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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Secret" I wish I didn't know

148 replies

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 08:17

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

OP posts:
SmurfnoffIce · 15/08/2025 16:34

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2025 16:10

O ly Jemima works at the place the OP found out about the wedding. It would be Jemima she us speaking to, so no rules broken. Which is why I asked if she is close enough to have a word with Jemima, because people are talking about her wedding they attended and we are allowed to have conversations in the workplace.

Show quote history

You’d said that in an earlier post, so I hadn’t seen it. I was only responding to the post I quoted.

Original poster
Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 16:42

We were supposed to see each other tonight, but I've made up reasons to postpone, I would struggle right now. Hopefully this will all be out in the open shortly, and I can see my friend without feeling I am hiding things from here

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 15/08/2025 16:55

If people at work know about it, went to the wedding and are talking about it. If I was her mum's good friend I might tell her if only so she doesn't find out somewhere in public and have an embarrassing meltdown, perhaps something like, I don't know if it's true but people are saying that Jemima got married to James on Monday and they have gone off on honeymoon together, there seem to be a few people saying it so I thought I should forewarn you that you may hear this somewhere.

Rainbowshine · 15/08/2025 18:53

You could tell her that there’s been gossip at work and you’re not sure whether to believe it or not

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 18:57

Keep your mouth shut. You don't talk to anyone about info you learned through your work. There is nothing you can do except give the mom some support after she finds out.

Mothership4two · 16/08/2025 16:14

If it is being openly discussed at work why haven't you asked Jemima the reason for not telling her mum OP?

If she doesn't want her to know for some weird reason then YANBU to do nothing unfortunately

Julimia · 16/08/2025 16:19

Keep quiet. Surely you have a confidentiality clause to prop you up. Just keep doing your job

Welshmonster · 16/08/2025 16:24

Did you find out because you were inputting data or because others were talking?

why does the company want to know the reason for the leave? If I want take a day’s leave and stay in bed all day then I shouldn’t have to tell my employer so long as I have followed the annual leave booking procedure.

DoubleShotEspresso · 16/08/2025 16:25

I disagree with many posting here seeing as the Bride’s mother is your oldest friend…
If your friend comes to find out you knew this & postponed a planned meet-up with her on this date, I think she would feel very blindsided & upset.

Could you not “drop by” her home and have a gentle/kind chat with her? At least give her some warning & time to absorb this before she finds out in the middle of Sainsbury’s or something?

DiscoBob · 16/08/2025 16:27

Your friend's sibling is married to someone and their mum doesn't know? But you think she wouldn't approve. Because you've heard he suffered from MH issues?

Frankly it's their own concern who they marry and who they tell about it. They must have their reasons. You need to just stay out if it.

Or if any of them want moral support then offer it in a non judgemental way if you want to. But it's not for you to tell other people's stories.

Flightyandmighty · 16/08/2025 16:31

If it was my best friend I would gently tell her I think. Hoping she already knows but chose not to go as she doesn’t approve?

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/08/2025 16:34

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2025 08:21

Are you close enough to speak to Jemima? Eventually her Mum will know. However Jemima might be planning on just leaving and as an adult, it's her right to do so.

She can’t even do that, without it being a breach of GDPR legislation. She has to pretend that she doesn’t know.

I work in HR. One of my colleagues lives in my old house. Can’t tell him I know that though as that would be breach of sensitive personal data. I had a legitimate business reason which meant I needed his address. I can’t use that information for any other purpose.

I’m also secretly married (although we do live together!) and if someone at my local GP (for example) took it upon themselves to question me about my personal choices, that they only know due to their employment… I would not react well.

BunnyLake · 16/08/2025 16:41

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 09:42

I suspect cos James has been her dealer, but I thought that before I knew anything about them being in a relationship or anything

Show quote history

And he works at your place?

greyskiesgreysea · 16/08/2025 16:41

No, if Jemima invited work colleagues to her wedding, and they have talked about this with other colleagues, and OP has heard about the wedding this way (in addition to seeing work records) then OP is free to talk about it outside of work. I would seriously consider talking to the mum about it. What an awful situation and she will be absolutely devastated.

