Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

[NachoChip]

My DH and I have a 2 year old. I'm naturally quite a relaxed person, I've never been one for routines and before having DS I loved to travel, socialise, eat and drink out a lot etc. My DH has become a bit less a fan of the socialising and spontaneity over the years, which is fine and I understand the reasons for it (this is relevant).

DS got into a routine later than a lot of my friends with babies the same age as he was a terrible sleeper but now he's found his groove with his midday nap and bedtime, we're really strict with it to the point where social activities have to work around that e.g. when meeting people for lunch all together, we ask if we can meet after his nap or one of us will turn up later with him etc. I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

I always thought I'd be one of the more easy going, children should fit into your life type parents. I don't know if, because DH doesn't have the same social desires as me right now and is naturally stricter, I'm just falling in or whether I am doing the right thing.

We're also quite strict with his food....he has a range of meals, eats out, is allowed a croissant or teacakes every now and then but we've never allowed him chocolate, cake, crisps and ice cream etc which definitely seems different to everyone else I know.

My AIBU is...are we being too strict? I'm particularly keen to hear if we are on the sleep routine/socialising.

YABU - yes you're too strict, chill out
YANBU - you've got it about right

I don't think there is a right answer on this. Clearly your child is not disadvantaged by the routine so it's only an issue if it's an issue for you and your DP. Do YOU want to be more flexible with your routine? If not, it's fine, if yes then you need to speak to your DP about doing more / being less tied to the routine.

FWIW we are conscious of nap times etc but we typically work our days so our toddler is either in the car or his pram around the right time. Likewise, we'd go out in the evening if we could either get him to sleep in his pram or the car at about the right time. We wouldn't keep him up super late (but mainly because he'd be unbearable)

I’d say that organising your time like that is fairly rigid but nothing terribly unusual. Don’t worry for a few mins though!
Re foods - yes obviously focus on healthier foods, you’re establishing good habits. He needs to learn variety to o & that should include exposure to a few “treat” foods, such as baked-not-fried crisps or dried fruit “sweets” or lower sugar chocolates, etc. ( Careful that you don’t accidentally drum in to him as he ages that he eats healthily with his parents & then junk elsewhere!)

I think the fact you’re even asking speaks volumes. Do you feel things are a bit too rigid?

A couple of things jumped out at me. Why are you the only one who can put your DS to sleep? That’s not sustainable longer term and is impacting your ability to socialise in the evening.

I also think you are being quite strict with his midday nap and food. Has he never had an ice cream or a birthday cake?

I think yes it is too strict a routine if you’re missing out on social activities in the afternoon and can basically never have an evening out, and it does read as though you’d actually quite like to do those things occasionally.

The food sounds fine. Soon he’ll get to the age where he becomes more aware and starts asking for stuff, particularly once birthday parties start, or you want to bribe him with chocolate buttons for weeing in the potty but until then leave him in blissful ignorance!

Second and subsequent children can almost never have this same level of routine and don't habitually turn out less healthy than first born children, which indicates all the rigidity isn't necessary unless you actually like it. My second born ate chocolate etc far earlier than my first as they were around it more (eg accompanying sibling to parties) but is a better eater in general now than my elder one.

It has to suit everyone-and the routine you have now doesn’t seem to suit you! We actually didn’t have a routine at all with ours and that worked for us. But I know that is some people’s nightmare.

Children generally thrive on routines. Personally I would be similar to you wrt sleep but slightly more relaxed wrt food.

On the routine front, I don’t think it’s the routine that’s an issue, it’s the fact you’re the only one who can get him to sleep. I’d get that sorted - you don’t want to be chained to bedtime forever. We were fairly strict with our daughters routine as if she was tired her behaviour tanked and it didn’t seem fair for her to end up like that if we could avoid it. On rare occasions we would mess around with it, but not often, and we generally planned life round it for the 12-18 months we needed to. It’s not long in the grand scheme of things.

