/15min he should have praised him for trying and doing so well and given him the money to go get an ice cream!

Cranberryavocado · 15/08/2025 16:37

It was an impossible task. With the suncream and sweat. He should give another opportunity to try it though on a day when he hasnt got slippy hands

pointythings · 15/08/2025 16:37

spoonbillstretford · 15/08/2025 16:28

DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment.

If my other half behaved like that he'd be soon learning to handle the disappointment of being kicked out and having to live with his mother.

Edited

Same. Life offers lots of teachable moments around learning to handle disappointment. Setting up an artificial one is just toxic dick swinging.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 15/08/2025 16:40

Personally I don't like financial bribes/bets with kids - unless to teach them that the only reason people would offer that bet is because they don't think that you can do it (ie. they're taking advantage).

As to 'the ways of men' - no thanks. My kids learn 'the ways not to be a jerk' and are all the better for it. Yes, resiliency is a part of that - but so is ignoring people who are jerks - and I think it's ideally better for them not to think that way about their father (although TBF, their father, my ex, is largely a jerk which they are realistic about)

ThrivingIn2025ing · 15/08/2025 16:40

It's such nasty bollocks, and often used as an excuse for a failing education system
YES @spoonbillstretford! Totally agree.

This child is 5. This child is autistic. He doesn’t need to learn “resilience”. He needs to be allowed to be a child in a safe space. To learn. To play. Not to be bullied and belittled.

Jeez, it’s like we’ve stepped back in time. Trying to toughen up autistic 5 year olds. Shameful.

Probably best not to get me started on the “man’s way” comment.

YourWildAmberSloth · 15/08/2025 16:42

I can see both sides. I don't think DH was wrong initially, as you say DS can usually do the monkey bars easily, so it would/should have been a quick win for him. When his hands were slipping he could have changed the goal a bit - maybe halfway across or something, or a treat for trying hard.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2025 16:43

Children don't learn resilience from being treated unkindly by their parents. The way your dh treats your da will become his own internal monologue. He'll be more resilient if he can be kind to himself.

Maybe if someone had been kinder to your dh as a child he's be less comfortable with treating a young boy so coldly.

MCF86 · 15/08/2025 16:44

I think it was a bit of a dick move to put that pressure on, totally unnecessary when just the satisfaction of completeing it would be reward enough, but as long as that fiver comes whenever he does do it... imagine how thrilled DS will be then!

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 16:44

Your DH needs to start with himself and his own lack of emotional intelligence.

He needs to work on his own life skills of self reflection, flexibility, ablility to admit mistakes.

It's as much a skill to realise you got something wrong and course correct as it is to double down.

NewBlueNoteBook · 15/08/2025 16:45

End to end this is not good parenting.

it was entirely unnecessary to offer money in the first place.

I can’t believe you both watched him try for 45 minutes!

Resilience isn’t built by offering cash for impossible tasks and then dealing with disappointment. The child is five!

Building resilience would have been:

1)Child tries bars of own volition and is disappointed when he doesn’t make it.

2)Parent praising effort and noting sweat/sunscreen makes it tricky.

3)Parent says shall we try 3 more times and then try something else.

4)If Child still can’t manage, parents praise him for dealing with his disappointment well and promise to come back another day to practice.

  1. Praising child for how well he does something else in the park.

The scenario above teaches child:

  1. that efforts is its own reward. 2)that his parents are are proud of him for trying even if he doesn’t succeed first time
  2. that his parents love is unconditional
  3. that it’s absolutely ok not to be able to do something and that practice towards a goal is a good thing.
  4. even if you aren’t good at thing A you might be good at thing B.

I don’t know what the hell your husband thinks he taught your child today but it wasn’t resilience.

Crunchymum · 15/08/2025 16:46

This went on for 45 minutes you say?

I'd have shut it down after 5.

Actually it would never have happened on my watch (I have a globally delayed 7yo and like fuck would I ever let her dad do that to her)

Dinosweetpea · 15/08/2025 16:46

Your husband was a dick and needs to educate himself on Autism, and on 5 year olds by the sound of it. 🙄

Pictures50 · 15/08/2025 16:46

Your husband is a prick.
I just couldn't tolerate such behaviour towards my child.
Let him argue snd convince himself.
I couldn't look at such a nast twat.
Your poor boy.
As if he hasn't enough to deal with.
Your son is learning that his dick father is a bully.

Original poster
PinkBird89 · 15/08/2025 16:47

pointythings · 15/08/2025 16:37

Same. Life offers lots of teachable moments around learning to handle disappointment. Setting up an artificial one is just toxic dick swinging.

Show quote history

This is exactly it @pointythings I said to him "you look like the power has gone go your head mate and its v unpleasant to watch". And he got all offended. But for a five year old - that fiver is like sacred treasure - and it was unwinnable. It felt like ego snd power. But DH tells me im being crazy and "he was actually doing some parenting unlike me".

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 15/08/2025 16:47

Why did your Dh need your DS to prove he could do the monkey bars when you already knew he could do them easily in normal circumstances. With suncream and sweaty hands it was always going to be impossible for him to succeed. So your DH deliberately set him up to fail. And why rub it in by offering a reward? Why didn't he give him a fiver on all the other occasions when he has climbed the monkey bars?

And now a little boy who probably because of his autism finds some things in life difficult, will have lost confidence in something that he would normally succeed in and enjoy.

Far more important than building "resilience", is building the confidence of a child who's diagnosis means he may face some struggles in life.

TheLemonLemur · 15/08/2025 16:48

spoonbillstretford · 15/08/2025 16:28

DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment.

If my other half behaved like that he'd be soon learning to handle the disappointment of being kicked out and having to live with his mother.

Edited

100% this. I have an autistic child and his need to complete a task/win would have seen us in the park a similar length of time. This wasn't about resilience it was cruel and your partner clearly doesn't understand much about autism or his own child

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2025 16:48

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2025 16:43

Children don't learn resilience from being treated unkindly by their parents. The way your dh treats your da will become his own internal monologue. He'll be more resilient if he can be kind to himself.

Maybe if someone had been kinder to your dh as a child he's be less comfortable with treating a young boy so coldly.

This is very true too! I don’t think people realise how resilience is taught or what it even means.

Wistfullysleepy · 15/08/2025 16:48

What a nasty nasty man. Poor kid.

Pictures50 · 15/08/2025 16:49

Watch him OP, because that type of unkindness towards a child of 5 with a disability, is not something I could tolerate in my marriage.

Resilience my arse. Prick.

YumYa · 15/08/2025 16:50

Awful. Poor ds.