I’ve become friends 24/7 unpaid therapist!

[Redcurrent100]

Please Help. I am starting to feel like my friends therapist and I’m struggling. She is going through a horrible situation, but I feel like I’m stuck.

Friend is going through a nasty “we’re going to end the engagement” but 5 mins later “we’re going to give it another go” with her fiancé now for the last 6-7 months.

He isn’t a great person. In 3 years of knowing each other they have had 2 kids and got engaged. She has always moaned about him, but never to this extent. I’ve spent the whole time wondering why she is with him or marrying him.

He is so controlling, financially, socially, everything.

Every day for the last 7 months my friend comes to me, calls me, pops over and chats about what he’s done wrong now. Last night I spent an hour on the phone to her whilst she tells me he’s stopped her going out tonight and what not but then this morning she’s messaged to say they sorted things and that she loves him.

I’m meant to be seeing her this weekend for a mums day out (I have young DC as well) and the whole day will be spent talking about her toxic fiancé. Nothing will change.

What do I do? I don’t want to say never talk to me about him again but I can’t keep doing this for my sanity.

You really are going to have to wean this person off your time. What is in it for you? Can't you develop a hobby which starts to take up loads of your time?

If you can't renegotiate the roles of your relationship (get her to realise that she's talking in circles and that she's being selfish in expecting you to listen endlessly to needless drama), you may have to either accept that you're her unpaid therapist or lessen contact. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, really. If the friendship has morphed into something that drains you, with no relief in sight, ending it may be your only option.

So hard! I had a friend like this. She was engaged, her fiance cheated on her and they split up but she couldn't get over him. One day I tried to kindly say, I think talking about him so much isn't allowing you to move on and she was so angry at me. It broke something in our friendship, but I was personally finding it draining and I didn't think it was helpful for her. Such a hard balance being a good friend, but also protecting yourself.

One thing I do ask myself is that some people will put up with abusive behaviour, horrific relationships and go back 1000 times despite nothing changing but will fall out with their friend for a small disagreement

It doesn’t sound like a balanced friendship. What are you getting out of being her friend? You are not responsible for her. I’d be backing off, gradually, being busy a bit more often, needing to cut a phone conversation short because of going out etc etc.

yup...and I said this upthread.

TBH the falling out over something she thought I’d done when I hadn’t told me she probably wasn’t as blameless as she made out in her relationship with her husband.

Truly sometimes a friendship has run its course. I don’t think I can really get across how much my life improved without her in it and yet I thought we were good friends. There was a gap absolutely and initially it was tough because I’d also got used to the dopamine hit of thinking I was helping and being a good friend by listening.

You are enabling her situation,she feels it's all manageable as long as she can had a good aul whinge with you..maybe say " you know my advice I've said it numerous times" then ask that ye don't talk about her situation all the time,and try enjoy the time ye have together.you are part of this friendship and it's described as one sided.she talks you listen and provide advice..does she listen to you?

I would say ‘sounds like a plan, do that and draw a line under it’ over and over again.

Hi everyone!

I won’t be replying on here anymore but just wanted to thank you all for your responses. It has definitely given me the perspective that I needed to hear. Not just for my sanity, but for my friend, I need to be blunt and tell her how I am feeling and maybe the cycle will end. It will probably long term be a blessing. I will definitely be supportive of her no matter what but I know I need to focus on myself and my own life and kids.

This isn’t healthy for anyone.

thanks again!

I cam answer that honestly.because I've been that friend.

And like any dysfunctional.situation, it starts off very low key with a few concerns and you listen and support. Of course you do.

But then the concerns come more often, so you listen and support.

And then you realise that your friend knows nothing of your own life and that your own concerns or joys haven't been acknowledged.

It creeps up on you!

And the , like you have, you think, "Hang on a minute!! This isn't what I want any more!" And so you do exactly what you're going to do - step back and pu boundaries in place.

All that happens is, the next time you find yourself in this situation is that you recognise the signs sooner and put the boundaries in place sooner.

Most women responding here suggesting what you should do will be coming from a place of wisdom and experience rather than ignorance.

The bluntness is to help you see that, without any doubt, her situation, her happiness and her mental health are not your responsibility.

Most people will be trying to support you rather than criticse.

I hope this makes sense?

@Redcurrent100 i hope you can sort out a solution as I had a friend when I was 28 who trauma dumped and I barely ever got a chance to talk about myself or anything else. Over the next 24 years she’d drop by at the most random times for hours for HOURS to talk about her and her DH issues.

Anyway, I tried to do normal things like restaurant evening dates, days out locally but she only ever wanted to come to mine and trauma dump. So I just let her. Except one night when I tried to intercept with a relevant example of my own (I’d not long come out of a 2 year relationship that I genuinely thought was the one so a little raw), and she dramatically stopped talking and said ‘you do realise I have to go in 20 minutes’ - so totally ignoring what I’d said and implying that I have no right in my own home to talk but to just listen to her in silence and advise accordingly! 🤦🏻‍♀️. Well after she left, I just sat frozen and upset realising how awfully toxic and one sided this friendship had got and so next time she asked to come over I said I wasn’t well and could we make it later that same week. However, this was enough to cause her to go into a strop seemingly as then she didn’t contact me for months.

Then early Feb, she out the blue sent me a funny video clip to watch, no message. I ignored it. Then a few days after that, asking if I was okay. I said I was and just needed some alone time to deal with something. She seemed happy enough with that then sent several messages asking if I was okay amd she could do anything 🙄.

