I’ve become friends 24/7 unpaid therapist!

[Redcurrent100]

Please Help. I am starting to feel like my friends therapist and I’m struggling. She is going through a horrible situation, but I feel like I’m stuck.

Friend is going through a nasty “we’re going to end the engagement” but 5 mins later “we’re going to give it another go” with her fiancé now for the last 6-7 months.

He isn’t a great person. In 3 years of knowing each other they have had 2 kids and got engaged. She has always moaned about him, but never to this extent. I’ve spent the whole time wondering why she is with him or marrying him.

He is so controlling, financially, socially, everything.

Every day for the last 7 months my friend comes to me, calls me, pops over and chats about what he’s done wrong now. Last night I spent an hour on the phone to her whilst she tells me he’s stopped her going out tonight and what not but then this morning she’s messaged to say they sorted things and that she loves him.

I’m meant to be seeing her this weekend for a mums day out (I have young DC as well) and the whole day will be spent talking about her toxic fiancé. Nothing will change.

What do I do? I don’t want to say never talk to me about him again but I can’t keep doing this for my sanity.

Are you sure she's your friend or just a mood hoover. I had a friend like this. I told her it was getting me down. When I saw her she had the first 10 mins to vent. Then it had ro stop.

I think that poster was just trying to give an insight into how support can become enabling for the person who can't see the wood for the trees.

Sometimes, people need a gentle mirror holding up to them. As a good friend, you want to be kind, helpful and supportive but it can be a fine line.

And, tbh, I gave daughter very similar advice.

She can't save her friend from her own poor choices any more than you can save yours.

Ultimately, your friend will continue to make these choices until she chooses not to.

There is no advice you can give that will help her to make better choices because you've given it all.

She isn't ready to make a different choice yet.

All you can do is minimise the impact on yourself by putting some boundaries in place.

There is giving insight and then there is accusing me of getting a kick out of helping my best friend or being a reason she is still stuck.

Yes I agree. I will definitely be stepping back x

I agree with the others that you need to step back. You can tell her you care about her, and will support her whatever she decides but you can't have the same conversations about how unhappy she is with nothing changing.

You need to create some space here. Its worth also thinking that, in a way, you're doing the same thing to your DH. You tell him how emotionally draining she is but (as yet) continue to enable her behaviour. Maybe its time to change how you behave and see if that makes her do the same.

I don’t understand threads like this. You’re a grown woman. Surely you can have a polite, considerate, but assertive conversation with her about what the problem is? If not, how do you function in day to day life?

Your husband is right and your friend is incredibly selfish.

Ultimately it is a me issue because I have obviously let my friend push my boundaries and put up with this for so long. She is more like a family member than a friend, I think because she has no parents to talk too or anyone supportive in her life I’ve always felt the need to be there for her. She is of course there for me too in hard times although I don’t need her as much.

Funnily enough I am quite strong with my boundaries in day to day life, which is why my DH says to be I let them slip too much for her. I’m quite blunt with others but with her she’s like a cousin as well as best friend so I constantly allow her in. Without being too outing I’ve been there at the bridge when she’s been suicidal. Becuase of this I worry if she didn’t have my support , what would she do?

I am definitely taking comments on board and I will be stepping back

I’ve ended up in this situation and the only thing that really has worked is stepping back from the friendship - not always answering the phone, being slow to respond to messages about her relationship.
I tried being direct and saying well you know what I think and trying not to engage in it but she didn’t take the hint and just continued. I actually started feeling like the third person in their relationship as she seemed to keen for me to know so much and acted like I was so invested in it.
I feel really sad as I don’t feel like I’m getting much from a friendship that I used to really enjoy.

Has she ever tried accessing mental health services when she’s feeling suicidal?

She was giving her own experience and asking you to reflect on your motivations because, in my many years of vast experience in this area, when people allow themselves to be available 24/7 (I've done it myself) it is usually due to an unmet need in themselves.

When that need is met elsewhere (or doesn't exist), they put boundaries in place.

I think that the relationship may not be your fault but your attention is definitely enabling it. I was actually going to post this as just a reply but your comment seemed so apt for a quote. You have zero control over what she does. Your attention and advice are not helping and if she is loving the drama, may even be fuelling the addiction. For her sake as well as your own you need to change the dynamic. The only control you have here is control over your own actions. Your choice. Continue to enable until your head explodes or do something different. Continue to do the same thing and you will get the same result.

mmm when people react like this its often because they recognise something in the comment.

I didn’t want to be too outing but I worry without my support my friend will hurt herself. It’s why I struggle to ignore calls or texts.

Again, not your issue. She may well have no other support because she’s previously leaned too hard on other people around her, and they’ve understandably withdrawn. No one has the time or inclination to listen to long daily blow by blow instalments of boring. She thinks you’re fine with it, presumably because you’ve never said ‘Look, Helen, I’m your friend and I love you, but I am sick of hearing about you and Ghastly Pete. I will be changing the subject as soon as the topic comes up in future.’

That's not a responsibility anyone can take on, your friend needs professional support if she's suicidal.

That’s not your responsibility.

I asked further up thread, has your friend ever accessed the mental health services when she’s been feeling suicidal?

Be honest. Tell her he's controlling. She's probably afraid of losing time with her children so doesn't leave. It's better to leave either way. Just advise her to leave and keep saying it. That may stop her asking. It's not acceptable to only talk about yourself in a friendship and I'd point that out too. She should then apologise

I'd be honest and tell her that if things continue, you can see it affecting your friendship. I'd suggest she builds her support network e.g. by talking to her GP, the mental health charity Mind, Women's Aid etc.

It's hard but this might be better than simply hinting. Years ago, when I was struggling with my mental health I inadvertently leaned on friends too heavily. As soon as I was told to seek professional help, I did.

Things like changing the conversation, yawning etc. were incredibly hurtful - more than the prompt to seek counselling.

Yes she has

And even then, no professional can take ultimate responsibility for someone else’s self-harm or suicide, assuming they’re not in a locked room on five-minute suicide watch. My sister works with vulnerable people and while she’s excellent at her job, and giving and generous, she’s had instances of her clients ending their lives over the decades she’s been in the job. It’s something she’s had to learn to deal with.

I disagree that I get a kick from helping my friend, but I will agree I thought about your comment and going around in circles or allowing her to constantly feel like she can talk about him to me is something I need to stop for both of our sanities. Maybe if I end the cycle she will have to face reality