Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

[NachoChip]

My DH and I have a 2 year old. I'm naturally quite a relaxed person, I've never been one for routines and before having DS I loved to travel, socialise, eat and drink out a lot etc. My DH has become a bit less a fan of the socialising and spontaneity over the years, which is fine and I understand the reasons for it (this is relevant).

DS got into a routine later than a lot of my friends with babies the same age as he was a terrible sleeper but now he's found his groove with his midday nap and bedtime, we're really strict with it to the point where social activities have to work around that e.g. when meeting people for lunch all together, we ask if we can meet after his nap or one of us will turn up later with him etc. I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

I always thought I'd be one of the more easy going, children should fit into your life type parents. I don't know if, because DH doesn't have the same social desires as me right now and is naturally stricter, I'm just falling in or whether I am doing the right thing.

We're also quite strict with his food....he has a range of meals, eats out, is allowed a croissant or teacakes every now and then but we've never allowed him chocolate, cake, crisps and ice cream etc which definitely seems different to everyone else I know.

My AIBU is...are we being too strict? I'm particularly keen to hear if we are on the sleep routine/socialising.

YABU - yes you're too strict, chill out
YANBU - you've got it about right

I have 2 and it’s hard to say if it’s chicken or egg. They’re super chill, will nap anywhere, sometimes go to bed at 7 sometimes at 8:30 depending what we’ve done. 4 year old still has a nap often but still goes to bed at normal time. They’ll nap anywhere and will shift their nap depending on what we’re doing time wise.

But I don’t know if they’re chill because I’ve never had a strict routine or if I don’t need a strict routine because they’re chill…

I know I personally wouldn’t cope with a strict routine. Also I would feel bad if my older one missed out because we had to get back for younger ones nap.

I am an anxious person with a 3 year old DD and thought I’d need a routine to survive but strangely, we don’t have one at all. I did plan one and read all the books 😂 but I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after she was born and it all went out the window. She does sleep and eat well though so I think this is probably why it works, rather than us being parents of the year…if I wasn’t getting any sleep at night I’d do whatever it took to make that happen.

She had terrible reflux as a baby, constant vomit until she was weaned so we would carry her everywhere in a sling which she’d sleep in wherever, and she dropped all naps at 2 anyway. Bedtime is about the same time every night, but no hard and fast rules around it and if we are on holiday or staying with family we play it by ear. Same with meals, except at nursery obviously.

I have a history of disordered eating/ED and did not want to pass good/bad food mentality on to her so we allowed bits of sweet stuff right from the beginning, in moderation and nothing too super processed. (She doesn’t ever have squash though, I’m anti-squash 😂 or anything fizzy, or anything with sweeteners in) I’m proud of how she moderates her eating, she’ll eat a couple of bites of cake for example and say she’s done and won’t always choose junk at parties when she’s allowed to choose bits for herself. At a festival recently she was desperate to go to the sweetie bus so I let her choose about 20 sweets, jelly baby type things. They lasted 3 days because she’d have a couple, then put them in her bag and do something else. I don’t know if that’s just how she is, or whether our approach “worked”, or it’s a just a happy accident but I’m very relieved and desperately hope it continues.

I tried to get into a strict routine with DC1 but she was a crap napper and would never nap in a cot and I used to get so stressed about it. Being into the more gentle approach and totally opposed to sleep training, we eventually eased off trying to be strict and got into a make it up as we go groove and everyone was much happier. She would nap on the go mostly and was much happier for it.

With DC2 I just didn't even try for a strict routine. With a toddler in tow already it was just never on the cards. He would nap in the carrier, buggy, car, floor.....never in his cot the same as his sister.

They're older now and great sleepers and I don't feel like lack of routine ever did them harm and it certainly helped my mental wellbeing to be more relaxed and adaptable.

Honestly once you have a bad sleeper you’ll do anything to never go back to that again. I found a strict routine worked wonders for my son. It meant he was never tired or hungry and was always a joy to be around. We didn’t have to worry about tantrums because of over tiredness or sugar crashes. If it works for you then do it. As they get older the routine naturally relaxes as they can handle the odd late night or late dinner. But toddlers are much easier to live with if well rested and well fed!

Your children should fit in with you, not the other way round. Personally I couldn’t do that tight a routine and didn’t with my 3. On the food - doesn’t seem terrible but at some point you probably need to loosen up a bit or the forbidden foods will be very desirable.

Sleep routine is king. I didn’t mess with it until they were at least 3+. I didn’t really care if anyone thought we were too rigid – they weren’t the ones impacted by the repercussions.

I would give a second thought to the food as he gets older. Children have to learn appropriate restriction rather than all-out denial.

I don't think there really is a "too strict" you do what works for your child and you. The question really is what are you sacrificing for your son's routine? and do those sacrifices work for him and you? For me personally, I think partly because I don't drive, I found a strict nap time made it hard to get out, so we never really had one, The same with food - I think we were more relaxed than you, but I don't think that's better. Interestingly now age 12, my child who was the toddler who would eat loads of things most toddlers wouldn't, is the 12 year old whose fussier than many others! However as a toddler it was easy to feed him on a day out because he'd have something most places. I would say you are "too strict" if you are unhappy because of how constrained you are, but otherwise you aren't.

Maybe you are but does it really matter ?

Just remember that these years won't be forever, if you want to be strict it may suit you for the time being

This exactly. I've seen quite a few toddlers having meltdowns at parties/family get together and every single one had been showing signs of being overtired beforehand.

A routine makes sure mine doesn't really get that way. And I like it that way. I'm not saying he's never that way but I will prioritise his nap and routine over attending an event with an overtired toddler. Some find that restrictive. I find it helpful.

I’m a big fan of routines for kids, but I’m wondering why you’re the only one that can get him to sleep. That has nothing to do with routines. That’s a habit that you and him have gotten yourself into and should be solved because it’s limiting your socialising options (which you clearly miss). So you need to work on that.

Yes, toddlers get grouchy when tired . Tmocer tiredness is what causes the meltdowns and tantrums at parties, out shopping etc. Your kid will be a lot happier when they get enough sleep.