I’ve become friends 24/7 unpaid therapist!

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Please Help. I am starting to feel like my friends therapist and I’m struggling. She is going through a horrible situation, but I feel like I’m stuck.

Friend is going through a nasty “we’re going to end the engagement” but 5 mins later “we’re going to give it another go” with her fiancé now for the last 6-7 months.

He isn’t a great person. In 3 years of knowing each other they have had 2 kids and got engaged. She has always moaned about him, but never to this extent. I’ve spent the whole time wondering why she is with him or marrying him.

He is so controlling, financially, socially, everything.

Every day for the last 7 months my friend comes to me, calls me, pops over and chats about what he’s done wrong now. Last night I spent an hour on the phone to her whilst she tells me he’s stopped her going out tonight and what not but then this morning she’s messaged to say they sorted things and that she loves him.

I’m meant to be seeing her this weekend for a mums day out (I have young DC as well) and the whole day will be spent talking about her toxic fiancé. Nothing will change.

What do I do? I don’t want to say never talk to me about him again but I can’t keep doing this for my sanity.

I know this deep down :(

And is her being upset so terrible that you must prevent it at all costs? You can't manage her emotions, only yours. She will be upset then she will get over it - stop trying to control her emotions by being a martyr/people pleaser.

There is help and support then when she’s seriously struggling. It’s important for your own mental health that you don’t feel responsible.

as others have said, not your responsibility.

then do something about it.

You are getting something out of it, all people pleasers are, the something in your case is to not have the unpleasant feeling you would get if you thought you'd upset her. You are trying to avoid that.

I agree

This.

Have you told her plainly and directly that he is an abusive man? That this is a shit, abusive relationship?

It can be really hard to see it when you are in it. Your view of what is normal has been utterly eroded.

Mumsnet is great for being blunt to women about the state of their relationships/ partners but unfortunately friends in RL are not. And this makes it hard for women to see reality. And that keeps them in these shit relationships.

I would tell her plainly who he really is each time.

But feeling resentful is a lot worse than feeling guilty - although neither feeling will kill you as it is a feeling, it's not a fact. And the fizzy stomach churning does go away I promise.

Tell her straight.

The friendship has now become a strain on you. You’re sick and tired of the drama that she has created. She needs to put up and shut up about him or leave.

The problems with her relationship are not ‘real’ problems that require a shoulder to cry on in time of need. They are self inflicted by her inability to put an end to the crap relationship she has with him, possibly because she thrives on the drama.

I had a similar situation once that was getting me down because it was so intense.

I was seeing a therapist at the time anyway and the suggestion was to suggest to my friend that they speak to their own therapist due to the ongoing nature of the issue, as they are trained to deal with this stuff mentally and you are not.

I had this with a friend, daily phone calls and hours of support. Just set your boundaries, stick her on mute and answer when you have the energy to do so. Explaining the strain on yourself to her won't help and she won't leave until she's ready.

Pointing her to other sources eg a paid therapist won't work because she will be thinking why would she pay when she has a free shoulder to cry on through you.

There was a thread fairly recently where the OP helped a friend find a rental to move to to escape her abusive partner & ended up having it all thrown in her face. If she won’t help herself you can’t help her either, as awful as it would feel you should say something similar to a PP suggestion directing her to Mind, women’s aid etc

You are all right.

It all started coming from a place of I want to help my friend and obviously I still do, I worry about her every day. But I have definitely been feeling resentment and perhaps I’ve not said anything because I’d hate her to think I don’t care or that I’m a bad friend. I have been there for her on the days that I’ve struggled myself looking after 2 DC. I have definitely unhealthily allowed boundaries to be taken away because I feel awful for letting her get on with it but I’ve not been taking care of myself

perhaps going around in circles fuels her, maybe she thinks the relationship is ok becuase OP will always be there if they argue.

