Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

[NachoChip]

My DH and I have a 2 year old. I'm naturally quite a relaxed person, I've never been one for routines and before having DS I loved to travel, socialise, eat and drink out a lot etc. My DH has become a bit less a fan of the socialising and spontaneity over the years, which is fine and I understand the reasons for it (this is relevant).

DS got into a routine later than a lot of my friends with babies the same age as he was a terrible sleeper but now he's found his groove with his midday nap and bedtime, we're really strict with it to the point where social activities have to work around that e.g. when meeting people for lunch all together, we ask if we can meet after his nap or one of us will turn up later with him etc. I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

I always thought I'd be one of the more easy going, children should fit into your life type parents. I don't know if, because DH doesn't have the same social desires as me right now and is naturally stricter, I'm just falling in or whether I am doing the right thing.

We're also quite strict with his food....he has a range of meals, eats out, is allowed a croissant or teacakes every now and then but we've never allowed him chocolate, cake, crisps and ice cream etc which definitely seems different to everyone else I know.

My AIBU is...are we being too strict? I'm particularly keen to hear if we are on the sleep routine/socialising.

YABU - yes you're too strict, chill out
YANBU - you've got it about right

I couldn't lead such a rigid life and I wouldn't want to restrict DD to one either.

FWIW everyone I know who was restricted from various foods growing up is now obese and has a very unhealthy relationship with food.

Yikes. What a dull life. Why is a 2 year old still requiring this level of nap? If you had another child this wouldn’t be possible. Routine is good but actually children need to fit into your life

And allergies it seems

but if you didn’t- it would have been the same. Luck you had kids that sleep 12 hours, or you just didn’t wake up and are a deep sleeper.

No advice at all, but I LOVE that you call them Teacakes! West Yorkshire ❤️❤️❤️❤️

My eldest is almost 3, and honestly my opinion on stuff like this is you should do what is best for your family. Neither of mine have ever slept well, including naps, so my only rule is we don’t do things that lead to us leaving somewhere in the car after like 3pm as they’ll fall asleep then bedtime is a nightmare. They’ve both had chocolate and cake, but they don’t eat a lot of shite, just some treats.

I know people who’ve been very rigid, and people who are very relaxed, their kids are all fine. Do what works for you.

My eldest is almost 3, and honestly my opinion on stuff like this is you should do what is best for your family. Neither of mine have ever slept well, including naps, so my only rule is we don’t do things that lead to us leaving somewhere in the car after like 3pm as they’ll fall asleep then bedtime is a nightmare. They’ve both had chocolate and cake, but they don’t eat a lot of shite, just some treats.

I know people who’ve been very rigid, and people who are very relaxed, their kids are all fine. Do what works for you.

I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

That’s your main problem. Your partner needs to step up and do bedtimes. Your child is a toddler not a baby, time to head out one or two evenings a week and just let your partner get on with bedtime.

Be careful about being too rigud, i know he's only young but it's ok to relax occasionally.

My dc had a friend whose parents strictly controlled their diet, routine and general lifestyle. The child rebelled at every given opportunity from eating junk at parties, to binge drinking as a teen to hanging out with dodgy people.

Completely agree with you re naps and routine. Children thrive off routine. However I would relax a little bit with the food, everything is fine in moderation. I knew someone once who was like this as a parent and when the child got to school age and started being invited to parties it was like she couldn’t cope with the amount of food she wasn’t allowed was in offer and used to spend the whole party eating 🤣

The food thing is fine but no way would I allow my life to be dictated by naps.

We are strict with routines and food. No regrets. DC is 7 now, sleeps great independently and over the last couple years we can be more chill with bedtime. But honestly, staying out late with an over tired preschooler isn’t fun for anyone.

on the food front, we are strict with processed food and sugar but don’t make an issue with DC. We just don’t have it in the house or offer it. As a result when DC has been offered processed food like Cheetos or hot dogs or crisps, they usually say something to the effect of “this doesn’t taste like food.” We didn’t give DC cake or pudding type things at all until they were at least 3 and they never asked for it. Kids develop sugar and salt tastes early so IMO limiting crap early is helping to set them up for healthy eating habits lifelong and I don’t really give a shit if anyone else thinks I am being too strict 🤷‍♀️.

