What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

I wonder if he is trying to back out of your relationship. He appears to have gone along quite happily with what you wanted but now has changed his mind. You aren't going to want to live in Norway.

Perhaps it would be best for you to part.

You’re not unreasonable to not want to move in as much as you communicated this to him straight away. But your reaction towards Norway is….. odd. You were fine in Seattle but think Norway is some hugely different culture? 🤔 it really isn’t….

Could understand if it was somewhere dangerous, or somewhere with a totally non-western culture, or oppressive laws towards women. But Norway?! I’d love the opportunity to live there.

It’s fine that you don’t want to but I’d say YABU for your attitude towards the country.

"ideally we would ....'
Ideally for you but not for him it seems.
Decision time I think.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable really, you just want different things. He’s changed his mind which isn’t unusual.

I think you’ve been clear from the beginning that you don’t want to move - that is completely fine, you haven’t moved any goal posts.

If you do want to compromise for a year, 100% go before marriage make it abundantly clear it’s for 1 year only. When there make it clear to all family it’s for 1 year only and tell him you’ll be doing so.

you’ve then done as he asked and if after that he’s not happy then you know you’re done. If he insists on being married first then he’s trying to trap you there. That’s my worry. Certainly don’t fall pregnant over there.

If he doesn’t like that idea you know he’ll never be okay and it’s done anyway.

Agree. You need to break up with him, OP. Your marriage would be Resentment Central in no time.

Fully agree , l don't think this will work

Norway is not a utopia, it sounds like for Op it will feel like a cage. Its v interesting how everyone is projecting their fantasies onto it.

He's said for a year. Not forever. A compromise would be agreeing to it for a year but being clear it's not what you want forever. A longer term compromise would be spending summers in Oslo and the rest of the year in the UK. I know a few couples who visit the non-UK national's homeland for a whole month in the summer holidays. But OP has made the decision that her only priority is what she wants, which is fine, but not a good set up for marriage.

FWIW, it would give you a good understanding of your husband’s culture. And our national culture and language affects a lot more than you‘d think, from what you consider polite, how you make decisions, plan ahead (or not), how spontaneous you are, how you view and handle money, understand authority and teamwork.

They would be invaluable insights- just because he speaks (presumably) excellent English doesn’t mean he thinks like a Brit.

Is she meant to just leave a job if she likes it and go through finding something, if she can?

It’s not easy and she shouldn’t do it unless she actually wants to.

This is a very good point. And an important one when considering marrying into another culture. Even if they seem similar, they're not necessarily. I say that as a Danish person with friends in Norway.

I was with you till you laid out plan to live in London then move to 'the burbs'. I'd far rather Oslo. Did he agree to move to the suburbs?

Oh, absolutely. I was more trying to make the point that from the boyfriend's perspective it's will be a no-brainer where he will want to bring up kids if those two are his options. I also lived abroad for a couple of decades in countries that weren't as "good" as my home country but my exh refused to live in my country. In the end the resentment of having to compromise of mine and our children's quality of life got too bad that I left him and moved back home. I think this is where this relationship will end up too if OP take such a hard stance against it when on paper, it makes more sense to raise a family in Norway.

It will be hard for him to be generous enough to compromise on his future children's quality of life just so that OP can live near her sister and friends when he is being denied the opportunity to do the same. Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling here.

@Pladi

I can only tell you when I met by DH ( 35 years now ) I said, Im not marrying, Im not having children, and Im never moving to NI ( where he was from - Im a Londoner, we met in London )

We dont have children :)

Yes, I agree that would make sense if OP's going to go at all - apart frrom anything else if it doesn't work out it would save the angst of a divorce

You don't like his home country, you don't speak the language and you don't sound like you like his family very much. It sounds from your posts that you're just not compatible. There has to be some interest there... I'm married to a German and I wouldn't be happy if he was so dismissive of my language, culture, family.
But yeah at the same time, you were clear from the begining so he probably shouldn't have continued the relationship.

There are a few options she could explore- seeing whether going remote would be possible and perhaps coming back to the UK for monthly meetings, taking a year long career break, etc.

If she doesn't want to make that sacrifice then she shouldn't but if you start a marriage by saying you won't make sacrifices for the other person you might as well prepare the divorce papers at the same time.

My husband and I lived in an area we couldn't afford and I didn't love for years because he needed to be close to his daughter. When she was old enough, he moved away from the place he'd known his whole life so that I could be close to my family and we could afford a better life. But we live in the countryside when deep down I'm a city girl, because he wouldn't have been happy in the city.

That's how it works. On the one hand, marriage is never getting exactly what you want, but on the other hand, it's always having everything you want, because all we really need to be happy is each other and our kids.

When do you plan to marry? Because I would not be doing that unless he was happy with you never living in his home country. You made it clear from the start that it's not something you'd consider. If that's a deal breaker for him fair enough, but now is the time for him to decide that. He can either make peace with never living in his home country again, even for a year, or he can end the engagement.

Tell him you have been clear from the start and he needs to think about if it's a deal breaker or not for him. 6 years in and engaged is a bit late to the show to be trying to manipulate you into changing your mind.

And yes, you're right to be hesitant in case he refuses to move back. So many women end up stuck in a country with zero support network and an ex that refuses to let them move back home with their children. Don't even consider it.

There have been many women who shared on the living overseas topic about living in a country they did not love, finding themselves trapped with partners who refuse to move back, unable to fully exploit their own careers, unable to make deep connections, unable to move back, being further trapped by having children.. I am a trailing spouse... I know some of these women.

If you don’t want to go to Oslo with him I will. Great place, beautiful country, civilised society.

No you are not. You were clear from the beginning. Yes, it’s unfair on him but he made the choice to stay with you . You shouldn’t have to do anything you do not want to. Neither should he , so that’s his choice to make but he clearly thought you weren’t serious but that’s on him not you .

Could you compromise and consider Bergen instead of Oslo? I thought Oslo was awful, but Bergen reminds me a lot of Seattle.

This is very plausible and I'd worry about this too, especially after having children. You might end up being stuck there after the initial commitment.

I mean Norway is a civilised country, better than the UK currently is, but that's not the point.