I’ve become friends 24/7 unpaid therapist!

Redcurrent100 · 2025-08-13T10:02:07+00:00

Please Help. I am starting to feel like my friends therapist and I’m struggling. She is going through a horrible situation, but I feel like I’m stuck. Friend is going through a nasty “we’re going to end the engagement” but 5 mins later “we’re going to give it another go” with her fiancé now for the last 6-7 months. He isn’t a great person. In 3 years of knowing each other they have had 2 kids and got engaged. She has always moaned about him, but never to this extent. I’ve spent the whole time wondering why she is with him or marrying him. He is so controlling, financially, socially, everything. Every day for the last 7 months my friend comes to me, calls me, pops over and chats about what he’s done wrong now. Last night I spent an hour on the phone to her whilst she tells me he’s stopped her going out tonight and what not but then this morning she’s messaged to say they sorted things and that she loves him. I’m meant to be seeing her this weekend for a mums day out (I have young DC as well) and the whole day will be spent talking about her toxic fiancé. Nothing will change. What do I do? I don’t want to say never talk to me about him again but I can’t keep doing this for my sanity.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/08/2025 11:04

Be less available. Don’t answer the phone, if she turns up be busy doing something that needs attention. If you do answer the phone tell her you can only speak for 10 minutes, and end the call after that time. You can’t be available to anyone 24/7, so don’t be available to her.

Stichintime · 13/08/2025 11:05

I would keep changing the subject, give a generic reply, or just say 'mmmm' every now and then.

Getupat8amnow · 13/08/2025 11:05

You need to step back softly. Be less available to meet and to have phone calls. This is difficult as if you bluntly tell her she is driving you mad with this constant talk of her awful boyfriend then you could lose the friendship but your mental health is important, more important than being her therapist. Good luck.

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:07

Getupat8amnow · 13/08/2025 11:05

You need to step back softly. Be less available to meet and to have phone calls. This is difficult as if you bluntly tell her she is driving you mad with this constant talk of her awful boyfriend then you could lose the friendship but your mental health is important, more important than being her therapist. Good luck.

I know what she is like I’ve been friends with her now for over 20 years since primary school she will definitely be upset if I tell her to stop talking about things or that it’s too much for me but I think stepping back softly is the way to go!

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olympicsrock · 13/08/2025 11:07

I’d tell her that you seem to spend the whole time talking about him. Agree that she can talk about him for 10 minutes and then needs to change the subject .
or just spend less time with her. Reply to her messages with an emoji - stop being so interested and responsive

fluffythecat1 · 13/08/2025 11:11

I don’t know why some women are like this. It is incredibly self-centred and particularly indulgent and pointless if she unloads on you and then carries on with the relationship without taking any advice.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/08/2025 11:11

Others have given good ideas but I’d also suggest she sees a counsellor. Say to her that it seems to be a massive ongoing issue in her life and you love her and want the best for her so maybe it’s time to get a professional involved.

Sparklesocks · 13/08/2025 11:12

It might sound quite harsh but I think I’d be quite upfront.

Friend, we are going around in circles in these patterns. I care for you deeply but we both know fiancé can treat you badly and you aren’t happy a lot of the time with him, we talk it through, but then you make up and the cycle begins again. I’m here for you but we talk about it all the time and nothing changes, and I find it quite intense to keep hashing it out. I love you but I’m finding it’s starting to impact our friendship as it dominates all of our time together. I can’t keep talking about it. You need to address it with him, or maybe a professional, but something has to give here.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 13/08/2025 11:13

As a starter for this weekend:

"I can see you've been so stressed out and need a break so for today, let's not talk about him. It'll give you some headspace."

Then it's up to you with whether you double down on it as the day goes on with things like
-"I know, but I really don't think I can add anything more to this conversation so let's focus on this activity." or

"today's about the kids, let's focus on them and schedule some adult time to talk about this."

Then you either need to be less available or be honest.

She needs the drama because she isn't changing it. I'm not saying g she enjoys it, but this is a behaviour pattern. Maybe she's seen it in her own parents, maybe she feels trapped, whatever, but you can't change it. So either tune it out and accept that she is bringing you into it and find ways to keep it to manageable levels for you, or just tell.her and expect massive blowback because if she felt able to do something about it, she would.have, and so she will.fall out with you to protect her thought pattern that really he's OK and she's just always the victim (of him or you) and she will bitch about you to him to bring them closer. It's a well-trodded but fucked up dynamic and you saying anything won't change it.

