"Secret" I wish I didn't know

[Longnightmoon]

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

It isn’t about wading into the middle of anything. You seem to have missed that the OP is Jemima’s DM’s friend. The OP is in a difficult position but she certainly doesn’t owe Jemima any favours.

I haven’t missed it at all. Have YOU missed the bit where Jemima is OP’s colleague? And that OP deals with personal data in her role?

She might not owe Jemima any favours, but surely she owes it to herself not to put her own job in jeopardy? “But she’s my fwend 😢😢!!” does not stand up as mitigation in a disciplinary.

The wedding is the subject of office gossip, colleagues apparently attended. The likelihood of any disciplinary action being taken is laughable.

It really isn’t. OP only knows about this because of her job.

How many times have you contacted your colleagues’ parents to tell them details of their personal lives? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the answer is “never”.

If you can’t see why this might result in a disciplinary, you’re beyond help.

You seem to have missed that the OP is Jemima’s DM’s friend.

In my post that you quoted, I literally refer to Jemima’s mother as her friend. How can you be getting it this wrong?

Correct.

Incorrect.

I’ll jump in here, if I may, as a privacy lawyer. @SmurfnoffIce is correct and @Nicecuppatea2025is incorrect. The reasons why have already been mooted so no need for me to expand at the moment but the key ingredient is the processing of personal data

Back in the real world. If you work with your mum’s best mate, very openly get married with colleagues attending, you’ve gotta think word will get out.

But I suppose in GDPR land news of an actual wedding that loads of people openly know about possibly falls under office gossip (?) so talking to Jemima about it could be construed harassment and therefore she could complain to HR (yawn). Lord help Jemima if someone else has mentioned the joyous news outside of the office, or god forbid posted wedding pictures on social media without her permission #weddinggoals #secretwedding #everyoneknowsbutdonttellmymum #hopemumsbestiegetsfired

Keep telling yourself that.

For you, common sense is just something other people have to think about, isn’t it?

Correct! 😂

YABU to post confidential info from your job on a public forum. You may have changed the names but still have included a lot of detail.

You could have simply said you came across "confidential info" or a "secret" relating to a friend's daughter without all of the details. Better hope your boss or the employees you are referring to don't come across it. Mumsnet has shared it on FB also

Mumsnet has shared it on FB also

Which will probably be the cue for the terminally dopey to announce that its most definitely public domain now and OP can ring Jemima’s mum 🙄

How would this result in disciplinary action? Only if the OP is an idiot and goes to her employers and tells them. In the highly unlikely event of this ever coming up, all she has to say is it's been discussed openly in the workplace and several of my colleagues told her they were wedding guests - which is actually true.

However, I wouldn't tell Jemima's mum unless it becomes a ridiculously open secret that only she is unaware of. I would ask Jemina, when she gets back from honeymoon, why she has put OP, and others I presume, why she put her/them in this unnecessary situation.

How would this result in disciplinary action? Only if the OP is an idiot and goes to her employers and tells them. In the highly unlikely event of this ever coming up, all she has to say is it's been discussed openly in the workplace and several of my colleagues told her they were wedding guests - which is actually true.

So if OP were to tell Jemima’s mother, the mother would do what - say “Thanks for telling me” and then leave it at that? Do you not think she might confront her daughter? And even if she doesn’t say to her “Don’t bother lying, because OP told me!” or similar, how hard will it be to work out? “Hmm, let’s see - could it be one of the people who don’t know my mother from a bar of soap who told her? Or her old friend with access to my personnel file?” And will Jemima just shrug and think “Oh well - she had to know some time”? Or will she complain to her boss that someone with access to private information has gone running to her mother?

It really shouldn’t be that difficult to work out. And several people have explained why “But it’s already well known in the office!” is not a defence.

I would ask Jemina, when she gets back from honeymoon, why she has put OP, and others I presume, why she put her/them in this unnecessary situation.

What do you think Jemima will say? “Oh, you’re right - how could I have been so blind? Here was I worrying about having such a difficult relationship with my mother that I’ve had to get married in secret, when really I should have been thinking about how it might make life mildly uncomfortable for people I barely know”? Or will she tell OP to bugger off and mind her own business? Because I know which I’d do!

So if OP were to tell Jemima’s mother, the mother would do what - say “Thanks for telling me” and then leave it at that? Do you not think she might confront her daughter? And even if she doesn’t say to her “Don’t bother lying, because OP told me!” or similar, how hard will it be to work out? “Hmm, let’s see - could it be one of the people who don’t know my mother from a bar of soap who told her? Or her old friend with access to my personnel file?” And will Jemima just shrug and think “Oh well - she had to know some time”? Or will she complain to her boss that someone with access to private information has gone running to her mother?

I did say I wouldn't tell the mum. However, in your unlikely scenario, if OP was asked by her employers she could quite truthfully say, "it's been openly discussed at work and some colleagues attended". Who's to say otherwise? Her employers couldn't care less about family politics and in the real world it's incredibly unlikely they are going to throw resources investigating it. The way OP discovered it has now been overtaken by it being an open secret IMO.

What do you think Jemima will say? “Oh, you’re right - how could I have been so blind? Here was I worrying about having such a difficult relationship with my mother that I’ve had to get married in secret, when really I should have been thinking about how it might make life mildly uncomfortable for people I barely know”? Or will she tell OP to bugger off and mind her own business? Because I know which I’d do!

From OP's comments yes I would quietly take her to one side and calmly ask if there was any reason mum didn't know - of course, Jemima can then tell her to "bugger off" or she may give a reason, who knows? As OP thought they had a reasonably good relationship it's not an unreasonable question to ask IMO. But that's probably not dramatic enough for you.

This thread seems to have riled you up are you Jemima?

This thread seems to have riled you up are you Jemima?

I never understand why people trot out this tired old line. If, in the incredibly unlikely scenario that someone involved in a Mumsnet thread happened to coincidentally come across it, do you really think they’d go through the rigmarole of pretending to be a stranger defending their position? You don’t think that, if Jemima had found this thread, she might just have approached OP saying “What the hell do you think you’re doing spreading my private life all over the internet?”?

“Riled up” is a patronising way of putting it. But yes, it’s frustrating to see how many people are just making up scenarios where it would be fine to interfere in a colleague’s life. It doesn’t matter that “she could quite truthfully say, "it's been openly discussed at work and some colleagues attended".” OP’s employers would still take a very dim view of her interfering in a colleague’s private life like this. And it still shows she can’t be trusted with potentially sensitive information.

I rest my case

@SmurfnoffIce

This thread seems to have riled you up are you Jemima?
I never understand why people trot out this tired old line. If, in the incredibly unlikely scenario that someone involved in a Mumsnet thread happened to coincidentally come across it, do you really think they’d go through the rigmarole of pretending to be a stranger defending their position? You don’t think that, if Jemima had found this thread, she might just have approached OP saying “What the hell do you think you’re doing spreading my private life all over the internet?”?

Not sure why this needs an explanation, but "are you..." is a (MN) joke

Lol, what you've suggested IS a MASSIVE amount of MEDDLING!!

I don't honestly see that it makes much difference whether Jemima's mum learns about this now or when her daughter returns home. The couple will have to come clean at that point, unless they plan to live separately. I'd keep out of it and pretend I had never heard a whisper of it. Jemima is an adult and she's allowed to marry whomever she chooses. She has a history of making poor decisions, so her mother might not be as completely shocked as you fear.

Getting involved now can't make any positive difference that I can see.

You’re kind of playing fast and loose with the word “joke”.

🙄