What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

Yanbu. But he is also not being unreasonable to ask, his feeling have changed about where je wants to live. I would also think there is a reasonable chance he would want to stay after the year and as you definitely dont want that i wouldnt go. He may decide to stay, or it may mean you are incompatible, i dont think it is an ultimatum or manipulative just sad as it is not something either of you can compromise on.

He hasn’t changed the goalposts. He’s grown up and changed his mind and has realised the value of being closer to his own family. That’s a completely normal thing to happen to those who live abroad in their 20s. You aren’t compatible anymore, it’s no one’s fault.

You haven't mentioned your fiance at all here. It's all you. You seem to want to call all the shots, perhaps you're not as compatible as you thought. People change and while he may have been happy when you first mentioned never moving over there, he may have changed his mind.

You need to try to learn the language again. Anyone can learn if they keep at it.

What about his friends and his family and his life in Norway? Do you think he misses any of that, or isn’t he allowed to? Do you think that he might sometimes feel like an outsider, but you expect him to put up with all of that for life, with no discussion on your part? I know who I think is being unreasonable here.

That's so tricky and I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. it's quite normal that he's decided he'd like to live in his country again, but he should understand your reasonable arguments against it.

It may be that you are not compatible ultimately but up to you if you are able to compromise and agree to live there for a year as a fixed period and definitely do not have children at this time. I'm not sure how this would work though - it's not long enough to settle in completely and you clearly don't like the place.

I lived abroad in my 20s including studying in Bergen, but it was always on my terms, so it's very different to follow a partner especially to their home city.

I couldn't do it. I'd spend the whole time on pins wondering what was coming when the year ended.

Oh just one more year...

Oh but we're settled here now... (he means he's settled)

Look at what we've got here now...

etc.

There have been a few threads on here from women who've found themselves in exactly that situation. The DH/DP never had any intention of going back, only said they would to get the OP to agree in the first place.

But if by any chance you do say you'll go OP - double up on your contraception*. As PPs have said, don't have children with him while you're there or you're stuck.

*And don't rely on him using a condom.

Really, it wouldn't be a great idea to marry someone you thought so little of.

I don’t understand why OP is getting such a hard time when she's always been upfront.

Is it because it's Scandinavia, so beloved of MNers?

What a great opportunity to learn a new language and culture. I’ve done it twice and never regretted it and I’m now multilingual, too.

You're not unreasonable, you were very clear from the start. It doesn't matter how many people on a thread would personally be up for it.

There is a distinct difference to 'I never want to settle in another country' to 'I don't ever ever ever want to be outside of my home town for 5 minutes '. Only you know how you framed 'I don't want to live in Norway' to your finance. On the face of it, YABU not to consider a short term relocation.

💯 agree

Except she'd never be able to leave with her children?

Compromise by learning Norwegian so he can speak Norwegian at home in the UK with you. That’s the compromise my DH and I have as we live in his country. I mean that’s at least showing a bit of effort…

Everyone in Norway speak better English than they do here. I do not get why you wouldn’t do this. It sounds amazing

I have no idea how this relationship is going to work, OP. You are set to marry a Norwegian, brought up in Norway, whose whole family is from Norway, who dreams in Norwegian and you seem to share none of that with him. He has every right to want to go back home - he’s only suggesting a year, not a lifetime…and you’ve given a blanket no. Maybe 6 years ago he didn’t feel the pull to go back home, but now he does. And quite frankly, seeing how things are going in the UK now, he may well see Norway as a much more attractive proposition, economically, environmentally, equality-wise…

As someone married to a man not the same nationality as me, I chose to love in his country. I have lived here for 27 years now, happily, but if ever he had given me a blanket ban on living in my country, I would have felt very resentful and bitter. I also think our marriage would have been so much poorer had we not learnt each other’s languages. Language, expression and communication is so much part of who you are. There are parts of your fiancé you will never fully see if don’t try to learn some Norwegian. It’s a gorgeous language, try it! I don’t buy it when people say they are not linguistic. Everyone has learnt at least one language in their life - with a bit of effort you can learn the language of the most important person in your life. And if you have children, they’ll grow up speaking it too. I think you need to seriously evaluate what it means to be in a mixed culture, mixed language, mixed nationality relationship. Maybe your fiancé has been making one too many compromises and you’re not seeing or appreciating how much he has given up.

The flight is less than two hours and prices start at £25.
Lots of people do longer more expensive commutes. It's hardly the end of the world op. If you can't do it, you can't do it, but it's not an unreasonable expectation that you might do it for someone you love.

People are allowed to change their minds and want different things from what they did in the past. You are also allowed to live exactly where you want. If you are going to be married to a man from another country this is one of the fundamental and deep questions you’ll have to resolve. If both of you are clear on what you want and it’s different things/places then you are not compatible. But the subject deserves discussion - there will be many more dilemmas and differences in a long relationship which will need to be resolved. This is your first (or last) one.

Oh gosh, do you feel sick?

I'm not from the UK, DH is and we live here. Thinking about it, it would have been insanely unreasonable of me to, after six years, start demanding that we go and live in my birth country for a year.

Thought experiment, if the fiance was from Saudi would people be saying the same thing?

Yep. I’m with you on this OP. I think he actually might have just now realised that a lifetime in a foreign country for him isn’t perhaps what he wants and he wants to float the idea of living in Norway. It does seem manipulative- especially as it’s after you marry, not before. It’s a lot harder to leave once you’re there and married. If you hadn’t made it very clear very early on, I’d say you’re being unreasonable, but you’ve been up front from the off.

It's okay saying marriage is about compromise, but is OP can't speak Norwegian, how is she supposed to work for a year? A year out of work might significantly impact her career. It's fine to not want to move. It's also fine that he wants to. You just both need to consider whether it's a deal breaker.

I feel you are limiting yourself, but that’s me. I’m an Aussie and I’d move to Norway in a heartbeat if I could. Maybe you’re not right for each other. You don’t seem to have any interest in experiencing a different culture for him like he is doing for you. Sounds very one-sided. I think you should consider whether this is going to cause resentment in the long run and definitely don’t have kids with him if you are worried about him going and not coming back.

Oh gosh, how did you guess?

It's very manipulative.

"I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating."
If you've alway been clear than his claim of 'confusion' makes no sense at all.

"I find Oslo a bit claustrophobic after a week or two. We once spent a month there and I was counting down the days.
I also hate spending extended amounts of time in where I don’t speak the language. Obviously they pretty much all speak good English but there is definitely a communication barrier. Sarcasm etc
Fiances friends and family are nice but I find the majority to be a bit blunt and judgmental. We never can get pass superficial topics of conversation"
These are all good rational reasons for not wanting to live in Oslo. Does he just handwave them away as if they don't matter?

"I’m also worried he might refuse to move back"
He absolutetly would refuse.

So, your clearly and consistently held position that you would never live in Norway, for very rational reasons, only now "changes how he views our relationship" after six years? Either he has not been listening to you for the past six years, or he feels entitled to bulldoze you. Either way sucks, because both ways he feels what he wants matters more than what you want.

I would call his bluff. Tell him that his "changing the goal posts" has changed how YOU feel about your relationship. Reiterate that you have always been very clear that you would never live in Norway, and that you are now wondering why he chose to waste your time, effectively cock-blocking you from finding a man who would not pull this shit at the eleventh hour wanted the same things that you wanted. And this should be true - his attempt to manipulate you into this should change how you feel about this relationship. It has ceased to be based on truth between two equals, and moved to being distorted by the attempted manipulation of one party by the other. A very different relationship indeed - and not one I think I could participate in.