24 years I supported her and because I’m not a strong enough person to push back or set boundaries/expectations of what a healthy friendship is - she put me in a position or maybe I did that by allowing her to where it bought me to the point of mental distress at the thought of seeing her where I get told when I can and can’t speak and am constantly under pressure to advise, advise, advise with absolutely nothing back.

So my only friendship gone forever but no one deserves to be treated as I was - and you potentially may be if a solution isn’t sought now.

I've had this. 2-3hr calls that lead nowhere. No respect for my time. It took 30-60mins to finally end each call. She burnt out a therapist, her son won't speak to her and her husband is drifting a bit now as well.

I was quite ill earlier in the year. She called, I didn't pick up but text to say I was at deaths door and we'd speak in a couple of days. Next day I saw she had called several times and sent 16 texts detailing all of her issues. Never even asked if I was ok.

If they're talking about the same things over and over, talking to you isn't helping. If it was, things would improve. They think it's helping but it's just a temporary release of the pressure valve. A day or two later they're seeking it again.

Last time, I spent half an hour saying I needed to start dinner. Every time I said something like, 'ok I'm off now, we'll speak soon?'' She went silent. I'd had enough and told her these calls were too much and I wasn't doing it anymore.

It's very hard to end this amicably and she may not be your friend anymore x

I think you need to look at your own role in this op. Your friend’s relationship is clearly so unhealthy, but I wonder why your friend feels she can take up all the air time like this? Has she always been the primary priority or is this new? Most friendships no matter how old they are would allow for such a one sided arrangement to evolve.

Look up enmeshment - which is what you seem to be experiencing with your friend - hence you feeling stuck, having the same tattoos.

Be mindful this doesn’t start to ruin your own marriage and relationships.

Your friend needs professional counselling to explore why she is stuck, you need the same to discover why you feel you have had to listen for so long without being really honest about the impact.

Just a couple of things.

One is that she is very likely to tell him what you've said about him and that will make the relationship worse between you and him, and between them both.

The other is that I'd bet she's having sex with him after these arguments, so confuses the oxytocin from sex with thinking she and her boyfriend are well suited. He'll want sex for obvious reasons but also because it will stop her disagreeing with him. She'll want sex to stop the arguments. She'll be loved up because of the sex, not because she actually believes he's OK.

25 years ago I had friend like this. She bitched and I listened.
It hadn't always been like that.
She was building a huge house and was giving me every single annoyance.
She talked and I listened.

I was heavily pregnant with my 3rd child and she rang on my second childs birthday and I was feeling well having been unwell for a few werks.
I told her this and she launched straight into her latest petty annoyance.

I got off the phone and had a huge cry, a really exhausted cry.
I was so done.
I unplugged my phone and wouldn't pick up.
I ghosted her which wasn't great, but I did it for my mental health at the time.

Eventually we spoke and she apologised and I wished her well but I didn't want to continue the friendship.
I told her I was at fault too, I should have told her a lot sooner, but I was simply too exhausted with two young children and one on the way.

It really changed me.
I learnt tough lessons from it and became far more boundaried since.

If you don't change something, it will just continue. Even if they do get married, their relationship will be the same as it is now.

I'd be kind. When she starts going off on him again, I'd tell her that you don't know what more you can say because you feel like she never listens to your advice. I'd then use that as a stepping stone to gently remind her that you have a lot going on in your life too, that she means a lot to you, but that maybe it would better right now if you guys used your time together as an uplifting escape from your problems rather than as a place to dwell on them.

I'd also start limiting my time with her until she can self-reflect and change her dynamic in this friendship. An hour on the phone listening to her repeat problems and giving advice she will toss away by the next morningthis must stop. I'd make a polite excuse to end the call earlylike saying one of your children needs you. Again, a reminder that you have other people in your life...

I definitely understand your long history. But she sounds incredibly self-absorbed.

Tell her how she is making you feel.

Your allowed feeling too.

She's not wrong though. This dynamic is meeting some need for you too. I realise you've opened your eyes to that and you're trying to address it but you've still allowed this to happen for years?

She's not wrong though. This dynamic is meeting some need for you too. I realise you've opened your eyes to that and you're trying to address it but you've still allowed this to happen for years?

Sorry, I didn’t realise that she’s been suicidal, that’s obviously really challenging to deal with.

Hmmm, this is tricky. You want to be there for her but she also needs to sort this out. I felt like I was doing this to my best friend and sister when I was going through marriage troubles for the past couple of years. They must have been so bored with the same old problems that I couldn’t sort out or get past. I did check in with them and apologise for going on and on, and I did have therapy too. And I made sure I asked about them and phoned them when I was happy too with good news to share. They were very tolerant and now I’m through the difficulties.

And I also have had a best friend that confided and complained to me for years and in my 20’s I had a breakdown myself and told her I couldn’t cope with her problems on top of mine and could she see a counsellor like I was doing. Rather than ask me what I was going through or show any concern for me not being the happy one (I faked constant happiness to mask it all, so tiring!) she just said, “I’ll call you again when I’m feeling happier then.” And she never called back. And I never spoke to her again. Another friend is still in touch with her and says she hasn’t changed. I wish her well but a friendship is not possible.

So it depends if you think your friend is being like me - appreciates the help, tries not to dominate every conversation with it and will get there in the end, or being like my friend, who won’t sort it out. Ever. And can you put up with that? What does she give you back as a friend?

She sounds like she wants to stay with this person step back and let her get on with it she enjoys the drama and pulling others into said drama stop enabling her

Cut her off.