Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

[NachoChip]

My DH and I have a 2 year old. I'm naturally quite a relaxed person, I've never been one for routines and before having DS I loved to travel, socialise, eat and drink out a lot etc. My DH has become a bit less a fan of the socialising and spontaneity over the years, which is fine and I understand the reasons for it (this is relevant).

DS got into a routine later than a lot of my friends with babies the same age as he was a terrible sleeper but now he's found his groove with his midday nap and bedtime, we're really strict with it to the point where social activities have to work around that e.g. when meeting people for lunch all together, we ask if we can meet after his nap or one of us will turn up later with him etc. I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

I always thought I'd be one of the more easy going, children should fit into your life type parents. I don't know if, because DH doesn't have the same social desires as me right now and is naturally stricter, I'm just falling in or whether I am doing the right thing.

We're also quite strict with his food....he has a range of meals, eats out, is allowed a croissant or teacakes every now and then but we've never allowed him chocolate, cake, crisps and ice cream etc which definitely seems different to everyone else I know.

My AIBU is...are we being too strict? I'm particularly keen to hear if we are on the sleep routine/socialising.

YABU - yes you're too strict, chill out
YANBU - you've got it about right

Not having any evening social life is just daft OP. A good bed time routine is important but a 2 year old only only being able to sleep if you’re there is ridiculous. Go out. He’ll fall asleep eventually without you there.

If it helps, my son stopped napping at 2 years old so the nap time issue might not be around for much longer.

The way I see this sort of thing is, what are the consequences of a missed/delayed nap? For us, they weren’t worth it! Our socialising would have been ruined by an overtired/overstimulated toddler.

I would work on transitioning to a place where you and DH can both get him to sleep in the evenings.

This stage really doesn’t last long. If routine is working, I’d stick with routine.

I actually found I needed a stricter routine with 2!

I was strict with my eldest too, less so with the second who was easier in every regard. I think it’s something that is baby dependent to an extent.

I also feel that if it impacts one parent more than the other they’re entitled to veto. Dh worked long hours and wasn’t often around for bedtimes, so I was the one that had to settle the dc. He resented the restrictions nap time created on his time off, but since I was the one who had to deal with the results, I stood my ground.

And it passes, because naps (sadly) don’t last forever.

I would hold off the crap good as long as you can. Once they get to preschool they get bombarded with it, and everything changes.

We are the same OP. In my experience of friends with kids the same age (nursery and NCT) they are very strict with nap time. No one I know is super flexible with this at all. Bed time is more of a mixed bag, if it seems to depend on the kid - if they are ok with a strict bedtime then parents go with that, some are more tricky and bedtime varies.

friends with slightly older children seem to flex bedtime a bit by letting children nap on holiday so they can go to bed later.

it won’t last very long, I’m content with a strict routine for a few years because I feel more in control. On occasions when we’ve had to be flexible (delayed flight!) she’s been fine though.

We have to do the same with our 2 year old as life isn’t worth living if he doesn’t have his nap. We do on the odd occasion try and skip it for some event but always regret it. He even had to be taken home early at our wedding because he missed his nap and was completely unreasonable.

eta
We keep him up later for events and he’s fine though, although it does knock him out of whack slightly the next day but he’s ok usually.

Same! Raising two kids meant I needed that nap time and bedtime routine even more! We put our eldest in pre-school just for mornings when our second child arrived so it coincided with the long nap time for the youngest (and I never felt the eldest was missing out as he was busy doing activities at pre-school whilst the youngest napped). Kept the routine of out and about in the afternoon for a walk/park/buggy nap and to meet friends.

Bedtime always at 7pm - it kept my sanity having the evenings for us. We only let go of the routine on holiday when they had extra long late afternoon naps.

An over-tired child is absolutely no fun to be around (we’ve all been there at some point) and its just draining and exhausting for the child and parent.

I am definitely a planner and I loved having a routine when mine were young. Sticking to it most of the time meant I got more time for me (DP worked away a lot so I found it essential) and sometimes my whole day would be planned around one thing I wanted to do but it had to fit with eating and naps (and so when we drove somewhere as they would sleep in car). I would have some flexibility for socialising but not too often. So I think if you are happy with routine and it works well for your child stick with it. The main thing I would work on is your DH being able to do bedtime - we take alternate nights and I don't go out loads but I do love knowing which evenings are mine to make plans if I want.