Venalopolos · 13/08/2025 11:16

I’d be quite direct in my advice.

She doesn’t love him, she is not describing a loving relationship. She should take control and leave him. Repeat ad nauseum. She’ll soon get bored of telling you, or take your advice.

EvenMoreCrisps · 13/08/2025 11:16

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:07

I know what she is like I’ve been friends with her now for over 20 years since primary school she will definitely be upset if I tell her to stop talking about things or that it’s too much for me but I think stepping back softly is the way to go!

Show quote history

But yet it's fine for her to upset you by droning on for hours and ruining day trips by obsessing over her shitty bloke?

Stop allowing her to do this, once she starts whining just say you have to go. She doesn't want your advice, just an audience for drama. Decline. You can do it vaguely, or tell the truth.

DaisyChain505 · 13/08/2025 11:17

Friend, if I’m being honest I really think it’s time you make a decision about what direction you want your life to go in and take control of it.

You’re clearly not happy in the relationship and although he may have some good qualities he clearly doesn’t treat you as well as you deserve.

Theres only so long you can keep repeating the same pattern before someone gets seriously hurt or damaged, including your children.

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:19

SaladAndChipsForTea · 13/08/2025 11:13

As a starter for this weekend:

"I can see you've been so stressed out and need a break so for today, let's not talk about him. It'll give you some headspace."

Then it's up to you with whether you double down on it as the day goes on with things like
-"I know, but I really don't think I can add anything more to this conversation so let's focus on this activity." or

"today's about the kids, let's focus on them and schedule some adult time to talk about this."

Then you either need to be less available or be honest.

She needs the drama because she isn't changing it. I'm not saying g she enjoys it, but this is a behaviour pattern. Maybe she's seen it in her own parents, maybe she feels trapped, whatever, but you can't change it. So either tune it out and accept that she is bringing you into it and find ways to keep it to manageable levels for you, or just tell.her and expect massive blowback because if she felt able to do something about it, she would.have, and so she will.fall out with you to protect her thought pattern that really he's OK and she's just always the victim (of him or you) and she will bitch about you to him to bring them closer. It's a well-trodded but fucked up dynamic and you saying anything won't change it.

I deeply care about my friend (we have matching tattoos so definitely don’t want to lose her haha) but on a serious note i definitely feel like I’ve become too involved and I’m now stuck.

I would say she likes a bad boy and she gets bored with nice men. This is definitely a theme. It makes me feel sick that she might marry this guy.

Without being too outing we are going to a day out and over night stay with Saturday so I am definitely expecting him to be mentioned. I like what you said “let’s have a day out as mums let’s not talk about him for this day” and see what happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:19

EvenMoreCrisps · 13/08/2025 11:16

But yet it's fine for her to upset you by droning on for hours and ruining day trips by obsessing over her shitty bloke?

Stop allowing her to do this, once she starts whining just say you have to go. She doesn't want your advice, just an audience for drama. Decline. You can do it vaguely, or tell the truth.

Show quote history

My husband says I’m just her trauma dump truck

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Francestein · 13/08/2025 11:19

This is where you need a very simple message….. “I love you dearly, but this is affecting my own mental health. Please understand that I feel very helpless when I watch you continue to hurt yourself. I need some time and space from this, so please come back to me when you value yourself as much as I do.”

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 11:20

Do you give advice? If so, stop doing it. Every time she whinges, just ask what she’s going to do about it and put the ball in her court. Hopefully she’ll realise she’s the only one who can solve the problems she making for herself by being with the guy.

It sounds as if she’s addicted to the never ending drama though.

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:21

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 11:20

Do you give advice? If so, stop doing it. Every time she whinges, just ask what she’s going to do about it and put the ball in her court. Hopefully she’ll realise she’s the only one who can solve the problems she making for herself by being with the guy.

It sounds as if she’s addicted to the never ending drama though.

