What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

Oh don't be ridiculous. This is not a "hating men" issue. It would be the same if the OP's partner were female.

OP's partner is clearly trying to drive a wedge, to eventually persuade OP to move to Norway. Against her expressed wishes.

I haven't RTFT, but judging by the first page, I think you're getting a hard time here, OP. You were very honest about your wishes from the beginning of the relationship, and it's plausible he may end up wanting to stay in Norway, even if that's not currently an ulterior motive.

As someone in a 20+ year relationship with someone from non-english speaking country, of course it's not a given that you will learn his native tongue. Some people don't pick up languages that easily, and it's simply not necessary. If you do have children and he wishes them to speak Norwegian, he can teach them that.

It's also amusing that you are apparently unreasonable for not wanting to move to Scandinavia, yet reluctant at moving to the netherworld that is Texas would be completely understandable.😂

He of course is free to change his mind, but he shouldn't be shocked that you still feel the way you did at the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps you could compromise on a shorter stay, but he needs to be honest with you about his intentions. Is he having second thoughts about staying in England?

Dont move to the suburbs, stay in proper London.

I wouldn’t move to Norway either, it sounds really dull.

I'm with you. If you made it clear at the beginning you weren't going to consider it, then nothings changed.

It's all well and good saying someone might change their mind, but equally, they may not. And while it's fine to ask... if the answer is as it always was, then that's that

YANBU - my DP is pulling a somewhat similar stunt but in my case, I’m the one who’s set on moving and he had previously agreed to it. However as we live in his hometown and all his family is here, I think he has just been agreeing to appease me.

We may very well break up if when the time finally comes (I’m waiting for DD to finish her studies) he still doesn’t want to.

Just as an aside OP. This country is fucked. And it will only get worse. Maybe Norway will be a fresh start.

not exactly same but when i met my husband he lived 200 miles away i said id never move there so it was up to him if he wanted to carry on the relationship

you made it clear from the beginning and now hes changed the goalposts

Know much about Norway, do you? Its insularity, and culture?

Norway is an incredible place to live. London ‘burbs’ are a tragic place to live. Understandable if you HAVE to work in London, can’t afford the centre so have to live further out, but any other option is preferable, surely??? And Norway is presented to you and you turn it down? Goodness you don’t deserve him!

How after 6 years together and an engagement, has this come out of the blue? Frankly I think you’ve got bigger issues if you don’t communicate about such big things.

A family friend is a lawyer specialising in international divorces and custody disputes. Another friend is going through hell with a custody dispute with her Scandinavian ex-husband - their courts particularly value keeping children with the Scandinavian parent, and make it very difficult for foreign parents.

He's already been manipulative and moved the goalposts. You are worried he might not want to move back. These are legitimate worries. You have been clear from the beginning. I wouldn't go.

Yes thanks. Did a phd there. It’s an excellent place to live. So much more egalitarian than the UK. The standard of living is much better so everyone is more up beat. People enjoy life.

So why did my cousin's Norwegian wife want to leave Norway, because they both found it too insular and judging? And stuck in its ways?

I can kind of see how spending a year somewhere might feel like a different proposition to living there with the idea it is permanent.

And do you live there?

But people change. 6 years ago he might still have been fresh about his life in London, excited to have met you and dreaming of a life that probably hasnt transpired to be all he thought it would be. London is expensive to live, housing is extortionate, you tire of the same bars and restaurants and his family and roots are elsewhere and now he wants to spend some time back home. Which is fair..but definitely do not get married first if you do agree to go with him.
He may well always feel like this and stay now to keep you happy, but what if after 2 kids he decides he wants to go back then.. what happens. If you both arent willing to be flexible then at some point it is likely you will split anyway.

The op is enjoying life though

Its really not. He wants to live there for a year. Op would not be compromising if she gave in to his childish demand she'd literally be doing what he wants in full. Which is not a compromise.

What he wants IS a compromise. I'm sure he'd like to live in his country for longer than a year but that's all he's asked for.

Oh come off it. He wants to get OP to Norway, so that she will agree to stay there.

I agree it’s difficult but it is possible to move with children. These are familiar countries to both parties. Our daughter was born in Australia and we came home. Norway is way more accessible when making here and there familiar to kids

As you managed to learn English, clearly you do have a brain for languages. Virtually everyone does. What you obviously didn't take to was learning languages the way they are taught in UK schools, but frankly few people do. There are much better ways of learning a language, and immersing yourself in it is the best way. Why not try it? You would not then feel like an outsider when with your fiancé's family, irrespective of whether you stay long term in Oslo or not.

One person's experience says nothing about a country. Your cousin's wife may simply not have been good at dealing with people.

Are you summing up your own experience?

Think you've quoted the wrong post!