What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

You’re hardly being asked to live in an Amazonian jungle. Oslo is a great city and it would show that you have an interest in his culture. If I were him this would be a dealbreaker, which I guess is what he’s saying. But equally you’re entitled to feel how you feel but there will be resentment so you should either attend counselling together or end the relationship.

I'm married to a European, and I've lived in Norway. I think it's really important for your marriage that you meet your dh half way culturally. This means learning his language and being able to immerse yourself in the culture he grew up in. He'll find the accommodation just too much one day if you don't. I really don't much like my dh's country at all but I've lived there for two stints of 5 years and 2 years, speak to his family in their language, fit in with his friends. You sound too rigid to be happily married to a non-UK person.

I agree it’s difficult but it is possible to move with children. These are familiar countries to both parties. Our daughter was born in Australia and we came home.

We being the crucial word here. If a couple splits up, one parent cannot remove the children from their country of residence without the other parent's consent.

Would he be feeling the same about his family and friends. This is not a dig in any way. You’ve both met, got engaged and then the conversation really begins. We’ve all been there. My husband and I had similar about family christmases and getting a dog because looking at that it didn’t matter, but it was pretty heated and I looked back at it now and I demanded more than him than the other way around. It didn’t last though and by end of it I saw that I was pretty wow!

Now, that’s not to belittle your issue in any way at all. It’s just to relate to the nuts and bolts conversation that should come up before you get married. The pressure goes on when you are looking at officially life together rather than a partnership that is ‘easier’ to get out of.

I said in my previous comment, could be be feeling worried that he’ll never live there near family again. If the tables were turned, and with what you’ve described, how would you be thinking? Have a constructive conversation, one which patiently bares all. Promise each other it’s a safe space before you start and keep it calm with no ideas off the table, but always a compromise. You never know, the compromise you get to could be better than you thought 🙂

I find London scary now (maybe because I’ve rarely been in the last twenty years).

I’ve not been to Norway so I can’t say if I’d like it but the problem is when you have children with someone from another country there’s a big geographical stress if you divorce and one of you wants to return to their home country.

I think you should turn that back on him. Say that he is being unreasonable to change what you had already agreed on and that you are seriously considering your options.

It is moving the goal posts but it’s sad if he can never live in his home country again. Honestly I think he needs to go home and meet a beautiful Norwegian woman and marry her instead.

Fiances friends and family are nice but I find the majority to be a bit blunt and judgmental. We never can get pass superficial topics of conversation

It’s a bit unfair to judge all Norwegians by his friends and family.

One of my closest friends (for 20+ years) is Norwegian, and after many years of living overseas (England, Scotland, Canada, Spain) now lives back in Oslo (with his English wife and their children) and he’s never once been blunt or judgemental. I can talk to him about anything and everything. When my Mum died, he was the first person I turned to (I even stayed with him for a few days so he could ‘look after me’).

He has a close group of 7 friends who I know well (and all their partners/wives) and they always make me feel incredibly welcome. Same with his family. We have some pretty deep conversations (and a lot of laughs). My ex (another one of the 7) and his family are the same. My ex (who I met when we both lived in France) was always adamant that he’d want to return to Norway one day to settle down. The irony of that being that he’s actually settled down in Switzerland. While the majority of his friendship group have settled back in Norway 😂.

I never feel like an outsider in Oslo. But I’m tall and blonde so everyone assumes I’m Norwegian anyway. I speak and read limited Norwegian but even when I’m alone there, I rarely need it. I just use it in the supermarket or in bars / restaurants etc. People are so proud of their heritage that speaking a few words and showing an appreciation of their culture and history is always well received.

But if you don’t want to move there even for 6-12 months, I think you need to consider if you should end things with him. I don’t think it’s fair on him otherwise. And let’s not even get into what would happen if you have children together.

If her fiance was Texan they would still be facing the same problem though.

I can’t believe you were happy to go to Seattle( with all its drug and crime problems) but not to Norway for a year! I know where id rather be and its not London or Seattle.

You didn't like it when you were there for a month, so it's sensible not to move there. Ultimately though, even if he's being unreasonable to change his mind, it sounds like that's how he feels - so you now need to consider whether you're willing to live somewhere you don't like for a year to save your marriage.

If you do move, I would actually do the year there before you get married. That way, if he changes his mind about it just being a year and you want to escape, you won't need a divorce. And definitely don't have kids out there unless you discover you love both him and Norway enough that you'll be happy for you and them to stay out there...

He. Doesn't. Want. To. Go. For. A. Year.

Read between the lines.

Yanbu, you made it very clear early on that you wouldn't move.
He may have changed his mind over recent years, which is his prerogative .But that doesn't mean you have to fall in line.
If it's a deal breaker for him, you'll need to go your separate ways .

Plenty do hate men on here but I certainly don’t, there’s been more occasions I’ve been in the defence of a man on her so that’s not why I commented.

He's entitled to feel the way he does - what seems a good idea in our 20's can seem unreasonable or less attractive as we mature.
I think he is sensible to seriously reconsider the relationship - as are you. You no longer seem to be compatible. You both deserve to be happy, with partners who want the same things.

It sounds like you need to break up with him. I don’t think it was manipulative to ask if you’d consider a year but if you don’t want to that’s fair enough. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for him to consider it a deal breaker though.

You need to see learning the language as an essential long term goal. Even if you stay in London, if you have children they will be bilingual and dual nationality. He will want to speak to them in Norwegian and immerse them in his culture and his family will too. Expect to have to use annual holidays to visit family and friends in Norway too.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'd wondered if this was the case

Like PPs I'm all for compromise if he really does mean "for a year", but if he wouldn't then move back that's not a compromise - it's dishonestly moving the goalposts once he thinks he's got you "trapped"

To my mind this needs a LOT of discussion as to where he honestly sees his future - especially given that you've been so clear from the start - and while it would no doubt be sad if it means a split that's far better than resentment building down the line

2nd comment very quick Dangermoo

Jesus I’ll go with him. Life in Norway is halcyon compared to the UK and I’d rather spoon my own eyeballs out than live in a ?burb

I know someone who moved to Oslo and found it socially very hard - very much felt like an outsider for what its worth. Also, it is very fair to say I have a life i value in the UK and you knew that/I was clear - I love you but not enough to give up everything else that matters to me.

Once she relents and goes, he will never come back.

So its either break up now pre marriage with a solid support network around

Or divorce later, in a foreign country

Perhaps there was a good job opportunity.

It's not that simple though, as OP values being near her family and friends. Norway is no doubt wonderful but living abroad can be lonely. It takes a lot of time to build a network of friends, and even then, it's not the same as having parents or siblings nearby. I'm speaking from experience; I've lived in a few different countries which were all amazing, but none of them had my family and close friends.