I think it depends a lot on the child. We are super flexible but our toddler is relatively low sleep needs. There are days where he may only have a 15 minute nap in the car and manages fine with it. But some of my friends toddlers would be an absolute nightmare if they only had a 15 minute nap so are much more rigid with their routines. You could always try being a bit more flexible (if you want to) and see how it works for you. But they wont nap forever so if your routine works for now then stick with it!

Its normal (and temporary) to prioritise your child's needs. I never found it an issue to fit social things around it.

Mine all thrived on routine so I don’t think there is a massive issue there. As pp have said, I do think you need to work on getting someone else to do bedtime though - it doesn’t mean you can’t still BF to sleep, just someone else has a different routine for the evening.

We never went mad on snacks/ treats at home, but certainly weren’t as strict as you seem to be. I do remember one playgroup though where a child was climbing all
over the tables at snack time and having to be restrained by his Mum - she apologised and said he never ate sugar so was essentially being sent feral by the lure of a plate of
rich tea!!

Honestly a routine is fine if it's working for you but I couldn't have lived liked that unless I absolutely had too. We were lucky with DD who would sleep in the car or pram, have a lie in if she's been up late etc.

I think the key thing to remember with social life etc is this is only for a short time. In a few years you will barely remember the times when they napped and were too young for ice cream and you can go out for an afternoon of socialising, they'll play with your friends kids, have an ice cream and it's all much more relaxed

As pp have noted, at some point the nap/bed routine will stop working for you all.

We found that when DS was around 2.5, any nap in the day meant that bedtime was becoming ridiculously late. He just wasn't tired enough to fall asleep, even with all the sleep cues of a familiar bedtime routine.

But at the same time, he couldn't manage cold turkey no nap every day - some days he was just too tired to get through the day. And trying to engineer the day so that he had no nap opportunities was unnecessarily rigid and restrictive: We couldn't go anywhere with the car or on the bus/train because he would fall asleep, we couldn't use the buggy or the bike seat because he'd fall asleep in it, sometimes he fell asleep getting a piggyback ride or just being carried. And staying at home all day was a recipe for boredom and frustration for everyone.

It was a tricky period and there was no perfect solution. Sometimes he had no nap and an early bed and it was great; sometimes we planned for a short nap and late bed and it was ok; sometimes he had no nap and was a screamy, overtired mess but at least he went to bed early; sometimes he had a late nap and a horrendous late bedtime and woke early and overtired the next day and it was a big mess but we got through it.

But letting go of the need for it to work out perfectly and the ability to manage when it all went totally sideways was definitely important to getting through it without too much frustration and overwhelm.

We were a bit like this on the sleep front with our first for the first year/18 months. (Although we still socialised, we just got a blackout cover for the buggy which she preferred to her cot). She was a very sensitive baby though and needed sleep or she just screamed. She was like an unexploded bomb, and napping at nursery was a nightmare until they also got the buggy blackout.

But by a year we were more relaxed. I think at 2 you are a bit rigid, especially if only you can get him to sleep. I knew someone who had to hold each of her children’s hands until they fell asleep, the oldest was 5!!! She never got out in the evening till 8.30! Don’t be that person!

Youngest was a dream by comparison. Rarely cried, slept anywhere, was super portable.

DS has never needed much sleep and wouldn’t really get grouchy if he missed a nap or had a late night. I think that was partly his personality (he’s 10 now and still refuses to admit when he’s tired!!) but also the fact that we’ve always been flexible. We live somewhere that has lots of family friendly social events some of which go on quite late. It’s not uncommon to see babies asleep in prams/slings wearing ear defenders! And older kids who are mobile get fully involved and embrace the occasional late night.

I think you should do what works for you as a family some might like a routine. I didn't have nap times for any of my 4 I just went with the flow maybe because it was a long time ago and there wasn't social media or apps which loads of parents seem to have now to track everything.

