Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

[NachoChip]

My DH and I have a 2 year old. I'm naturally quite a relaxed person, I've never been one for routines and before having DS I loved to travel, socialise, eat and drink out a lot etc. My DH has become a bit less a fan of the socialising and spontaneity over the years, which is fine and I understand the reasons for it (this is relevant).

DS got into a routine later than a lot of my friends with babies the same age as he was a terrible sleeper but now he's found his groove with his midday nap and bedtime, we're really strict with it to the point where social activities have to work around that e.g. when meeting people for lunch all together, we ask if we can meet after his nap or one of us will turn up later with him etc. I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

I always thought I'd be one of the more easy going, children should fit into your life type parents. I don't know if, because DH doesn't have the same social desires as me right now and is naturally stricter, I'm just falling in or whether I am doing the right thing.

We're also quite strict with his food....he has a range of meals, eats out, is allowed a croissant or teacakes every now and then but we've never allowed him chocolate, cake, crisps and ice cream etc which definitely seems different to everyone else I know.

My AIBU is...are we being too strict? I'm particularly keen to hear if we are on the sleep routine/socialising.

YABU - yes you're too strict, chill out
YANBU - you've got it about right

Surprised by the voting!!!!

Our dd didnt just "fall asleep" anywhere she only slept well in her cot
At home she slept 12/1 to 3/4 then did a 7-7 which was a dream.... if she didn't get a decent nap it was madness.

We didn't do afternoon things for about 18m
It was just not worth it and "the system" worked for us. Around 3/3.5 she dropped the nap and we have more flex but its summer and hot so we still tend to do morning outings and hike for 1ish for ds to nap which she chills out

The food you could loosen up a bit on but its not extreme/ massively controlling. We want her to be able to self regulate and heavy restrictions dont achieve that. Equally parents feed their kids a lot of crap

Can't edit!

I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

This explains the votes and i agree with others this is a problem! You need to go out for 1hr walks and leave your dh to it at bedtimes for a week then start to alternate

I think do what works for you but this set up youve got wouldn't work for me.

Have you tried having your husband put your toddler to sleep? I know you've said you still breastfeed to sleep - I was the same at 2 (weaned at 2.5 when I fell pregnant again) so I understand - I also did 99% of bedtimes but on the rare occasion I had a night out organised, I just left DH to it. Bedtime was usually later and once he even put her in the car to get her to sleep but he always managed it in the end! Sometimes with these things, you don't know how it'll pan out until you try!

I think at 2 the nap schedule needs to start loosening up a bit. A nap in the car/pram on the way somewhere is fine. A solid bedtime routine is pretty standard though.

I think that when you've had a bad sleeper you cling for dear life to the things you perceive to be 'working'. However, often it's just a change that comes with age and nothing to do with the schedule! If you have multiple children the death grip on routine that it's possible to have with one DC goes out the window so it's easier to see.

Why can't you go out after bedtime or your DH does bedtime?

We're strict with food at home, but we do allow party food at parties and dessert at social occasions. They've still never had chocolate or sweets though at 2 and 4.

Edit: just seen you BF to sleep. Just see what happens if you're husband does bedtime - so often it is us that gets stuck in our ways, kids adapt quickly!

I was very strict with DD1 in regard to her routine as it worked for her and us and I didnt want to ruin a good thing, sleep is important for all. I had DS1 10 months ago and his sleep routine is up and down but I am trying to keep it in place. I am also currently pregnant.
in regards to food I was super strict with DD1 in regard to zero sugar and no junk or treats and I dont feel it has benefited her she is 12. With DS1 I am more relaxed he has had a lick of ice cream on hot days, had a bit of cake at parties etc and it has been fun and nice for him to join in. We brush his teeth every night. My husband often says he can’t believe how different I am in to what food I let DS have, he eats what I make for everyone and has had so many different flavours where as DD1 I gave everything quite plain but healthy.

The fact that you think it’s wrong even to give a child normal crisps as a treat sometimes (got to be baked not fried!) indicates an overly fussy purist attitude towards food that’s going to struggle when it meets the reality of school, and the child suddenly becomes exposed to actual treats, where “sweets” aren’t dried fruit!

If he’s 2 the naps will likely come to an end soon anyway. Mine stopped napping at about 2.5 which changes day times dramatically anyway.

It’s often said you have to parent the child you have.

So I would be looking into whether you’re strict because you’ve found out you need to stick to strict routine for ds or if you’ve set it upon yourselves because it’s a habit you formed.

Id allow some treats every now and again but it’s not vital to his wellbeing (he’s 2!) (or necessary for anyone tbh!) but I’d be aware as he gets older if you’re out with friends and all their kids are having an ice cream and he’s not allowed it can set a bad relationship with food because it’s human nature to crave the hidden fruit so to speak and later in life when he has his own freedom he may not have learned the skills of moderation. Having said that he’s still 2 so it depends how long you plan on not having those foods in his life for.