Lafufufu · 16/08/2025 16:43

Rainbowshine · 15/08/2025 18:53

You could tell her that there’s been gossip at work and you’re not sure whether to believe it or not

I would 💯 do this. I couldn't not. Especially as its widely known / there's no professional conflict

Separately.. your poor friend

justasking111 · 16/08/2025 16:47

Well I wouldn't risk my job even for a good friend. I worked in a hospice. A family member was there for treatment terminal illness . I had a coffee with them. Turned out they didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't tell anyone not even my husband.

greyskiesgreysea · 16/08/2025 16:59

Something doesn't become terribly confidential and legally protected information just because Jemima has told friends at work about it. It's not related to her work in any way. And colleagues have even been to her wedding. The information is not just held by her employer - it's openly available information which she's happy for people to know about. She has taken the risk to let lots of people know about her wedding, knowing that the news will inevitably spread to her mum.

Nicecuppatea2025 · 16/08/2025 16:59

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/08/2025 16:34

She can’t even do that, without it being a breach of GDPR legislation. She has to pretend that she doesn’t know.

I work in HR. One of my colleagues lives in my old house. Can’t tell him I know that though as that would be breach of sensitive personal data. I had a legitimate business reason which meant I needed his address. I can’t use that information for any other purpose.

I’m also secretly married (although we do live together!) and if someone at my local GP (for example) took it upon themselves to question me about my personal choices, that they only know due to their employment… I would not react well.

Show quote history

GDPR my arse. I’m sorry but that’s absolutely untrue. Of course OP can mention it .. because it’s not a secret!

grumpygrape · 16/08/2025 17:03

Mugon · 15/08/2025 08:26

What kind of company records the reason for annual leave?

A lot of organisations give an extra week's leave for marriage.

mumofamudmagnet · 16/08/2025 17:19

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 08:17

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

You can do nothing, and putting this on here could be deemed a breach of confidentiality even if you have changed the names. This is a sackable offence.

MoonlightFlit25 · 16/08/2025 17:21

These comments 🙄

OP isn’t asking for advice on whether to say anything. They already know they shouldn’t and have stated it in the original message. OP shouldn’t say anything…and not because it’s against work policy, data protection etc but because it’s none of their business.

YANBU - it’s not your place to say anything. It’s an awkward position to be in but it will, unfortunately, get to the mum in the end and not through you.

I feel for you. It’s a horrible situation.

JillMW · 16/08/2025 17:29

I wonder if Jemima’s mum did go to the wedding but they did not invite you? She knows but just did not mention it to you because Jemima and her mum know what a gossip you are. Funny that your focus is guilt about telling a “ friend” when you seem quite comfortable working for a company who employs a drug dealer, or is that not a secret you wish you did not know?

Muffinmam · 16/08/2025 17:38

Why do you care?

Her mum will find out when this guy has his next major mental health crisis.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/08/2025 17:40

Nicecuppatea2025 · 16/08/2025 16:59

GDPR my arse. I’m sorry but that’s absolutely untrue. Of course OP can mention it .. because it’s not a secret!

Show quote history

Let her try it then 😂

It’s not a secret but OP has found out because she’s entering data. That’s how she’s found out. By handling data. You are supposed to input it and then basically pretend you don’t know the stuff you’ve just entered. Of course it’s a data breach if she then goes and starts questioning a staff member about what she’s learned in the course of entering data (or worse goes and reports back to her mum!).

Hope you don’t deal with data.

OP don’t interfere. It won’t end well!

Mothership4two · 16/08/2025 17:49

Well hopefully OP wouldn't be daft enough to tell her employers that she has repeated personal info learnt from handling data! As OP has said it is being openly discussed in the workplace and staff members have said they went to the wedding. It's a pretty moot point as OP said at the outset that she isn't going to tell her friend anyway