Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Do you not think you would be better off without her? I mean I know it would be hard but you don't her anything just because she birthed you. Mothers are supposed to help thie children, not take half their wage! She's came into all that money and not given you any of it. That's mental to me. That's the first thing my mum would do.

Tell her to fuck off.

Op was she giving you cash or bank transfers?

I'm sure you don't need another comment, but I wanted to echo to say that she does sound abusive. She should still be supporting you at that age.

I moved out at 17 due to an abusive stepdad and thought I was an adult. I now look back and think about those years of youth that were taken from me at a time when a lot of teens are still being cared for, supported in their future careers and having driving lessons etc. Sending lots of love. I'm sure you have lots of grit, determination and independence thanks to this horrible experience, and this will serve you well in future. Stay strong!

Tell her the money from child benefit should be more than enough to cover this “debt” and don’t engage with any more conversations with her. Also is there a reason why your income is so low?

O OP you need to cut this woman out of your life, she is abusive. You do not owe her all this money, the fact she is counting a pound here and there for her own child to eat is disgusting.

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread, there are hundreds of people who have managed to break the abusive relationships with parents, they will support you.

You also need professional help, seek counselling because it really dosnt matter what her or extended family think of you, you need to think about yourself. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, I’m 49 yo and yesterday I had to endure being in extremely close proximity to my abusive controlling mother im no contact with in front of wider family, she was literally the only one in the room I didn’t speak to and it was blatantly obvious, it was the first time in my life I didn’t care and it was so freeing when I walked out at the end knowing she has no control over me anymore. I was even able to shut down others instantly when I got the “ ahh buts she’s your mother’ and “ life’s too short” comments that affected me in the past.

If you can’t walk away, tell her that you can’t manage the money so passing everything on to a debt management company who will take her debt out of your wage at a rate you can clear the debt and still live, tell her you need. Full breakdown to pass onto them. I guarantee she will go nuts and not produce it. Don’t argue just say this is how your managing things going forward and every time she brings it up stay firm. Try not instigating contact and if need be tell others what’s she’s doing to you, abusers get away with this because they control the narrative, you need to take some control back.

personally I’d be looking at getting her charged with coercive control and financial abuse.

By her raising the amount she wants so drastically, do you get she's intentionally trying to keep you short of money?

She's got you in debt slavery. This is not a legal debt, it's not a moral debt, you owe her nothing. She was and is a terrible egg donor who owed you rather than the other way around. She didn't fulfill the legal duties parenthood required of her towards you.

Don't give that bitch anything.

My kids are working and going to school and I give them some money every month. I pay for car repair for one with a car. I buy their books and some other stuff. I do these things because I want their lives to be a little easier. Your egg donor is making your life harder on purpose

Quite a few jobs rurally (eg farms, stables) or in holiday resorts (eg chalets) are set up this way - with accomodation provided at a greatly reduced rate deducted direct from salary.

I would ask to see the breakdown of loans and repayments that she holds. I doubt she has one but if she makes something up you will be able to see whether it is realistic or not. I am a mother and would have no idea how much I have given my daughter over the years and ongoing. Paying for stuff is just what parents do, in my opinion. I am just pleased to be bought a coffee now and again.

This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
OP normal decent parents don't 'lend' £2 or £10, they would give it. Just like they would give a decent stable home environment free from abuse.
You don't 'owe' your mum anything. And she has plenty of money. She is continuing to abuse and control you which completely on her. She hasn't got a leg to stand on. Although it is an awful thing to advise I would say to just cut her off and go no contact. If her care and support of you up to yet is anything to go by your future relationship with her would continue to be damaging and negative for you.
Other people you meet will love and appreciate you. Sorry your mum is not worthy of you.

Tell her to eff off. She’s no other to you. She’s evil.

I would strongly recommend seeing a CAP advisor. They will help you make a sustainable budget for the future and help you make a decision about your mother. They are interested in people, not money, and they really will be able to help.