I don’t think you are or aren’t being unreasonable. But if it’s working for you there’s no need to change it unless you want to.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I think I am exactly the same as you though- I thought I would be a chilled out mum who didn't worry about a 'routine' and currently plan my life around being home by half 5 to make sure tea is done ready for bedtime at 7 (DD is 2 and a quarter).

I do let it slide for special occasions but generally no way, I need my chill out time in the evenings!! Also still breastfeeding so its mostly me but once a week DH does bedtime. It takes him a lot longer but I have night lessons so it's necessary.

We're less strict with the nap so long as it's in the right ballpark and not too long. We skipped a nap last week as we had visitors and DD was awake for 3 hours in the night 😵‍💫

Am also quite strict with processed sugar and junk food, although she is given cake and stuff at nursery occasionally so now I have relaxed a bit and give her the odd bit of ice cream or peanut butter cookies we bake.

I don't think it will harm your child either way so do what is best for your mental health! Whether thats the evening downtime with LO in bed or time out and about with friends. People will probably judge either way but fuck them 😊

We were similar - DH was stricter than me with the routine. Naps could be a pain sometimes but it was clearly in DCs best interests. We also benefitted from the downtime at home. We pushed through any tricky phases e.g. nap refusing around 2/2.5 and both of ours ended up having a long nap until around their 4th birthday. It was easier with DC2 as by then we were socialising more with people with kids too who were happy to do e.g. a morning slot. It was definitely im their best interests to have that nap and also stick to bedtime.

What was different in our case was I could have an evening out. I fed both mine for a long time (until 3y and 4y) but by about 12m I could feed earlier e.g. 5pm and then go out and by 18m ish I could skip an evening feed completely e.g. go for drinks straight from work. If you are happy enough, leave things as they are. If it's getting too much, you could consider either weaning off that feed to sleep or just leaving your DH sometimes to figure it out without you.

From about 4/5 onwards we obviously had no naps and they could start having the occasional late night without it impacting. We still keep bedtime fairly consistent, just varying it when we have plans.

i would say don’t lose yourself. You need to enjoy life too. Putting your child to bed shouldn’t always fall on you so your DH needs to learn how to do this. If he struggles then he needs to persist. Otherwise this could turn into resentment later.

re food - I was stricter with my first and she’s much worse at self controlling what she eats than my second. I think moderation is best. If you restrict things too much they become more desired.

This is just my thoughts though. Routine & providing a healthy diet for a child is good parenting. It needs to be right for everyone though.

My dc2 needed a routine. Never napped anywhere but the cot (despite me and others trying!) it was very restrictive but I stuck to it because I values my sleep at night. She was also breastfed until 2 1/2. What I will say is the time passes quickly (even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time) and we soon able to be more flexible once she started playgroup and her sleep routine changed. Dc1, 3 and 4 were different because I was working full time and naps etc were a lot more random.
Do whatever works for you to get through this time.
Re the food - I have been strict/relaxed/breast fed/bottle fed and I can honestly say now my dc are all 12yrs plus you would not know which is which. Actually my 2 pickiest eaters as small children now eat anything and the other 2 who ate everything in front of them as small children are now picky 🤷🏽‍♀️
But let your child have a chocolate button!
Also, I have always been strict with bedtimes (when at home) when dc were younger but as they got older encouraged them to self regulate.
Actually, looking back I have always done what is easiest for me 🙈 and they have all turned out ok!

If it works for you ignore other people's comments.

However. Dont forget that babies and toddlers grow and change. Whatever routine you have needs to shift as for example their nap starts to drop off. I remember being so thrown by.those changes when id just got used to it.

I do think you need to start preparing for the nap to slide away as they.arent tired at midday forever! And the period where they move away from.the nap is one where some.days they have one...someday its at 3pm.and bedtime.is later

If you start getting anxious or unable to move bedtime.and be flexible about that it just is stressful

Tbh I've seen a lot of stress from people who were rigid but I also think if the baby has a nice routine it makes parent life easier

I would not want to be a total slave to bedtime tbh and I would hope as they grow older that you would be getting out regardless of what impact it had on bedtime. You need a life too

Napping until 4 is unusual in the UK as children are in pre school by 3.

I actually agree we stop children having a day time sleep early but by 3 or 4 you would have to accept a late bedtime if you want to let them sleep in the day

My children would definitely fall asleep after nursery snd even in the early days of reception at about 4 or 5pm.but you then have to accept a late bedtime !

