To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

Don’t agree with this. My husband needs reminding of birthdays. As do I – frequently. We’re both extremely busy and my DH carries a huge mental load with the kids as well as me as we both work full time.

We understand that birthdays once a year and memory aren’t indicative of how much we love and care for each other on a daily basis.

Does he have a job?

Does he have a brain injury?

Does he have 12+ brothers and sisters?

Wow. You seem so filled with rage, your parents really did a number on you didn't they? You poor poor soul, try to stop projecting so much spittle lipped venom onto strangers, you are coming across as very unhinged.

Thank you for understanding my posts. He is a sweetheart. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and won't be making a big deal or drama if he has. Thank you for the birthday wishes 😘

Should have just reminded him then, eh? No need for this dramatic thread at all.

It's the planning ahead not to.

As OP said herself, he's a good husband, I'd take it he hasn't planned to be spiteful, but 'matching' it instead of reminding a loved one who usually remembers is tit for tat.

Happy Birthday OP!

This thread appears to be full to the brim with posters who don’t seem to understand that different people are different and we all have different love languages.

For some people, it’s the gift that matters, for some it’s spending time together on a special occasion, for some it’s knowing the other person put the effort in, for some it’s that their partner picks up chores (etc) so they don’t have to do boring tasks on their birthday…

Someone could get a book related to the field they work in, a pair of gorgeous shoes that they love in the wrong size and their DH make them breakfast in bed. Some women would love the book and some would hate it, some would prefer the breakfast to either gift, some would hate that the shoes are the wrong size because they feel that a caring partner knows their shoe size, others would be impressed that he knew the style of shoe she likes.

Personally, for me, it would be really hurtful if DH forgot my birthday. Me reminding him doesn’t make it in any way less hurtful. He didn’t forget any less because I told him! The suggestions to remind him so OP can have a nice day is absolutely ridiculous to me - why would it be nice when she’s had to remind him? OP feels loved, not by being given gifts or taken for lunch but, by her DH caring enough and considering her enough not to forget in the first place.

Telling him means that OP is robbed of the opportunity to discuss his failure and his poor behaviour. She has to deal with the hurt of him forgetting while also having to act like it’s not a problem because he remembered in time (because he was told).

Hush now, you're not allowed to be sensible, fair or rational about this. OP needs to be sharpening knives and getting ready for a cage match.

An opportunity to discuss his failure and poor behaviour?! JFC, sometimes mumsnetters really do the most batshit nonsense imaginable 😅😂😆

He sounds a better son than he is husband. Happy birthday OP, have a lovely day. 🎉

I don’t think this but i do think it’s utterly bizarre that grown adults in serious relationships have such poor communication between them that a birthday becomes the ‘unmentioned’.

Yep, and if OP did this it would be pure spite, whereas if he has forgotten, it was just a normal, human accident and not indicative in any way of how much he cares for her.

My ex “forgot” my birthday even though it was the day before one of his parent’s. It was the latest in a long line of punishment abuses. I managed to get the strength together to kick him out later that year.

I've had a great birthday ever since.

That. And this sentence from another pp just demonstrates how low someone's expectations can be:
I tell my family and buy my own presents from my husband which he gives me.

So that person's mental load includes buying her own presents, then giving them to her husband so he can put them in her hands and say "Happy Birthday". I'm guessing she wraps them nicely, too.

Honestly he sounds great. Anyone can make a mistake especially as we all get older. It’s not just menopausal women who get brain fog occasionally.

😂

This reminds me a little of when my MIL was convinced my DH had forgotten Mother’s Day. She sent a ranting text message to his sister the night before, then at 7am sent a passive aggressive text to him. He’d actually arranged a Fortnum & Mason’s hamper to be delivered to her that morning at 10am. She was extremely sheepish when it arrived (but didn’t actually apologise … ).

It’s not “sensible, fair or rational” to say that OP can’t be upset because that particular poster doesn’t care about that particular thing.

I can guarantee, absolutely guarantee, there are things you would be hurt by that other posters wouldn’t care about. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong for caring about that thing.

I'm so glad its not just me who thinks this! You're allowed to want your birthday celebrated as an adult. And if your significant other likes having their birthday celebrated, why wouldn't you do it to make them happy? If you're prone to forgetting dates, there's a million apps out their which do reminders ffs.

Men just haven't got the same brains as women and many of them can only focus on one thing at a time. I know its a cliche but its also a fact. He's obviously a great bloke and you have a happy marriage so I would just gently remind him as a kindness to yourself and him. You don't want a sad day, you want a happy one so why set yourself up for misery? Have a wonderful birthday and bask in the knowledge that you have a great marriage with a lovely man who sometimes forgets dates and is not great at multi tasking.
Obviously he may have something planned, in which case he is even better than I thought 😉

Fun fact: people matter and forgetting about your partner’s birthday is a failure and poor behaviour.

How is any of that relevant when OP says that this is not usual for him? Maybe the people who have never once forgotten a birthday or anything or importance – not even once – can receive some sort of gold plated certificate in the post which they can bring out and polish when they’re feeling sulky.

Urm, OP actually said he has done this before… Yes, maybe they should start doing it because far too many posters on here think he’s done nothing wrong (if he has forgotten)

If you don't mention it, who wins? Either he's forgotten and you both feel rubbish, or he hasn't and it doesn't matter. If you do mention it, who wins? Either he's forgotten and you feel rubbish today but he has time to make your actual birthday lovely, or he hasn't and it doesn't matter. I don't get why you would set yourself up for a bad time!

I make sure I mention mine to my dad and stepmother every year because about 20 years ago they forgot my stepbrother's. I would feel crap if they forgot mine, so I never let that happen.

Choose happiness, OP.

Being held accountable for more than the bare minimum you mean? Yeah, I'd want to avoid it too, and best to be upfront about it straight away in the profile.

Luckily for them, this thread shows that there are plenty of women who will excuse most behaviours and carry the responsibility themselves, to just keep the marriage good. And the best part is these women have internalised the message that complaining or expecting better is 'martyrdom' and so they'll be their own evangelicals about it. Life is good.

Not to mention that saying, hey it's my birthday next week, do you have anything planned yet is a long, long, long way away from the dramatic scenario the person you are replying to has imagined 😂