My DC slept great at home and would not do pram naps after about 1 and napped 2 hours every day until 4.5. The behavior consequences of an overtired child were never worth socializing! That said, we did stop them napping at 4.5 because it got too limiting as they were older and we had play dates and swim lessons etc. When they were little, it just meant I could bugger off skiing for a morning and not feel like I was dumping DH (who is happy to chill at home) with a ton of solo parent time because DC slept so much.

Do you really have that much difficulty getting him to sleep at night if his midday nap starts at 1pm instead, for instance?

If he's two, it isn't going to be all that long before he needs a shorter nap anyway.

It depends entirely on the child and how much you value the social events. Dealing with toddler meltdowns is not fun.

I am not strict at all with the younger one's routine as tbh they have to fit in with whatever the older one is doing. With the older one, we had a rough routine but weren't slaves to it and would never have turned down social events due to naptime, for example.

But a large part of that is based on my children's personalities. They're not great sleepers but being busy and active means they sleep better. Missed naps didn't really affect either of them that much. And they don't get grotty, grumpy and tearful if kept up late - instead they get wired like little duracell bunnies and will just run around in circles until they finally conk out and are scraped off the floor into bed. And the longer you keep them up, the later they'll sleep. That's nothing I've done, that's just their personalities. So for weddings, evening parties, holidays in hot climates etc., it makes sense just to keep them up and let them run themselves into the ground with the rest of the kids there. But I know other children who need to be in bed by 7 otherwise they don't sleep well and it knocks them out the next day.

There is nothing magical about having a super strict routine for a toddler, in fact there is evidence that being strict and inflexible undercuts the cognitive and emotional regulations associated with sleep and napping routines. So if the routine is working for you, then it's good. But it sounds as though it isn't working for you - at the very least, you want to go out more.

If you want to go out more, then you should. If the issue with you going out is that DH can't get the toddler to sleep, then he needs to work on getting the toddler to sleep. This would be a good idea anyway as it gives you more flexibility and hedges against problems like you being unexpectedly hospitalized or otherwise unavailable. And developing that flexibility will likely significantly help your toddler with developing emotional regulation (one of the big benefits of not-super-strict-routines).

On the food side - I would say it's good to keep their diet healthy for as long as you can, but not by making it narrow. It sounds like you're just avoiding ultra-processed foods and overly sweet things, so that doesn't seem like much of an issue.

It depends a lot on the kid too. Some really really need a routine, if you change it they are cranky nervous and cry a lot, I read there are more sensitive kids than others. I know of laid back parents who had to really change as one of the kids was very sensitive and would drive them crazy when tired… so really you can try and be more flexible if you want but you really know how much flexibility your kid allows you.

re food, I agree with you. In the uk there is a very unhealthy food culture and it shows on the amount of overweight and obese ppl as adults. It is an epidemic and its getting worst. I see parents giving crisps, chocolate biscuits to kids when they pick term up from nursery instead of a proper balanced dinner. The amount of unhealthy pouches, crisps in the form of carrot sticks, fruity strings that are actually loaded with crap etc is unbelievable. Unfortunately kids will eat unhealthy stuff at kids parties, at friends houses and also at school, where despite huge improvements in the past 10 years, sugary puddings are still offered daily to obese kids, but offering an healthy diet at home will help them to learn what is a current way of living, which will help as adults. Continuous snacking as kids also create food noise and then you have adults that can’t stop eating all day long and no amount of diets can help with that (drugs now can but loads of side effects). Healthy food habit it is part of the education parents need to teach as the impact on health is massive.

Actually research shoes the contrary. Our adult obesity issues are due to the unhealthy food eaten in the 70s and 80s especially as part of school lunches. You might know one person but reality is unhealthy food habits as kids, snacking etc is the main cause of obesity in adults.