Oh, read up on crab pot family dynamic. She doesn't want you to succeed or possibly get away.

I’m usually all for keeping close to family, accepting eccentricities and putting up with stuff, but this is completely out of hand, she’s creating a kind of fog in your mind about how much you owe so she can control you , a bit like a drug dealer does to the people who go out and sell the drugs for them.
Unless you are holding something back, and it doesn’t sound like you are, you really need to get hard with her. Offer her £50 per month for say a year. If she says no, then walk away. What’s she going to do anyway?
Sometimes not very nice people have kids. We all wish our parents were kind, supportive, fair. Unfortunately some aren’t and your mother is very unlikely to change, you need to harden up and protect yourself now.

OP, I wonder if the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to stop trying to resolve a situation that will never, ever, stop.
The only way to extinguish a fire is to deprive it of oxygen.Never discuss money with her, ever again.
As long as she pressurises you to talk about money she will manipulate you into feeling guilty and she will continue to bleed you dry.
Remind yourself every time she starts on you that you owe her nothing.Then end the call.
Do that, and it will start to get easier.Repeat.
One day you will be able to say it to her, and her influence will be broken and you will be free.

Dont pay her another penny!!

Give me her phone number... I'd love to give her a piece of my mind.

Don't pay her another penny ever, as lots of other posters have said you've more than repaid your "debt" and now she is abusing you financially.

Do you have anyone you trust? Maybe a work colleague as it might be helpful to have a talk with someone a bit more distant than boyfriend etc? Have a chat about your background and explain the circumstances around why you left, talk about the pressure your mother is putting on you and her threats.

If she cuts you off then so be it, but you deserve so much more than her, Be strong, claim your life and live it to the full x

I could cry reading your post, you sound like a lovely young lady. What your mum is doing is wrong, mothers don’t do that to their children and my guessing is that your mum is taking this money from you and justifying it to herself as compensation for the social services involvement (which is not your fault at all) If you have been paying her back £200 a month for years then my guessing is that is exactly what she is doing as you only borrowing money for bread milk food and essentials dosent equate to thousands of pounds and so if anything she now owes you money, you need to find your strength and your voice and tell her to fuck right off, she may of give birth to you but you don’t owe her anything, please don’t give her another penny and if she keeps on tell her you will call the police for financial abuse. Sending love darling, you deserve better than that. Xx

This

Try to work out from bank statements some dates and amounts. Do you have a family WhatsApp group? I would stop paying, wait for the rumours to start then send a very polite factual message to all stating you were removed by social services (they may not know) and quote the amounts and how much your mum is demanding. You do not need to justify anything else. Give them the facts then let them stew on it. You’re barely into adulthood and don’t need this. I feel sad for you x

Just. Stop. Paying.

Dont pay her a penny more. She is controlling you. She has turned in to a loan shark.

I think you should cut ties immediately, she is abusive.

Then spend the money on some counselling to help you xxx

Your posts have broken my heart OP. I can’t believe you’re being treated this way. It’s absolutely disgusting.

FWIW, my parents didn’t give a fuck about me and I moved out at 17 (not to uni or anything) but they never sunk this low. Sure I got told they had no room for me when I was trying to escape an abusive relationship at the age of 19 and earning min wage but I’m kind of glad looking back as I am extremely independent. I have my on son now, he’s still a child but I would never see him struggle like this and she’s causing your struggles!

Please do not pay her another penny, she is profiting from you. Nasty, odious woman.

To pay her back you need to know exactly what it is you're aiming towards paying back.

Otherwise it doesn't matter whether it's £100 or £1000 a month, if she's the only one with an arbitrary figure in her head then she can move the goalposts whenever she wants.

She's saying jump and you say how high?

Go through it yourself, look at what she's transferred, check your texts, see what you actually concretely owe and have already paid back. Knowledge is power and you need to reclaim some of it asap.