On the food front, yes I think you are being overly strict for his age. We were similar for the first 18 months or so but I think you have to become more flexible as they get older. What do you do at birthday parties? Stop him having any cake? You’ll soon have lots of those types of events and play dates at someone else’s house where they choose the food, you have to relinquish control. I’m of the mind it’s better to avoid a stance where such things are ‘treats’ and rather allow appropriate consumption of them as part of regular life, so they can learn to self-moderate their diet and not learn to associate food as a treat or reward.

The more children you have, the less of a strict routine you have.
Having children is actually supposed to be pleasurable, your routine seems rather restrictive.
They grow up so quickly. Try to chill out a bit.

I think it’s just a personal thing. Your way or life wouldn’t be for me, we’ve always been quite laid back and relaxed about schedules and timings and prioritise experiences and enjoyment over sticking to nap times or being strict around food (although I do limit UPF at home but happy with the odd ice cream, cake, sweets and treats when out or at friends’ houses). I like doing social things, so that’s always been important. DH has put both of our DC to bed from very early, because it’s important to us that both parents can do bedtimes. Even when breastfeeding, DH could still put DC to bed if I expressed beforehand.

But the only thing that matters is if it works for you, and it doesn’t sound like it does?

I was like this with my first and with my second I’m so much more easygoing with it and it’s fine. She’s 18 months old and if she naps an hour later, she’s fine, if it’s in the car she’s fine, she’s terrible at sleeping in her pram so sometimes she just cat naps twice instead of a long nap and she’s fine.

You also say you’re the only one who can get your DC to sleep, but that has to change. It’ll be a couple of tough evenings but you need to not get stuck in the habit of doing it every night because your DH doesn’t do it as easily. Your DC will sleep eventually and then you’re off the hook for giving up your evening every evening!

Honestly, I find it tedious when friends are slaves to their children’s nap routine and won’t meet for lunch at a sensible time etc. But then I had an easygoing baby who happily slept whenever in his pram, so it was easy to judge.

There is no "right thing" regarding the routine, do what works for you. You don't always end up parenting the way you thought you would, and that's fine. If it works, keep going, if you're not happy about things then you can try being more flexible and see how to goes. I think the strict routine comes from having a bad sleeper...when you find a routine that works and helps them sleep better at night you want to stick to it!

My nearly 3 year old hasn't had a nap since turning 2 as otherwise he won't sleep at night. However when he was still napping we were restricted as he wouldn't just nod off in a pram while we were out. I was always really jealous of mums sitting in a cafe having a nice relaxing time while their angelic little child slept in the buggy next to them!

We always had a strict routine, but would let it slide occasionally for a special occasion/one-off event.
I think if you aren’t doing that, you’re possibly being a little too rigid, but I also think you are right to have a reasonably strict routine as babies and toddlers thrive off that.

Thank you very much all for your replies.
The bedtime is because I breastfeed DS to sleep still. I don't mind the current way of life as I know it's temporary but I do have moments where I feel like I need a break. I don't know if we'll be able to have another so maybe that's why I'm happy to sacrifice a bit socially knowing it'll come back one day.

For those who are more flexible, do you find your children get grouchy being tired etc or is it workable?

At 2 they’re generally not quite as reliant on the nap as when they’re babies so I’d expect that you could flex here and there as needed. If nap time is shorter because it’s in the pram or the car then you put them to bed a bit earlier to compensate. Worth a try anyway, if it’s a disaster you don’t have to do it again until the nap has been dropped which probably won’t be long anyway.

No advice on the feeding to sleep specifically but if bedtime is a normal time couldn’t you still go out afterwards? We’ve typically split bedtimes between us but when they were under 4 and we had a babysitter we always did bedtime then left once they were asleep. Have I missed what stops you doing that either to have a sitter and go out as a couple or even just to go out solo so you can feed, handover to DH then meet friends? If bedtime is v late like 10pm or something then I’d strongly consider dropping the nap.

