Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Fucking hell I am so angry at her on your behalf. Your mother is supposed to be the one person you can always count on and always treats you with love and kindness and be a safe space for you, always. What a bitch.

OP if you had borrowed £20 each week for the total 4 years then you would have borrowed £4000 ish . But you say you’ve been paying her back for years so I think it’s highly unlikely you owe her that much and certainly not enough to justify £400 a month as a repayment.

It sounds like you are being abused and need some help to move away from her influence and control.

If she thinks you owe her all this money then ask to see her record of all these payments ? I bet she’s not got one .

Just another couple of thoughts.

Have you had your child trust fund?

If you were in supported accommodation, you will likely have care leavers support available so Google for your area and call the council. My area offers a housing grant of £2k, free council tax, £2k a year bursary for studies, half price leisure centre membership, support with financial planning/ accessing trust fund etc and more. Definitely check if you are eligible. It usually lasts til you are 25 I think.

I wouldn’t bother asking her for a breakdown of what you owe….just tell her to piss off.

With a mother like that, who needs an enemy. Some people shouldn’t be parents.

No, don't give her anything. If she starts on about it, tell her she has collected more than you borrowed and you are done. (Seeing she did say she wouldn't charge interest)
She'll either bad mouth you or leave you alone.
If she badmouths you, just tell anyone who repeats anything she says, that she was a bloody awful mother and child services removed you, and she's trying to fleece you for what she can.

No it’s not OK! Because you don’t owe this woman anything. Nothing at all. Not £100 a month, or £200
a month, or £400 a month.

Sorry to be so blunt, but do you think that a mother who loved her child and wanted the best for her, to help her grow & see her succeed in her future, would be doing this?
Any decent parent wants the best for their kids. They want to set them up for a happy life and a successful future. She is doing the exact opposite. She’s trying to keep you down.

You sound like you’ve done amazingly well with a really difficult start in life. I’m so sorry you don’t have parents who are supportive and have nurtured you as they should have. I would really really recommend you speak to your GP and ask for some counselling, to help process the last few years. You sound like your self esteem has been absolutely shattered & have a lot of guilt associated with your mum/parents. From what I can see in your post you have done exceptionally well to be where you are. This is another fresh start… you don’t need to continue to move forward like this. Your family are holding you back. Keep your money, plan for YOUR future, step forward now with confidence. You will be just fine without “support” like this from your so called family.

Don’t be rude. She’s a vulnerable young adult . Be kind

Your mum sounds absolutely horrible. It would be a relief to me to have her cut contact. I am the mother of a twenty year old and can’t imagine keeping account of every pound I’ve given them nevermind making such demands out of thin air on your already strained finances. She doesn’t deserve you as a daughter. Don’t pay her anything more the cheeky cow!

OP you are not listening.

You should not pay her ANYTHING. I am sure you have more than covered what you were given.

You need to find that strength you had at 17 again - and tell her she is not getting another penny!

If ever it was justified calling someone a bitch this is it. Horrible excuse for a mother.

You do not owe your mother money. She owes you a childhood. She was supposed to parent you. You were her responsibility. She failed. Not you. Please know you’ve done well in getting away. Now believe me when I tell you she is toxic. She will be badmouthing you regardless. Walk away. Give her nothing more. I really hope for the very best for your future. You don’t need her or any family that believe her crap.

She's emotionally and financially abusing you. You don't need that in your life. You have more than paid her back. There is help if your struggling to get food. Food banks community food shares etc. Don't be getting yourself into debt. Cutting narcissists out of your life is much better for your mental health than having them in it.

She's trying to keep you in her life by making you think you owe her. Increasing her demands for money punishes you by putting you under financial stress, and she enjoys that. She thinks you deserve it after what you 'did' to her. Keeping you poor also keeps you in a position where your self esteem is low and you have to keep crawling back to her, cap in hand, to ask for help. Again, she gets off on this.

You've tried, OP. But deep down I think you know what you have to do. Cut all contact with her, and never ask for a penny again. I know it's hard. But sometimes it's better to be out on your own, than to be twisting on the end of someone else's rope. Get out of there.

Good luck.

No please do not pay her any more money. You are being financially and emotionally abused by her, you really need to cut her off. Please see your GP and ask for help 💐

I hope you know how strong you are to have survived this, you are a warrior!

I'm going to give some thoughts based on my experience that I hope can help you, but apologies if they don't apply.

Your mum sounds like an abusive narcissist, someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

My mom is like this. I have finally found physical and emotional freedom from her but it took work and learning.

Read up about narcissistic parents and abuse. There are many YouTube videos.

These types of parents groom you from a young age to feel guilty, obligated, responsible for their feelings and happiness. Who we are, our dreams, goals, interests, mean nothing to them. We are simply an extension of them and a pawn for them to use and control. They enact on us a kind of 'soul murder'. That sounds bad but we can recover and heal from it.

The sort of brainwash us. It takes many years of learning, self care and therapy to 'deprogram' ourselves from their 'cult of personality.

They teach us: 'You NEED me, and you OWE me.

You sound enmeshed with your mother, telling her about your problems. It's a codependent relationship. You feel fear, obligation and guilt.

In my 30s I moved from my home city to another city a 3 hours flight away, to be with my husband. The guiltvI felt for leaving my 'poor old mother' was excruciating. But my therapist encouraged me. She said I had to cut the apron strings. That I wasn't my mom's carer or therapist, that I was allowed to have my own life and be happy.

