MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

Good God! Matching ‘outfits’ for all daughters at dinner?

How vulgar.

What colour are these ‘outfits’? Council house purple?

😀

Why should your kids miss out just because SIL's kids don't want to try the kids clubs? Why on earth would it be awkward if your kids go and their's don't? Do you all have to be velcroed to each other for the whole holiday? It sounds so claustrophobic and enmeshed.

You've agreed to go on this cruise to please your DH. Surely you can make some of the decisions while you are there?

I’d get a bit of paper and make DH write down all he has said will happen, like getting g time as a family off the ship. So when he denies saying it you can give it to him so he can see how batshit it is and if he won’t then he can also see how batshit it is.

The trumping the birthday present rocking horse is just evil

"In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice"

My late MIL was very spoiled and the family never picked her up on her behaviour. After a year of this (now married for 29 years!) she did the 'petted lip' and baby voice (she was 75 at the time) and I said 'oh my goodness Sandra, are you having a stroke?' She sat there like a stunned mullet and you could have heard a pin drop. Whether she continued with that nonsense when I wasn't present, I don't know, but she never tried it on again with me. She's dead now anyway.

Covid is still a thing!! GP survey from last year puts England at over 3m with long covid here now. Obviously there have been more waves since then. OP can def still use covid as a reason.

The joys of allowing families pay for stuff you spend you whole life paying for it in time. Rather you than me, good luck.

I needed a good laugh today. What a brilliant response! I'll remember this one if I ever speak to my narc mother again.

I can’t get past the rocking horse. Who does that? Did you call her out on it at the time?

I would be wanting to check every present she brought round after that, citing that bizarre rocking horse incident as the reason.

It’s very that your DH feels your kids have to do the same as SILs. What would happen if you went and prebooked an excursion on a shore day with just you, DH and the kids?

In theory this is a great idea, but narc enables are often determined to deny reality. To face it would mean admitting their part in it.

I remember handing my enabling father such lists about my mother's behavior and he would literally toss it in the trash without reading it. If I tried to verbally list instances for him, he would sit there with a blank stare and then change the topic as if he'd momentarily lost his hearing or, if really pushed into a corner, he'd say, "I didn't hear/see/witness that." I texted him such lists, and he would literally reply with, "Hey, so, what should we do for dinner Saturday night?"

I’m not sure you’ve got low tolerance, you sound like you have the patience of a saint. Let some things go like the matching outfits for the girls if your daughter wants to wear them, absolutely shut down the open balcony and access to each other rooms ahead of time. That is non negotiable and if she kicks off and at starts to pout I would be saying pretty firmly that you’re happy not to go and let DH and daughter enjoy the experience.
She sounds like she’s had a lifetime of being queen bee and getting what she wants… Your DH needs to start looking at things from your perspective, how would it like your family strolling through the bedroom?!

If he insists you will have independent time off the ship why not get him to put his money where his mouth is and book excursions in? That way he will have to admit the truth if he isn't willing to actually create independent time. I'd book them in then send to family - or BTW family we've booked X, feel free to join us us. That way you aren't excluding anyone (we'll, not so obviously anyway!) and giving them the choice to join, but have already booked on so can't be guilted into the sitting watching paint dry excursion DPs want to go on.

I also think he's a total ahole for saying the kids can't go to kids club if they want to, who cares if SIL's kids are there and yours aren't? I would definitely push for them being able to go as and when they want to, and if it would be weird you two hanging out with the family without your kids well oh no you'll just have to have some alone time 😁

NOT normal on an intergenerational cruise to open balconies, giving you no privacy as a couple unless that’s what everyone wants. Of course she wants to spend time and make memories with her family, that’s why she’s treating you all, so I’d say lunch and dinner all together, and one or two activities during the day. Some grandchildren may want to do different things at different times so you won’t be together all the time. It’s also fine to want some downtime in your cabin to read a book.

I agree also with PPs that your husband is the one to work on, you can just grey rock MIL when she's being a dick and be all 'oh yes interesting point Gloria' and ignore the actual outcome she wants. But that only works if husband doesn't fold like a deckchair.

You sound massively ungrateful. Why didn't you just turn the 9ffer down if it's going tobe too much of an ordeal.

Yeah, right. She’ll put out her bottom lip and say to everyone that you need to do the easy mobility options as a family, because she paid for the trip. She’ll tell you to get in line and do what she wants, and call you Hamster Face for good measure. And FOG DH will step into line sharpish because that’s how she is, and no, he didn’t hear her call you Hamster Face, so stop being so dramatic, OneBrightCow.