Essentially your husband can't expect a rigid exact routine forever as children grow and change

Oh memory recall - I used to help out at Brownies. We were doing a swimming evening followed by McDonald’s. (I know - people will judge) 1 parent brought her dd to the swimming and then took her home after (no problem) but not before stating to everyone she doesn’t believe in McDonald’s 🤣 and her dd would never have McDonald’s and why are we ok feeding the Brownies junk. The poor girls face 🙁 They were 10.

I’d say you are fine apart from the fact that you’re the only one who can get him to sleep. That disadvantages you hugely, you should be able to socialise on occasion in the evening knowing his Dad can do that part.

I think it's fine to have a strict routine and be strict with food at this age, but I would ditch feeding to sleep so that your DH can do bedtimes and you can go out.

YABU for being the only one to help DS get to sleep for the night when DS is two years old. That seems restrictive/limiting for you and at this point not ideal for DH or DS either.

I breastfed DC when they were that age (though stopped feeding during the night from age one) but from a younger age sometimes went out in the evenings and/or DH helped them to sleep.

I have much older children now. We folllo ed a routine when we could but not to the point that we didn’t go out and my children grew up flexible with sleeping arrangements. Bed times.

other children in stricter routines were a nightmare as they got older if any thing disrupted their routine.

I recall being much happier from the minute I accepted that our lives had to work around the baby's routine and not vice versa.

The strictness over treat foods is fine providing it doesn't extend to other things. Don't let it suck the joy. DH was brought up in a sweets are bad and unnecessary household where they were stinged out one at a time on high days and holidays. I still find sneaky Mars Bar wrappers in his trouser pockets. He's 64! More seriously, because all the sweet stuff was banned or rationed at home, his younger sister binged on it when she grew up. She's still a little tubby.

I also breastfed my kids to sleep into toddler years. However, it's amazing what they will do when you are not around. My dd would happily go to sleep when my dh was putting her to bed by snuggling up to him pretending he was the gruffalo and she was the gruffalo's child. If my mum had them they would happily have a drink of cow's milk before brushing teeth, then a story.

Do whatever works for you! My 2yo is pretty much on no schedule whatsoever but that’s because she’s the youngest of three and there’s no way I could put up with having to meet a nap schedule when out with the other two. So yes, she sometimes falls asleep in the car on the way back from somewhere at 5pm and then doesn’t go to bed until goodness knows when…! I’ve decided I don’t care enough to do anything about it really, if she’s late to bed she’s late to bed. I was definitely more beholden to the schedule with my first!

If you like it, keep it!

I always thought I’d be a relaxed strap baby on and carry on with life parent but my first was a poor sleeper. When she got into an afternoon nap and bedtime routine I tried not to interrupt it. She stopped sleeping in a pram at a little over one and the car at about two so we were really restricted. Baby two slept better so it wasn’t such an issue. It didn’t last forever as both dropped naps at two.

Your bigger issue is not bringing able to leave toddler to go out in the evening. I’d get that sorted as a priority. I’d lighten up on the food as well. Treats are fine in moderation. If you’re really strict he is likely to binge at parties and once a teen will be living on McDonald’s.

I had a fairly strict routine with bedtime but it had been based around self settling from when they were small babies ie putting them down awake but sleepy so they weren’t dependant on someone with them to drop off.

We always did bath, then milk and a biscuit with CBeebies bedtime hour, soon as it finished it was teeth and up for a story then they settled to sleep by themselves. Because that routine was so consistent we could have an odd night out with them where they didn’t follow the routine without messing up bedtime on other nights.

I was less strict around naps. If I was out they’d sleep in a buggy if they were tired. I was stricter with smaller babies but relaxed when they were toddlers.

Food - my first I avoided chocolate and treats in favour of fruit but his sisters has treats much earlier. There is no harm in being stricter but it does become harder as they interact more with others. I’ve found that they seem to get a sweet tooth more if they’ve had a later start to chocolate and cake.

Do what suits your family best pretty much applies to every aspect of raising children.

I had a strict routine (sahm before school years, DH worked very long hours) and it kept me sane and worked for us. Both children have always gone to bed with no fuss around 7 when little, always had 2-3 hour nap in the morning and buggy nap in the afternoon out and about. Routine actually helped me enjoy life more with little ones as I knew I always had the morning nap and evenings to get things done. I did say no to things but the years are short and once they are in school, the years speed by and your’re into the teenage years before you know it. Im not far off being able to go out whenever leaving both kids at home. It goes in a flash!

With food, every parent should aim for healthy food most of the time but theres nothing wrong with treats. We have always been relaxed with having a treat. If its a hot day, no issue with an ice cream - they wont have been gorging on junk all day so its no issue. The most important thing with kids is to keep then active, lots of walks/outdoor activities, and then you really dont sweat over them having a few biscuits or a cake. Its the kids that never move and eat alot of junk that we should be worried about.

If routine works for you, stick to it. You dont see what goes on behind closed doors, so anyone criticising your routine, may have a very chaotic household themselves.