"Secret" I wish I didn't know

[Longnightmoon]

Well, it isn't very secret. Doing a bit of admin for a local company, entering data about annual leave, and reasons for leave etc. I have discovered that two individuals I know ( make up names James and Jemima) are currently away, having married a few days ago and are on honeymoon.

Jemima is the daughter of my oldest friend. Jemima's mum hasn't met James, doesn't know they are together and has no idea they are married. James, I know has quite severe mental health problems, related to weed and schizophrenia.

Jemima and her mum are apparently reasonably close, to all intents and purposes. Jemima still lives at home, and pays her mum rent. They often eat and socialise together. Jemima's mum just thinks she's staying with friends for a few days. She knows nothing about James, or that they have married, although it is quite well known where they work.

This isn't really a WWYD, because I know what I am going to do, which is say nothing, but it is really upsetting, to see my friend, Jemima's mum, just bumbling along with life happily as usual, and know that this bombshell is coming her way- she is going to be so shocked and upset that her daughter has done this without telling her.

AIBU to do nothing? I can't really see what I can do - people are mentioning the marriage, etc at work, it is inevitable that the news will spread

Jemima has a difficult enough relationship with her mother to keep her a marriage a secret. What makes you think she’s going to change her mind about that just to avoid putting a colleague in a difficult position?

How awful that this girl has betrayed your friend like this

You have no idea what this woman’s relationship with her mother is like.

They are taking extra leave allowed for honeymoon

Are you close enough to speak to Jemima?

That would be highly inappropriate and unprofessional. OP needs to do her job and treat this woman's information the same as she would any other employee.

Oh right. Makes sense. Thanks for explaining.

Well "Jemima" has always been a bit wild, expelled from school, disqualified from GCSEs etc, but her mum has stood by her through thick and thin and her support has never wavered.

She seemed to be so much more settled recently. She has been teetotal for at least 4 years, having been in hospital several times as a teen through drunken accidents and alcohol poisoning. At least she says she has been teetotal for 4 years. And doing well at work, been promoted, etc. She seemed happy and settled and getting on great with her mum.

It is not my regular job, she might not have known I'd be there while she was away. I just help out occasionally in school holidays, as the owner is friend.

My parents were friends with a couple that married in secret. The woman's mother hated me,she was divorced from her daughters husband and had told her that she should never get involved with a man. However,she took on a lodger a few years younger than her daughter, and daughter and lodgers fell in love.Married in secret, my mom and late dad were witnesses. They were a lovely couple and had their only child in their early forties. Sadly Rose died of pancreatic cancer aged 50.

I think this.

It’s all well and good saying keep out, but this is the OP’s friend. I know I would feel very betrayed if a friend of mine knew this about my DD and didn’t disclose it.

Something isn’t right here. No-one who was close to their DM would hide their wedding from them while inviting casual friends from work. This may be the DM’s worst fears realised, but better she hears it from a friend than some random person.

At my workplace they are paper sheets to submit and in there is a big box to write reason for leave.

Yoh can write whatever you want. I often do write something if it’s of interest. It’s for the manager approving and not for inputting into a computer system. But the sheets are then ticked and signed approved by manager and then sent to the office so they would also see what’s written in the form. Not that they categorise them, but they can see it if they have eyes.

Yes - I think this too @Longnightmoon - such a difficult situation for you and feel for you. I think I would say I’d heard rumours. It’s best she’s prepared and you owe more to your friend x

You can't say anything because of how you came across the information.

I started a new job with confidential information that is far higher level than this sort of thing. I was told to start by reading the files and asked if I'd come across anyone I knew (apparently had happened before). I said I had and confirmed I 'knew nothing'. If you know it in a work context, you know nothing.

The news is going to get to her eventually if other people know. The problem is going to be that if she comes to you and tells you, you can’t really sit there and say that you already know.

Maybe the marriage was just for the extended leave and they will break up straight after? (Best possible scenario I can think of.)
I would have to tell J’s mum that you are bogged down in a legal situation at work and can’t really speak to anyone until it’s sorted. That way your butt is covered.

You cannot share information you acquired from seeing confidential data, ie the annual leave requests. However, if people around the office are talking about "James and Jemima's wedding" it might be difficult for you if your friend realises you have been working there. If you had overheard someone in a cafe or pub would you tell her? She may be embarrassed about it all. Are the honeymooners due back soon?

If you only came across the information in your role looking at annual leave then it would be illegal and unethical to share it. However, you say that people at work are talking about the wedding - if you've also been told about it by people in a way that's not directly related to your role, you're free to share it.

If you really got this info from work sheets,input etc then anyone sane knows for a fact you would be breaking data protection and could be liable for a disciplinary should it be found out you've shared private information. I wouldn't even have posted about it it's not hard to work out who is who.

As a woman who suffers with Schizoaffective Disorder, I find this thread quite offensive actually.

What exactly is the problem with 2 individuals eloping to get married. Yes it may go wrong but it may not.

My grandparents married in 1945 after just 2 dates with an 11 year age gap & nothing in common! Yet their marriage lasted 58 years.
My cousin & his older wife eloped with a 15 year age gap. My uncle was really annoyed but nearly 20 years later they’re still together.

Do not say a word otherwise they could (quite rightly) make a complaint about you disclosing confidential information. Actually IMO I think your company policy of having to give a reason for annual leave is strange. You are entitled to annual leave so shouldn't need to give reasons when requesting it.

They've not really eloped. Some of their work colleagues attended the wedding but the bride's mother knows nothing about it.

The one sensible thing you say in this post is “Something isn’t right here. No-one who was close to their DM would hide their wedding from them while inviting casual friends from work.”

They certainly wouldn’t. Which suggests that Jemima isn’t as close to her mother as OP thinks, or that there’s some wider issue of which she is not aware. So why on earth would she wade right into the middle of it? Even if you take the issue of her job out of it altogether, it would still be opening a massive can of worms to tell her friend.

There’s a reason they say Don’t shoot the messenger!

you don’t know why they didn’t invite her and what the actual relationship is.

can you ask them to tell her when they get back

What if your friend does actually know and was actually at the wedding but is also keeping it a secret?

Or knows it happened, but refused to go because of her disapproval of the groom?

If people at work attended the wedding and are openly talking about it then you can say something

🤦🏻‍♂️ 🤦🏻‍♂️ 🤦🏻‍♂️