MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

This is such a great scenario for a whodunnit. Limited cast of characters, obvious corpse, a physical set up where people may or may not be able to access different cabins, BALCONY ( good for overhearing) , potential for other characters to mix in ( people at your table, turn out to be ex employees in disguise, etc).

Every time something annoying happens, could you not make little notes to yourself about what the murder weapon would be in this scenario?

Some of this I could put up with but the hamster comment at your birthday is an absolute shocker - that alone would be it. I would have thrown her out! I cannot imagine anyone being so rude at someone's birthday!

I think some PP are spot on, pick your battles.
time away from them all is going to be much more important than her wearing matching outfits to your daughter. So that would be what I would put my foot down about instead.

I would however have some comments ready about the outfits to embarrass her like,
“it’s odd, I’ve never seen matching granny and granddaughter outfits anywhere. Then again I don’t suppose there’s many pensioners that want to dress like a toddler and vice versa.” And finish with a patronising tinkly laugh.

Play her at her own game for the holiday.

I never liked kids clubs.

I was a cynical only child and couldn't be arsed with forced fun. One year we met a couple with a daughter my age. She'd been to few activities so I decided to go with her.

I'll never forget the withering resignation in her demeanour when her worst fears were confirmed. It was indeed 'Froggies Disco' again. I told her it didn't have to be this way. We bailed like two marines running for the last Chinook out of dodge.

The cabaret bar our parents were in wasn't much better but at least we had our dignity.😁

You are nuts to be going on holiday with them and your DH needs to man up and stand up to his Mummy too

I’d set an example to your children that what they want matters, too: why should they have to not go to kids club just because other other kids don’t want to? Why should your balcony be open because that’s what MIL wants, when it’s not what you want? Tell DH that what you want and what DC want is equally important and if he can’t get on board with that that’s his issue to handle. No need for raised voices; just statement of intent and follow through. Everyone else can have a grumble if they want but there is nothing wrong with enjoying your holiday the way you want to enjoy it. I know MIL is paying, but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate every minute of your day, does it?

What a shame Covid is no longer a thing, or I’d be testing positive the day before! Sounds a nightmare. Can you just book your self into the spa or something like that to get away from them a bit? Leave DH and the kids to enjoy time with granny!

sure, I was never a club child either but the OP's children WANT to go.

I think the matching outfits are for the OP's kids and SIL's kids...think The Shining.

.........and the others don't want to go.

then they don't have to, but that shouldn't stop the OP's kids going.

This! This is the strategy!

I think I tried not to rise to the rudeness but said "sorry" (thinking I must have misheard her insult, but also so she could repeat herself) and then just kinda shrugged it off and said "hmm... rude!" But more so to myself than in a confrontational way.

I could have written your post 22 years ago, word for word. And you know what, we still cruise with in-laws.
My kids went to kids club cousins didn’t, that’s their parents choice but mine enjoyed it.
We didn’t have the problem of open balcony s as in laws had suites and where on a different deck.
Matching clothes the kids fitted in as I didn’t let it be the issue it wasn’t. Excursions we pre-booked if anyone wanted to join us they could.

Accept it as the generous gift it is and enjoy yourselves.
My MIL is still hard work but I see through it all now as I’ve matured, she is coming from a good place and has been enabled all her life, me getting upset at her is only harming me and as it is now she may only be around another few years so I intend on those being happy.

If your kids want to try the kids club they should be allowed to do so - in your place I'd put my foot down over that. If other kids dont want to go that is up to them.

Don't get me wrong, it causes issues and arguments at times, but no, not a divorcing matter.

I'd sooner upset my MIL and tell her where to go than have it truly compromise my marriage

Omg - work with your DD to find an outfit that would be awful on an older woman and then she can gift it in return when she receives her dress with “DD heard that you were kindly picking something for her to wear so she asked if she could do the same for you - why don’t you both go and get changed now”….

This sounds like workable advice.

I note you said your DH
"reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things"

He seems to think that "being awkward" is a social crime and therefore must avoid at all costs.
But you said, quite reasonably I thought, that you understood there would have to be some joint family activities, but that you'd need a break.. I think you must underline that to him.. and tell him that if you don't get it, then you will start being awkward and he might find that more embarrassing ( a bit cheeky but it is how you are being pushing into putting up with MIL being in command of everything).

I also agree with the pick your battles advice. There are probably things that don't really matter and can be shrugged off. The balcony is non negotiable. Make that clear to him. You could try for the ultimate embarrassing comment "Why are they demanding we keep our balcony open? Are they trying to listen to us having sex?" admittedly MIL might find that more embarrassing and splutter to reply to it but also it might stop her asking. ( again this is quite cheeky but what the hell)

There's probably a timetable of activities online somewhere.. So it might be an idea to choose the things you and DH want to do and plan it out just as you would a half term holiday at home. That way, you can't be thrown any surprise activities that you hate.

Also resolve to enjoy spending time with your DD and DH, even if it is shared occasionally, even if there are things that are annoying you. Don't let that get to you.

If it were me, I’d have to back out. I can’t bear the trapped feeling being on a boat (big or small). Once when I was halfway pregnant DH business associates had a ‘dinner on a boat’.
Daftly I supposed it would be just that.
No.…we set sail after pre-dinner drinks. I was a touch hysterical but lived! Managed to pass it all off as just being pregnant.
So I’d have to let DH take children on his own, can have lovely time home alone?😉

If your kids want to do kids clubs I’d just book them in and do something just you and DH. If MIL questions it I’d just say ‘oh but Millie and joey desperately wanted to try the kids clubs and I’m sure we don’t have to spend every waking minute together do we margaret? Tinkly laugh’

Just do what suits you and spend some time each day with the inlaws. Blame the kids, say you’ve always wanted to do xyz. Basically ignore MILs cries and please yourselves

but he says he can't support something he doesn't agree with

Your DH said this? Brilliant. Say it back to him. Make your mantra. Kids are being told they can't go to kids' clubs? Oh DH, I can't support something I don't agree with. Balconies open? I can't support something I don't agree with. When he disagrees, point out 'but that's what you said to me'.

The BIL strategy is also good. Accompany all this with a smile and stay calm. Oh, never mind, you're just off to do this thing now but you'll see them later, have a lovely time! 😃

Christmas - build in having the third year on your own. And introduce that this year. You'll need it with narcissists on both sides.

If only women realised the misery and stress it brings to their lives marrying weak yes men, to awful MIL's.

What you should make clear to him that if this holiday goes tits up because of his family, there will NEVER be another holiday involving you.
Tell him now so there is "no confusion" about your position.

Keep getting up for a long constitutional around the ship if she bugs you.
Leave him with the children.

Being around such awful people, your narcissistic mother and bitch MIL is so awful for your health.
Throw in a weak husband, and you have a hat trick of pure stress.

Mind your health as these irritations can eat away at it.

I absolutely LOVE this advice! Try that OP! Be super charming and yet slippery as a buttery fox. 🦊 You can do it! And then never go on holiday with her again! Or… have an house-binding illness and stay home having a whale of a time on your own reading books and organising your house/life.

But how does that work if DH wont back you up?

He may not have heard the comment (I'd also take that with a pinch of salt), but he should had believed you and spoken to his mum about being so rude to his wife in front of lots of other people.

Honestly, if I was as rude and overbearing to my two DILs as your MIL is to you, my sons would be absolutely furious with me. I wouldn't dream of behaving like that though. Your DH needs to remember where his loyalties should lie and stop making excuses for his awful mother.