"Secret" I wish I didn't know

[Longnightmoon]

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

How do you know about his drug use and what makes you suspect he is her dealer OP?
In what sort if company is this not a concern?

I'd be more upset your best mate has a druggie son in law now.

This is how I feel too - use ‘office gossip’ as the ruse to break the news gently to her. Your poor friend!

I wondered that - never had to give a reason, just put in the request and it was either approved or it wasn’t. Im disabled and once worked for an employer where a new manager tried to insist that I not leave the building in my lunch hour in case my ‘slow mobility’ meant I couldn't get back on time. A short conversation with myself and my union rep in which it was pointed out that lunch hours were unpaid, and it was none of her business where staff went during them, and a reference to disability discrimination was enough to shut it down.

That's ridiculous.

Surely the reason for annual leave would be 'vacation'.

Literally everywhere I've ever worked has that in a dropdown list.

There's never been an option for 'honeymoon' as that is a vacation.

To add to her druggie daughter.

In small towns this is the sort of gossip that 'everyone' would know except the people who most would want to know (OP's friend).

the thing is, by telling your friend you would be interfering with her relationship with her daughter. I would be very reluctant to cross that line.

Surely you are bound by confidentiality. Not a nice position for u OP.

You don’t think it would be a bombshell to find out your daughter, with whom you thought you had a good relationship, had got married without telling you? Blimey, your family must be very . . . unusual.

Given the circumstances, it sounds like the wedding and marriage are in the public domain even if you first found out about them through a channel that itself should be confidential. Are you absolutely sure that Jemima's mum didn't know about the wedding and opt out of attending, The Summer I Turned Pretty-style? If they've had it locally and invited people the mum could be in contact with then it doesn't sound like J&J are trying very hard to hide it.

I do. And I am correct.

The information is open knowledge and has already been widely disclosed to colleagues, including to the OP. Wabbling on about holiday forms and GDPR would not hold up.

Absolutely this.

You don't have to say you found out about it doing the admin - you can just repeat the gossip that's doing the rounds at work.

Let's ignore the admin task for a second - if you heard people chatting about this at work, would you tell your friend? Presumably yes? Then you can simply tell her what's public knowledge and that Tim, Amanda, and Dave were all chatting about the fun day they had at the wedding.

No need to breach GDPR by saying that you know for certain - you are just repeating what seems like gossip that seems to be true, based on what you've heard - it's what you would have done before so no need to keep it secret now.

Keep this to yourself, people never react well to the messenger!
Tough life lesson I had to learn myself but OMG I would take things to my grave now rather than be the one to break the news.

I suspect cos James has been her dealer

😱

YANBU to not say anything.

you cannot day anything as hard as it is.

just be there for your friend when the news comes out.

Where I work we get an extra week for honeymoon so we would use this as a reason on the holiday chart.

Surely you owe it to your friend to tell her. Talk to Jemima and ask her to come clean. She's put you in an awkward position. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

As I said upthread, some organisations give an extra week's leave for marriage/honeymoon. Their systems would be triggered if too much Annual Leave was applied. Marriage Leave (or whatever it was called) would be extra, as would Compassionate Leave for death etc.

One company I worked for some of us were a bit miffed when a person who divorced their first husband went on to marry again and was allowed another week for the second marriage.

All that aside, I would keep my lips zipped about this situation.

You've been put in a horrible situation OP. How awful that this girl has betrayed your friend like this, while working with you and having other work colleagues attending on the qt, presumably. I might be inclined to speak to someone at work about it, because of the awkwardness of the situation. Getting colleagues effectively to keep this secret from other colleagues (i.e. you) is not conducive to a happy workplace. As for your friend, just be there for her when she finds out.

Absolute nonsense. She's heard it being discussed in the office. Colleagues went to the wedding. Telling her friend that has nothing to do with GDPR.

People elope for all sorts of reasons. If I was to get married I would be doing the same. I couldn't be doing with the stress of planning a wedding the huge expense then there's family saying who they want and don't want there. She will tell her eventually. But you can't say anything to your friend that will be a breach of confidentiality.

But this isn't just getting married on the quiet to avoid a big wedding. Jemima's mum has never met James and doesn't know they're in a relationship.

Missing the point but why do people have to give reasons for annual leave at this company you were doing admin for @Longnightmoon ?

Thank goodness for a bit of common sense!

It doesn’t matter if office chat confirmed what the OP had read when inputting the data. The fact is, she DID discover this information during the course of her duties. She cannot just share it with whoever she pleases, just because it happens to be common knowledge in the office. “But everyone knoooooows though!!” is NOT a defence.

Even if OP could somehow sell the argument that she only knew the information from office gossip rather than through the data entry, how many employers want someone who deals with potentially confidential data running off and telling their colleagues’ mothers all the latest? It’s ridiculous. OP has a job to do - the fact that she happens to know a colleague’s mother doesn’t mean she can stop doing it.

Yes stay completely silent , out of it is the best policy .
My sisters colleague secretly married without her parents knowing , she still lived at home and was returning every night from work leaving her parents in the dark .

That was until the shit hit the fan by someone in their street who congratulated them on their daughters recent wedding ( they did the admin at the registry office ! )