I’m too gobby to have a mil like this, I got on well with mil but going on holiday with other people is too overpowering and over stimulating for me. I like to please us and no one else.

went for a weekend with in-laws, first and last time, it’s definitely not for me. We all had to do the same thing , I felt so suffocated.

This 1000000000% speaking from experience!

the other thing is just picking your battles. The clothes I could live with, for example. The secrecy would annoy me but I’m stubborn so would decide not to be annoyed by it (or rather, not let them get the rise - which is what they want)

This is awful. At least with the other stuff it's mostly you adults who suffer, but now your kids are prevented from doing something they want to do and are excited about, and that you want them to do, for... well, no reason whatsoever? Tbh I don't find this as funny as you seem to.

I have a very controlling mother-in-law with four sons. 15 years ago we all went on a cruise with our partners. It became clear that she was going to control and insist that everybody did everything together at all times. Each day we would stop off at a different place, and be forced (as adults!) to spend the whole day together doing exactly what she wanted. For example they don’t eat lunch and just have a beer. By 3 pm I was effing starving every day. she doesn’t like clothes or looking in shops, so none of us ever did that.

And therefore in Bruges, I really wanted to go and look around some lovely shops and a museum. My husband asked her if we could, being polite, and she said no, we had to stay together. I remember as a woman in her early 20s being really shocked that her mum would say no to this request.

My husband was extremely embarrassed.

So I wandered around Bruges not going in to any shops resentfully and exhausted. We then sat down for beer and crisps. I look back and I can’t imagine ever being that resentful again.

In hindsight I would’ve sent a message via text before, saying I find it overwhelming to be with everyone all the time, so as a family and me myself, we will need some space. I’m just letting you know to manage your expectations.

Pretend it makes you really stressed out to be together all the time. I’d just send it in a message and say you’ll need at least one day to yourself, and a couple of hours on an evening.

For the above reason regarding that cruise, we vowed never to go on holiday with MIL again. We did go on another holiday with just mother and father-in-law in England with our child, and it was exactly the same and it was a nightmare. I’m definitely not making that mistake for the rest of my life.

Just set out your stall in a text message, say it makes you stressed or anxious. Say youve got a headache and go back to the room.

she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday

Is it possible she forgot? Did DH insist she return it? Irrelevant aside but we bought DC the same for their first birthday.

Could you not just leave DH, MIL and the kids to it and make the most of the cruise on your own? The outfits wouldn’t bother me to be honest.

And as for opening the balconies… let her walk in once and see you and DH in a state of undress. That should help.

I think it's tricky because she paid and has expectations and even if you got on brilliantly this could cause issues. I agree with other posters, have set phrases to run out like " oh dear you wanted to do that? But I want to do this so we will see you later" make sure your husband backs you up - hard agree about trying to move your room as the forced proximity might just break you. But drink lots on their money and have a headache a few times to opt out ( lie on your bed and read) and push back a few times if its really important to you. But go in knowing it might not all go your way and then if any bits of the trip do go your way you will be pleasantly surprised and good luck!

Humour is my defence mechanism. In reality I find none of it particularly funny.

"our kids were keen to try the kids clubs but unfortunately SIL kids are not, and DH says it will be awkward if we're sat with the other kids and ours aren't there, therefore they shouldn't go at all. They were disappointed hearing that they may not get to try it out. The only time it would be appropriate is if we were going off for a meal just the 2 of us.... so hopefully we can do that! But I reckon once out of the week will be the limit"

Your husband should be ashamed of himself. He has his own family now and his priority should be to his children. But he would rather disappoint his children than his mother or sister.

If he's not going to do what is in the best interest of his children, they you need to step up and speak up and do it. I'd rather keep them home than dangle fun within reach and let them know they have to miss out.

Mil paid for the trip not op's soul..

I knew deep down that the massive unopened box was something like a rocking horse so deliberately left it to the end for DD to open.

as she as it was unwrapped I calmly confronted her, saying "but u told me your gift wasn't a ride-on toy" (we'd had a discussion when she said she'd bought something... and I quizzed her on it because I had a bad feeling)

her response was "I didn't want to spoil the surprise".

so no, she didn't forget. She absolutely knew what she had done.

i didn't want to cause a scene in Xmas day, but DH obv picked up on the tension and felt the best way to diffuse the situation was to open and assemble the rocker. We had stern words upstairs before he retracted and told his mum that it wouldn't be coming home with us. She ended up giving it to her other granddaughter.