That period (1.5-2.5) was the one we were the strictest about routine too, our eldest was a very good sleeper but really needed his naps.

Our youngest is much more flexible and doesn't need that much sleep so we don't pay attention to routine as much.

I think of it works for all of you, that's fine. You know it's temporary.
We also used to do some day outs here and there from 2.5 on weekends to test how well he was coping.

I don’t sign up to the ‘children should fit your life’ mantra at all and neither does DH. We are quite rigid with DD (just turned 2) especially naps and mindful of snacks / food. Nap wise we can wiggle things by 30min either way and try to mirror nursery routines for continuity. We haven’t been out in the evening together since DD arrived no village to support babysitting. Thankfully both DH and I can get DD settled for the night which means we can escape once in a while for a solo outing or catch up with friends.

A routine is a absolutely fine if it works for you.

Personally, I love a routine and enjoy the two hours of peace when the baby is reliably sleeping more than I would enjoy being able to go out for lunch in that exact window. I can see people before and after. It's really not a huge problem. If there is something that absolutely cannot be moved then one of you going and the other staying works well. Or get a babysitter.

The bedtime thing is ok if he sleeps through after that. If you can put him down and then go out, fine. I wouldn't personally be happy to never go out. If it were me I would prioritise finding a different way to get him to sleep that DH/a babysitter could also do. But again, if you don't mind then it's fine. It's your life, not mine!

The food thing is fine. When he's old enough to know about chocolate and sweets and asks you can give him a little. Absolutely no need to introduce him to it though.

Each and every one of your replies are so helpful, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. You've all made me feel a lot better that I'm not wildly off the mark but a bit more flexibility, particularly to get out in the evening, is something I should consider. Thank you.

I loved a routine and being able to chill out during a pretty much guaranteed two hour nap was blissful. So where is was in my control we planned around it - classes etc I’d only book ones that worked for me. If I was making plans with others would suggest my preferred times.

But I wouldn’t miss out on other things I wanted to do if invited and it didn’t quite ‘work’. Short car naps, late bedtimes etc on occasions are fine and needed!

Do whatever works for you and makes your life happier and easier most of the time!

Mine (4, 2 and 4m) have always had a consistent but kind of flexible routine. Bedtime is at the same time every night and requires one of us to be there - eldest would have a bottle of pumped milk at bedtime so I could have a break and go out if I wanted, but I haven’t bothered with that for siblings as realised that I hated pumping and was prepared to sacrifice the occasional evening out until my babies are one-ish (when the big two have weaned). I am a bit more flexible with naps and happy to do these on the go - which has been necessary with the baby but also worked well for me as I like to be out and about.

I’m actually with you on food. I find it very hard to accept them eating unhealthy stuff. My eldest didn’t have cake until two, and I managed to avoid real ice cream until this summer. I actually had to make a conscious effort after he turned two to try and allow a bit of “treat” food (I don’t call it this) now and again, as I know it could be harmful for anything to be seen as bad or restricted. So we might share a croissant or something if we go out. Typically, the middle one got to try these things a bit earlier. There’s still no way I’d allow them to eat sweets though - I know they will try them in time, but don’t see any reason to feed them to a pre-schooler.

SIL is much stricter than me with routine and food. Many people are more relaxed. All of our kids seem fine!

I was very routinely when my DC were young which was great in many ways (all 3DC slept 12 hours at 12 weeks and went to sleep on their own with no drama etc). The downside was I really had to stick to the routine or the DC would get upset/over tired/possibly not eat so life for a number of years was quite rigid. However all in all I would do it the same way again, I did enjoy the evenings, regular nap times and regular going out times.

I had a similar routine to you with my first and am much more relaxed with my second.

I honestly haven't noticed any difference in behaviour between the two (both have had the same number of sleep regressions so far and acted similarly at bedtime etc.).

I don't think there's a right answer, just what works best for your family. I do feel much more relaxed now I'm not sticking to a rigid schedule or missing out on socialising as much though.