Edited

Yes and that’s my downfall. I’ve tried to fix things for her and give her advice. Very good advice (in my opinion) but she ignores it. I’ve also tried to be the listening ear without trying to fix anything and she still goes on

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Fluffypotatoe123987 · 13/08/2025 11:24

She may think that's all you want to discuss as its become habbit. If she splits or works it out with him. Prob lose the friend. So change tactics and say maybe download chat gpt ti vent as its helpful and its journaling thoughts etc. Then book a nice day out and say right no men talk.today

Battels · 13/08/2025 11:24

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:07

I know what she is like I’ve been friends with her now for over 20 years since primary school she will definitely be upset if I tell her to stop talking about things or that it’s too much for me but I think stepping back softly is the way to go!

Show quote history

But so what if she’s upset? There’s nothing you can do about that, any more than you can help her awful taste in men. The only person whose behaviour here you can control is you. Is your priority not spending your days listening to a blow by blow account of your friend’s relationship, or is your priority ensuring she’s not upset with you?

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 11:27

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:21

Yes and that’s my downfall. I’ve tried to fix things for her and give her advice. Very good advice (in my opinion) but she ignores it. I’ve also tried to be the listening ear without trying to fix anything and she still goes on

Show quote history

It’s only natural that you’d want to try to help your friend though. What do you think you can do to stop her moaning now if she doesn’t really want a solution?

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:27

Battels · 13/08/2025 11:24

But so what if she’s upset? There’s nothing you can do about that, any more than you can help her awful taste in men. The only person whose behaviour here you can control is you. Is your priority not spending your days listening to a blow by blow account of your friend’s relationship, or is your priority ensuring she’s not upset with you?

Show quote history

I think that you’re right and that this is definitely a me issue as well to work on. I complained to my husband about how draining last nights phone call was and he simply responded “why didn’t you tell her you couldn’t answer” and I think he is right that I probably do feel obligated to help her.

Fwiw she has no parents in her life to talk too and has an iffy relationship with her sister and BIL. I am basically her main support

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TammyJones · 13/08/2025 11:33

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:19

My husband says I’m just her trauma dump truck

Show quote history

Your dh is right.
Also know as an emotional vampire.
I used ti be like your friend.
I can assure you, you are not helping.
You are keeping her stuck
You really need to step back , but you won’t.
sadly , on some level you are getting something out of it.
Maybe you feel needed
In my case my ‘rescuer’ felt superior.
As long as I was failing their life looked great.
Eventually when my life was on the up , they dropped me ..,.,. and strangely my life got even better ….

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 11:34

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:27

I think that you’re right and that this is definitely a me issue as well to work on. I complained to my husband about how draining last nights phone call was and he simply responded “why didn’t you tell her you couldn’t answer” and I think he is right that I probably do feel obligated to help her.

Fwiw she has no parents in her life to talk too and has an iffy relationship with her sister and BIL. I am basically her main support

Show quote history

Much as you care about her, it’s just pouring water into a bucket with holes. It’s surprising how strong someone can grow when they lose their support system and I’m not being mean when I say that.

Original poster

Redcurrent100 · 13/08/2025 11:35

TammyJones · 13/08/2025 11:33

Your dh is right.
Also know as an emotional vampire.
I used ti be like your friend.
I can assure you, you are not helping.
You are keeping her stuck
You really need to step back , but you won’t.
sadly , on some level you are getting something out of it.
Maybe you feel needed
In my case my ‘rescuer’ felt superior.
As long as I was failing their life looked great.
Eventually when my life was on the up , they dropped me ..,.,. and strangely my life got even better ….

Show quote history

I love how you some how have turned my friends toxic relationship into my fault, that’s definitely a new one!!

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GreyCarpet · 13/08/2025 11:35

SaladAndChipsForTea has given some good ideas for ways of shutting down the conversation about him.

Your husband is right. Unfortunately, she probably doesn't realise she's doing it as much as she is and she certainly won't understand or consider the impact on you - it's her going through it and you're her friend.

But you do need to put boundaries in place for your own mental.health.

My daughter has a friend who is in a very similar situation but replace.the 2 children with a planned pregnancy followed by a termination earlier this year where she is now talking about another planned pregnancy with him but equally talks about 'probably' terminating that one too.

My daughter is sympathetic to her emotional needs because of her upbringing but she can see that her friend is trapped in a drama cycle. And,.probably most importantly, she thinks it's normal. She believes all relationships look like this and all women face these struggles.

Your friend has probably normalised a lot of this to herself and you putting some contact/conversational boundaries in place may help her to see that it isn't normal. You can still be supportive and kind but you can't continue to be available to her 24/7 for your own sake as much as hers.