A lot of my friends were like this. It wouldn’t work for me. My child napped on the go pram / car if we had plans. But we all parent different and if sleep is an issue I can see why routine is key

food wise sounds fine as sugar should be limited but I’d be very wary of vocalising to your child why they aren’t having it. When they start going to parties and seeing other kids eat cake etc. being overly strict with treat foods puts them on a pedestal and can encourage secret eating / binging later on as they associate those foods as being off limits / something to hide. Personally i expose all food groups and encourage the mantra of everything in moderation. For example we don’t give a pudding, we put it all out at the same time on the same plate so nothing is seen as a “treat”

We're the same re sleep and naps. It's a consequence of having a terrible sleeper. We are constantly terrified of the lack of sleep and even an extra hour of good sleep makes a massive difference. The fear of another night being woken every hour is real and we would do anything to avoid that.

Re the food, sounds sensible and in line with NHS advice. Why give a 2 year old cake? Seriously, why?

We found as ours had a routine it was easier to bend it than those that didn't. Our kids coped with a late-night party and were happy, whereas the kids that had no routine were too tired and grumpy to enjoy it.

I had a snooze shade that went on the pushchair that also reclined flat. Both mine would nap in that if needed. Sometimes they slept longer sometimes not but always enough to keep them happy. Routine is great as it gives you freedom to enjoy life. It becomes bad if it doesn't. It should help you plan the needs of your child.

I have 4 kids and it’s been different with each one. Every time I think I know the right way one of my kids throws me a curveball and I have to adapt. It comes down to what works for you and your family and his development. Next year may look very different. If there’s something you’re unhappy with you could talk to your DH and try a new approach. Don’t stress it, stay in your relaxed mindset and keep an open mind. About the food, it may sound overly strict what you’re doing, but modern science supports your attitude. Ultra processed foods are destructive to our health in every way. If you go too far on restriction that can cause issues as well. So yes a little sugar or junk every now and then will teach them how to balance healthy foods vs. treats. Balance is key to almost everything, and that’s true for every person in your family. It sounds like you’re making adjustments but still going out. I would just focus on what works for you and not compare too much.

I was really strict with my first and much less so with my second. No way is right ot wrong. You just do what ever is best for your family at that moment in time. It wont be forever.

You will get your life back again I promise. In another year or so when your little one is talking and being more independent you will feel different

Id never miss a nap for either of my children. Its not worth the hassle and truthfully I need thst few hours in a day just for myself whether that be in the cot, car or pram etc

I did like a routine with my children but yours does seem excessive the fact you can’t go out.

I know how important it is for naps and bedtime routines as I have three children. I have never been one for making sure I’m home for naps. I have ways encouraged mine to sleep at nap time but this can be in the car and I would let him have his nap on our way out somewhere or home etc then would sit in car til he woke, or I would take him for a walk in the buggy and encourage him to nap, wheel him in to the garden and let him sleep (safely obvs). As for evenings, my younger two will only let me put them to bed and they are 3 and 4 and I can tell you it’s exhausting and extremely limiting for me. My OH is useless and won’t even try as he says they cry. Yes, they’ll be upset but will soon get used to it and then it be the new norm. In terms of bedtimes though, I’ve always made sure we are home for the evening routine.

as for the food, there is no right or wrong way to bring up a child. The only thing I would say is that if you don’t allow any treats, they’ll grow up binging on them elsewhere and could develop unhealthy habits. I am very much of the opinion that “everything in moderation” is good. One little treat a day after dinner is fine. A slice of birthday cake or croissant here or there. Also, what’s wrong with a tea cake?
When you have more children, they’ll follow the older one’s routine as all children are different. So unless you want to be stuck in all day for two different children’s routines, I would loosen up a bit. As long as they have their nap, whether it be on the go, or at home, the same sleep is being achieved. Mine loved a nice walk and a nap. I got out, was exercising and we got fresh air.

Good luck x