Fiancé insisting on donating sperm against my wishes

[Shitehound]

He won’t back down. I have said multiple times that I don’t support this, we already have a lovely child together and for medical reasons I cannot/won’t risk carrying another baby myself. He keeps asking me to put myself as risk by having another child and because I won’t he has decided to donate sperm.

With DNA ancestry testing, anonymity is no longer possible, and our child could end up with half siblings all over the world. The donor children may get in contact with our family in the future, seems like emotional turmoil waiting to happen and a massive shock for our own child. He’s already started the process and is putting his foot down. It’s causing huge arguments. He said he is determined to carry on as it is his life goal to have lots of children and won’t stop this process.

He had an affair which I found out when our baby was a few weeks old which was devastating and is another reason why I refuse to have another child with him as I don’t want to put myself in a vulnerable position again. We have worked hard together to rebuild trust for me to forgive him after the affair betrayal and now this insistence on sperm donation has made me feel depressed and worthless. Like my opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest…

It is one thing to want more DC that he raises and seperate in order to do that. To want lots of DC he doesn't participate in raising is different, Elon Musk vibes. Even without this (and the cheating) you are fundamentally incompatible as you do not want more DC and he is adamant that he does. My advice would be to split.

I feel for you OP.
This is a man that you can't stay in a relationship with.
So totally disrespectful to you and your child.
Please find the strength to leave him and you will start to heal

She hasn't even married him yet, so she can scrap that idea 🙏🏾

Thank you for all your replies. Just quietly sobbing with reading all your lovely, and accurate comments. I know in my heart this is the final nail in the coffin. He actually yelled at me earlier because I asked ‘Why can’t you put me first?’ He’s also a complete workaholic and I’m really lonely. Would rather be a single mum than carry on like this.

Our child is primary school age. I earn ok money. It will be tight but you are all right I need to end this, he really doesn’t give a fuck about me. Thank you

Oh, my mistake, yes, even better!

Please run away from this awful man, as fast and as far away as you can.

He’s been listening to Elon Musk… it seems to be a “thing” at the moment for certain types of men to spread their seed as far as they can. Yuck.

He clearly puts his wants and desires ahead of yours, and doesn’t seem particularly bothered about your poor child. Time to stand up for yourself and get rid.

Op, I hate to say it but it sounds like you are already a single mum... you have no support, he's working so much he's not likely to be present, you're the only one prioritising the needs of your child and family plus you're working on top of that. It might actually be easier doing it without him so you don't need to deal with the abusive behaviours and manipulation and narcissism. You're already doing it all you're just not getting the credit for it.

Yes, this ⬆️ I knew it was reminding me of someone… Elon Musk!

It’s all sorts of wrong, OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d be making plans to leave as soon as is viable.

He's repellant.

I am willing to bet that the affair and the desire to father (but not parent!) lots of children are not the only massive red flags this guy is waving.

Big fan of Andrew Tate, Elon Musk etc is he?

Get out. Get out ASAP and do not look backwards. Run.

You are correct, he doesn't give a shit about you, it's all about him, what makes him feel good, what makes him look good ideally in the eyes of other men, hard work, lots of money, big dick energy spreading his seed across the nation...

You will never be his priority, in fact if you haven't already, you'll become his whipping boy, someone he blames all his failures on, who he takes his stress out on, and treats like dirt. You won't even feature on his priority list, never mind be top of it.

havent rtft but I wonder if he wants to donate sperm because he knows he’s got a secret child that then he can later claim was from donated sperm…

Regarding the sperm - his body, his choice, surely? If your medical situation was different and you wanted to donate your eggs, you’d be furious if he told you that you couldn’t.

But the rest of it, Jesus wept. Why are you marrying someone who is forcing you to do something against your will, and who had an affair? But, you picked him as the father of your child. You’re stuck with him in your life (even if only a small role) for 18 years. Good luck. You’re going to need it with this “prince”.

When a woman has a need to not have more children for whatever reason a good man books himself in for the snip.

This is not a good man.

Nobody rebuilds trust after an affair. Not ever, never happens. Sometimes people manage to gaslight themselves and pretend they are happy, but to paraphrase what Emma Thompson said in that movie, everything is always just a bit shittier - forever. It's a poisoned tree, you can't grow healthy fruit from a poisoned tree.

Cheaters are always selfish pigs too, as he has proven. It's time to start putting your ducks in a row to get away from this awful man.

Same! Especially because you are mainly thinking of your child and possible future children born of the donation, while he’s only thinking of himself. It sounds like YOU worked hard on the relationship and he’s carrying on, getting away with deplorable behavior towards you.

I agree. He has a horrible attitude to you.

His body his choice.

Yeah, he really does.

OP, he is "punishing" you for not agreeing to another child by donating his sperm. It's only working because you're showing him that you're upset. If you take that away, he probably won't do it.

Take heart; most donated sperm doesn't result in a child. A couple has to pick him, and then his sperm has to result in a live baby, which often doesn't happen. The idea of random people showing up is far-fetched and involves a ton of what-ifs. And would be so far in the future that I really wouldn't worry about it now.

I think you should be more focused on what a COMPLETELY FUCKING WEIRD reaction this is to you not wanting more kids.

But the maths wouldn't add up.

Urgh, I hate it when people co-opt a feminist slogan to support an obvious shit of a man.

He's been watching these weird alt-right youtube "bros", hasn't he? The ones who say you're not a real man unless you have loads of kids by different women. It's fucking weird. This would be a dumpable offence for me. Baby or no baby. He's a misogynistic idiot.

Why is this git still your Fiancé? He sounds horrible. He doesn't quite count women as real people but he wants to spread his dna as widely as possible. He would rather lose you, either with the relationship ending due to his behaviour or by contributing to your death if a further pregnancy would really be that risky, than reconsider his own selfish desires.

This is just awful OP. Please don’t marry him. He sounds abusive, controlling and misogynistic, and actually scarily inventive in his abusive tactics here. I had to divorce my abusive ex husband after having a child with him, so I really understand this will be hard, but you might find as another pp pointed out that in many ways, life could be a lot easier despite the challenges of single parenthood without him around coming up with this sort of off-the-wall nonsense.

I voted YANBU (OBVIOUSLY).
But.....any man could donate as much sperm as he likes before meeting his future partner/wife and she would never know (until they all end up on ancestry!). OP's partners attitude is the problem because he is clearly a complete knob head but I do wonder how many children will be coming out of the woodwork over the next few decades.