The guilt slowly decreased year on year. Now I only feel a twinge once in a blue moon.

I hope you get freedom. Put yourself first, they can call you selfish, all the horrible names they want. But you only have one life. It is your life, not theirs. Your life to live and be happy. You deserve it X

Edited to add: try to stop sharing details of your life and feelings with her. Don't let her into your heart. She can use all of it against you, to try to control you and keep you emotionally dependent on her. Put her on an 'information diet'. If you decide not to go completely no contact (although I think you should), if you decide to just have low contact, keep things light, superficial, what you ate for lunch, what books you've read, even the damn weather!). Go grey rock on her. It's your time now!

Not £100, not £10, not £1. PAY HER NOTHING FROM NOW ON! She has no claim, whether legal or moral, to your hard-earned money.
Please listen to the wise women on this thread. Please. I feel so bad for you.

She’s not doing it for the money, she’s doing this for control and honesty you owe her nothing, and I don’t just mean financially.
in spite of her, you are doing so well on your own and I advise you to ditch the guilt and carry on without her demands in your life
After what you’ve been through I think you will need at least Talking therapy.. Do see your GP for a referral and if you have something like a key worker or social worker, please open up and let them support you.
You are stronger than you know.
Warmest wishes to you

@Lifeisinshambles No - it wouldn't be ok. You DO NOT owe your Mother any more money. You are very young still, and it will be difficult, but you deserved a better mother than this - many of us have had really awful parents. It's hard I know, but you need to let her go no contact with you as she threatens. What support are you getting off her now? I'm horrified that so many people on here have reassured you, you shouldn't be paying her any more money and you are STILL wanting to pay her something every month. Could you get some counselling to help you to understand that this is not your fault?

You don't owe her anything. You were 17. You were a child. She should have been paying for your food and accomodation. Fuck her, OP. Stop paying. She won't have a legal leg to stand on.

So just to check, the debt is from several years ago. You've not been repaying then unable to afford bills and reborrowing each month?

Be honest, for how many months did you borrow and what is the max you were likely to have borrowed?

Don't just ask to pay less because you can't afford it, try and determine if you genuinely owe her money (ignoring the fact you were 17) or not. She does not have the right to demand money with no proof you owe it.

Did she give you cash or bank transfers? I’m with Halifax and I can search a name and scroll back to see the total of all transactions to me and from me… can you do that to the date you moved out? It will total what she’s given and what you returned.

but realistically I would tell her to get lost.

No

You really need to say to her, I have paid back everything I have borrowed and more
I don’t owe you anything

She should have been covering your needs up until you were 18. I cannot imagine charging my dd for milk and bread to live on 😢

You have done brilliantly to come out of this a better and stronger person. You have a job, accommodation and I reckon the respect of everyone on Mumsnet

Stop paying and see what happens
If the only reason she stays in touch with you is because you pay her, she’s not worthy of being called your mum

You should be proud of where you are now 💐

Ffs I am so angry for you I even changed my name so I could comment - please DO NOT pay her back. Or pay her back just as much as you can afford at the moment.

I left home when I was 16. Social services were involved. My mum was unfit but because she was financially successful she managed to sweep it under the carpets for many years. I think most people still probably think she was great.

Anyways, after I moved out she still helped me, she offered to give me about £80 and she also helped me with my uni costs until my scholarship came through (different country). Unsurprisingly, I’ve been reminded all my life of how much my existence cost. This help lasted until I was about 20, 21 at a push.

Then she got very sick, unable to work while also refusing to apply for any help or retire. So like an idiot that felt bizarrely guilty, I started helping her. In total over the years I must have spent 40k and this is a conservative estimate. A full adult gets expensive quickly, as we all know.

I regret it so much. When it suited her she reached out for all the help she needed. I dug all my money on her and now I live in social housing surrounded by crackheads and I panic by the time I can buy I’ll be in my 40s and too old to get a mortgage. While I saw everyone progress, I kept myself poor out of sheer guilt.

DO NOT DO IT, PLEEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEEE. I cannot stress this enough: you owe her nothing, cut contact if needed.

OMG if I kept a track of all the on 10 and 20s my children “borrowed “ from me ! Unless she’s really hard up I suppose I’m lucky I can afford to drip feed them cash as needed. It’s the same with shopping at my house, only today my son took a tray of chicken thighs and some salad stuff for their dinner tonight, I assume she would charge you for that , I don’t know what to say.

please please wake up, stop all payments, as PP have said you have already paid back one hell of a lot of money, you must know you haven’t borrowed that. The odd fiver for milk doesn’t add up to that much.

honestly you poor thing, I don’t know if I want to shake you or hug you.

stop rambling Flora, no more payments, tell her she can give you a break down of everything you’ve borrowed and everything you’ve paid back, and also take into account any family allowance or maintenance etc she will have received for you until you were 18, you will make no more payments. If she kicks off, just calmly say “that’s fine mum, but this can’t go on and it needs sorting, the citizens advice have people who can sort this sort of mess out, you will make an appointment for the two of you to go and see them” stick to your guns, no more money.

This.

Unless she can provide accurate accounts, you are under no obligation to give her anything. That money is for your living expenses and she is abusing your relationship.