Have to say every single anorexic young woman I know of (I've known of 5) has been obsessed with exercise and overally obsessed with healthy eating/very fussy eaters or not really bothered about food in geveral. Plus some of the parents were also obsessed with exercise and limiting what 'treat' food they gave their kids. I'd say its a tricky situation to navigate. I overheard one family at harvester/premier Inn breakfast chatting a few years ago. The Mum was late then turned up wet hair and gushing about the run she'd just been on. 2 boys (approx 8 & 10) one wanted butter and jam on his crumpet- mum said 'no its either one or the other you know the rules' etc. Both parents looked gaunt. Made me feel sad. Obviously that was a tiny snapshot into their lives and kid might have been diabetic for all I know but I had a friend a bit like this too. if her kids wanted extra cake etc she'd say 'yes but let's go for a bike ride/exercise first then we can have the cake.'

Having all foods- including sweet treats- as part of a balanced diet is the opposite of an unhealthy eating pattern.

There is a huge difference between encouraging balanced and healthy meals and banning certain foods from a child's diet. Research shows that restricting food and making some foods "bad" creates unhealthy relationships with food.

I don't know one person, I can think of around 10-20 off the top of my head.

Ah, I'm the opposite. Strict on food (especially UPFs) but relaxed on naps/sleep. My baby (toddler not so much) naps around mine/our social activities. I find it incredibly frustrating organising get togethers with friends who are super strict with nap times. At the end of the day, I parent how I feel is best and everyone's miles vary here.

ETA: Cake, biscuits, ice cream are fine at parties or grandparents house as occasional treats but we literally don't have them in the house.

I stick to a routine with my 19 month old because if he sleeps later/longer than normal then it messes up his night time sleep. I will do whatever it takes to protect my own sleep, so that means he needs to sleep which means he needs to stick to his own routine.

Why can't you go out in the evenings after you've put him to bed?
If your husband isn't fussed about going out then it will work perfect for you, I go out all the time after baby is in bed and my husband stays home.

Family life is just that, it has to work for everyone in the family. Yours sounds like it's working well for your DS and husband and slightly less well for you (or I don't think you'd be asking). You need to rebalance slightly I think.

Get your partner doing nights. You might have a rough few days but the world won't end. If you want to go to lunch at a nap time, you absolutely should. Again, maybe you have a rough afternoon but you can just veg out - it's not every day.

The food thing - it's fine and up to you, the bit that gave me pause is where you said you love going out to eat and socialise. I have always been liberal about my child's eating (within reason) because I wanted to pass on the joy of food to her, not make some nice foods forbidden. I love to treat myself to a cake from time to time so why shouldn't she? I have happy memories of splitting a muffin with her in a cafe every so often. I just mention this because I wonder if that's what's niggling you about it.

Just from the perspective of someone whose parents were very strict re food, and only let me have sugar-free squash, but let me have gallons of the stuff, I never learned any self control with sweet food or drinks as a child, so as soon as I had my own money I would e.g. buy a sharing bag of sweets or something and eat the whole thing in a day, and it continued into adulthood. DH and I are taking the approach of letting DC have a moderate amount of chocolate/cake, but no more, and discussing with them that too much makes one unhealthy and is bad for your teeth. Also no artificial sweeteners at all, because that really confuses the brain, so just small amounts of fruit juice etc then water or milk for the rest of the day.
None of us gets these things 100% right though; so don't beat yourself up about it. That fact that you care enough to worry is a good thing!

I had my sons in a very strict routine until my youngest stopped napping at 3.5y. We missed out on a lot of socialising, never had full days out etc etc BUT now my kids are 6 and 4.5 and they are amazing sleepers, amazing eaters and we have been gradually relaxing the routine for the past year and it’s been great for everyone. We are still in a routine during school term, especially on dinner time and bedtime, but the 6yo can be a bit more relaxed and not have this affect him.
Looking back I think we did the best decision to work our lives around the kids routines. I believe it has made them feel secure and calm in our daily lives

It's not too strict if you're happy with it. I personallt wouldnt be happy with not being able to socialise and not being able to leave my child in the eveninga.