"Secret" I wish I didn't know

[Longnightmoon]

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

Our system records reasons for absence because you get so much leave for different things.

So medical, carers leave, dependents leave and wedding would be paid leave but it’s limited days.

It’s a school so AL in general doesn’t exist!

Id probably say you heard it at work rather than saw it at work, if you think she is in danger then tell her mum what you "heard"

To answer your AIBU question, no it’s not unreasonable not to say anything to the mum. Quite frankly it’s none of your business. I would avoid the gossip at work and leave everyone else to do their thing.

If you only knew about it because of your work inputting data, it would be unethical (and quite probably illegal?) for you to say anything. However, given people are openly talking about it at work, I think that the data inputting part is immaterial. If she is a good friend and finds out that you knew and did nothing, she’ll likely be devastated. I had a close friend who I ended up stepping right back from for a whole bunch of reasons, but the final nail in the coffin was her angrily accusing me of knowing that her fairly recently ex-husband (who I worked with) was in a serious relationship with another colleague. At the time, I had my own serious stuff going on and I couldn’t cope with more drama. I had no idea about her husband’s relationship, and if I had known I’d have told her, but she clearly felt betrayed. I can see something similar happening to you (except you would actually have known).

Well she's obviously not that close to her mum is she?? There may be good reasons she hasn't told her. They are both adults.

not for you to disclose, but i would be telling Jemima to tell her mum the first opportunity.

And be there to support Jemima's mum as a friend.

So Jemima’s mum doesn’t know Jemima is in a relationship with James? Does she even know who James is? It’s very bizarre that they got married if they’re not living together and not involved in each other’s family lives. What was the point of making it legal if it’s barely even real?!!

How old is Jemima?

Presumably the marriage is common knowledge if people went to the wedding. Is there any way you could have heard about it OP, without the access you’ve had through work documents? Because if you could have legitimately heard about about it through other sources, then I’d be inclined to tell the Mum. Apart from anything else, she needs to know things like the fact she is no longer Jemima’s next of kin should Jemima have an accident. And also that Jemima could be involved in James’s financial liabilities etc.

Does your fire know you are doing the work for this company that her daughter works for ?

Seeing as you have said people went to the wedding and are talking about it I would tell your friend because people have openly talked about it in front of you (not because you saw it in an annual leave form)

If your friend finds out (assuming she doesn't know) and then finds out you had heard someone talking about it she will wonder why you kept quiet

If the whole workplace is talking about it, she could always say it was overhead outside of work.

None of this has anything to do with you.

If you only knew about it because of your work inputting data, it would be unethical (and quite probably illegal?) for you to say anything. However, given people are openly talking about it at work, I think that the data inputting part is immaterial. If she is a good friend and finds out that you knew and did nothing, she’ll likely be devastated.

I honestly despair of some of the advice on this site. OP DID find out because she was inputting data at work. The fact that office chat has since confirmed it - THAT is what is immaterial. Crying “But everyone knoooooows, though!” would not be a defence in a disciplinary. OP knows perfectly well that Jemima’s mother doesn’t know - and as a colleague to both Jemima and James, OP should not be sharing this information with their families.

What if the situation wasn’t Jemima secretly getting married, but that she had a girlfriend and hadn’t told her mother she was gay? Would it be okay for OP to reveal that? Even if she thought her friend would be “devastated” (most overused term on MN) that OP knew when she didn’t? How far does barging into your colleague’s life just because you know their relative go?

To which any manager or HR partner worth their salt would reply, “And did it never occur to you that, as both Jemima and James are your colleagues, to whose private data you have access for work purposes, that you should perhaps have kept this information to yourself, rather than taking it upon yourself to share it with their family?”

Why are you inputting data for people already on leave? Surely it would be booked in advance.

So Jemima is on drugs and James is her dealer? And James is now seriously mentally ill as a result of taking drugs? And Jemima's mum has no idea about any of this?

Have you spoken to anyone who went to the wedding? If you overheard them talking about it you could easily ask whether her mum was at wedding and if not, why not.

I feel for your friend - this sounds like it's going to end in disaster.

Yabu for calling it a secret when it clearly isn't

If you heard it at work from general chitchat (as well as the records) then I think you should tell your friend - she'll only be doubly hurt if you don't.

OP , it’s none of your business. So say nothing.

if you are concerned about jemima then speak to her. If you are still concerned, follow your HR policy - raise a concern about her safety and well being. If you are really concerned, have a chat with the vulnerable adults department at your local safeguarding team at the Local Authority so they can do a welfare check on her.

other than that do not meddle.

You can’t say anything to anyone OP, it’s confidential information. And not that bad a situation. Not as if Jemima was in prison.

Have you spoken to anyone who went to the wedding? If you overheard them talking about it you could easily ask whether her mum was at wedding and if not, why not.

Yeah, grab that oar and stick it right in! Make as much fuss as possible!

Secret from the friend, not secret from the entire world. OP literally put “secret” in quote marks in the title.

Don’t think the OP has said she’s going to mention this to Jemima’s mum, so probably not going to open her mouth. Bit awkward knowing, tho!

I'm confused how you got the information. You start by saying it was doing admin at work but then everyone at work is talking about it. How you got the information is very relevant to whether or not you should share it.

Say nothing, wait for it to play out and be there for your friend when it does

O ly Jemima works at the place the OP found out about the wedding. It would be Jemima she us speaking to, so no rules broken. Which is why I asked if she is close enough to have a word with Jemima, because people are talking about her wedding they attended and we are allowed to have conversations in the workplace.

You have plausible deniabilty here, I think. Keep schtum.