I’m going to call her Friday evening or explain on Saturday when we meet up that I’m also going through a lot and I don’t have much more to give. That there is nothing else to say but if she does ever leave him and move out then I’ll support her

Yes. I think this is the key thing chronic people-pleasers need to realise. They are choosing to feel one unpleasant feeling (suppressed resentment at their time and attention being taken up) over another unpleasant feeling (that caused by saying no, establishing boundaries, placing the responsibility backl on the other person).

Neither will kill you. Neither is permanent.

But remember you’re choosing. No one is making you do anything.

I’d suggest choosing guilt over resentment too, but that, again, is your choice. By all means continue to dedicate hours of every day listening to her recounting the detail of her awful relationship.

Hi OP, you need to be honest. I've been in a similar situation with my friend minus the fiance and children, but has a very bad rep with very bad men and wonders why it always goes wrong. You just have to be very blunt and tell her she has chosen to stay with him, she has two options: 1. She leaves him or 2. She quits yapping on about how awful he is. I was on the same downward spiral with my friend and informed her that I no longer want to know the nitty gritty or their relationship (he was a typical abusive narcissistic arse) and whatever advice I gave, she never listened. It genuinely drains you and becomes overwhelming so I sympathise. Or you pull back and become less available as others have proposed. Hang in there!

I complained to my husband about how draining last nights phone call was and he simply responded “why didn’t you tell her you couldn’t answer” and I think he is right that I probably do feel obligated to help her

You’re doing to your husband exactly what your friend does to you. Moaning and complaining, but unwilling to really take any action to try and change the dynamic.

As much as you’re sick of hearing about your friends shitty fiancé, your husband is probably starting to get sick of hearing about your shitty friend.

Gently, I would tell her this and say ‘As you never take my advice, you need to stop dumping everything on me as nothing ever changes and you clearly aren’t going to leave him. Shall we get on now?’

Yes you are right! Obviously I don’t tell him every day, but I know I probably do weekly

I said MY FRIEND not you …

I had two friends like this in the last 5-10 years. Both had awful health anxiety. One in particular would call me CONSTANTLY. At the time I had very young children and I found myself neglecting being with them to sort her out constantly.

In the end I had to totally cut contact with both. It seemed harsh to other people, but neither could ever be talked out of their states so like you say it was just neverending.

That is NOT what I said.
And because I have hit a nerve …
Not sure what you want from this thread. … you will not change her.. only she can do that…, by helping her unload you are enabling her to carry on.
her partner upsets her she talks to you, feels better, and goes back and forgives him…

I’m in an eerily similar situation with my friend except it’s being going on over a year and a half! On the one hand I’m very sympathetic and it’s an incredibly difficult situation but on the other it’s very frustrating to listen to the same thing every single time and absolutely nothing changes and she’s doing nothing to try and improve her situation. I genuinely don’t think we’ve spoke about ANYTHING other than her relationship problems in the past year and a half and I’ve had my own life events happen (had a baby, moved house etc)

I’ve just stopped given advice, I let her talk but just have some stock phrases, “that sounds really hard” “I’m sorry your going through this” but also through in the odd “do you want to live the rest of your life like this” and “what are your plans then”

ive realised she’s not going to leave and if i was to be completely honest i will end up the bad guy here and I’m not prepared to do that. If she ever showed any real interest in getting out and asked for my help to do that 100% i would but if she just wants to vent about how shit he is I’m not getting involved.

This thread has made me realise what I need to do

I don’t think people fully realise how hard it is to be someone’s main support and a lot of people on this thread understandably accuse me of poor boundaries but they know nothing about my life or the reason I am trying to support my friend. It isn’t easy to just tell someone to shut up or ignore their calls or texts when they are vulnerable but at the same time this thread has made me realise I’m not responsible for my friend and I feel a weight lifted because to tell you the truth that reassurance has helped me gain confidence to deal with my friend.

I will most likely be there helping her move in and helping her settle but I no longer want to do the whole rant circle anymore. If I hear his name again I feel like I’m going to cry.