To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

She hasn’t set a trap, she’s just realised he’s probably forgotten and can’t decide whether to mention or see if he’s remembered. All these men seem perfectly capable or remembering things at work, funny that.

I think OP is clearly in competition if her birthday is the day before MiL’s and her DH forgets hers but still manages to remember his mothers’.

I wouldn’t be reminding him and giving him any tiny chance to redeem himself by running off to the corner shop for cheap flowers and an awful card.

I will never understand how you could forget your significant others birthday. Surely in the past few weeks whilst at work, looking at calendars, seeing the date on his phone, organising his mothers birthday etc it registered in his brain

“oh if it’s July now that means it’s nearly August and will be @DoneWithThisShizzle birthday!”

”As my mums birthday is coming up and we’re organising something for her that also means @DoneWithThisShizzle birthday is coming up too.”

Im asked weeks in advance what I would like for my birthday, what I would like to do to celebrate, if I have any other plans with friends etc.

This is just so so hurtful OP. Happy birthday for tomorrow. Take yourself out somewhere nice for breakfast/lunch, buy yourself something as a treat and a beautiful bunch of flowers on your way home.

You what? You couldn’t not get something even if he hadn’t bothered to get you something? Why? He’s showing he doesn’t value your happiness enough to put a reminder on his phone or the family calendar - and you’d reward that by remembering and buying something for him? I get that bc it’s the mature thing to do but it also sounds like you think his happiness is more important than yours and you’re not equals. Expect more, OP.

You shouldn’t have to remind him, but you need to be prepared that if you don’t, he may have forgotten. You have the chance to remind him: why don’t you?

Hasn’t there been any other signs of your birthday coming up? Mine is in a few days and I’ve started to get cards through the post. I just pop them on the side table near the front door, so even if DH had forgotten he would see them and remember. I’m seeing a friend this morning and I will come back home with a present, so he’ll see that.

I totally get that you want him to remember without a prompt, but if he’s a great husband in all other aspects, just give him that little nudge. If he does forget, he will be very upset I’m sure … and even more upset if he realises you were basically waiting for him to forget.

Happy Birthday @DoneWithThisShizzle. I hope your DH remembers. For my penny’s worth, I do remind DH, and so do the DC.

Despite that, I have still had a birthday with nothing, not even a card. (I always get cards, presents, cake etc ready in the kitchen). He had been very busy at work, apparently. So I did what PP suggested and did almost nothing for his next birthday, just a card and a kiss. It never happened again.

It’s a bit late for reminders now, but going forward, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Mmm, but not mentioning it is not a neutral thing now, she would be creating a situation where her birthday will be unpleasant for both of them. I can’t see how that’s a good thing.
He needs to put it in his calendar in future if he can’t remember. Some people are rubbish with dates.

I still don't think it's a competition. It's never a good sign if people think they're in competition with their husband. Firstly she doesn't know he has forgotten and secondly it would be perfectly natural for her to check in with him about how they're celebrating her birthday. It's normal communication.

Maybe he has forgotten but this would give him chance to put that right without drama.

I get your point about reminding but as I've already noted, his mother's birthday is, and always has been, the day after mine. I don't usually have to remind him. It's just the past couple of days, when he usually starts dropping hints, that I've noticed he hasn't. A bit baffled to be honest.

I’m surprised so many are telling the OP to remind her husband. There’s been countless threads on here over the years where women are rightly complaining about carrying the mental load, yet OP is supposed to take responsibility for her birthday not being forgotten.

Well, as his mother birthed him and he's known her his entire life and will have been celebrating her birthday every year for his entire life, that's one good reason he might remember her birthday. That and the fact that it's a "big" birthday.

But on top of that, I bet his mum is not in the habit of deliberately not mentioning her birthday to try to sneakily test people. I would lay odds his mum started the conversation about her birthday quite openly.

If she is in competition with her mother in law for attention that is a separate issue she needs to address rather than trying to trick her husband so she can play the victim and make him feel bad for making an ordinary, commonplace and totally human mistake.

Discussion with your mate for life, the one she claims is a lovely husband, is the way to go - not hoping he'll forget so you can climb on your cross and play the martyr.

But you said this was the nail in the coffin of an already unhappy marriage so surely OP would have to be in a similar position as your parents for it to descend into that kind of unpleasantness. And it doesn’t sound as though she is. From this and your other posts, kindly, l’d say you’re projecting a bit.

For the people at the back who can’t hear…..

Women are not responsible for making the men in their lives caring, thoughtful adults! They are grown fully capable adults who if they’re mentally fit enough to maintain a job in the real work, can remember their bloody wives birthdays!

Definitely projecting. He’s a grown man, presumably holding down a responsible job where he has to remember things. If he can do that, and remember his mum’s birthday, he can remember that of his own wife. It’s not her job to chivvy him into remembering.

Absolutely. Expecting bare minimum standards of thoughtfulness and respect is being repackaged as being entitled . I don’t have to remind majority of my close female friends, why should I have to remind my partner ?

Really I don’t see how he could’ve forgotten, I think if Op just sits tight he may surprise her.

People saying if she doesn’t remind him her birthday will be spoilt if he forgets are missing the point . If he only “remembers” because she reminds him he’s still forgotten anyway.

For some people birthdays mean nothing which is fine. But for some of us - clearly including the OP or she wouldn’t have started this thread - it means something for our life partner to remember our birthday.

So having to remind them every year a few days before is hardly the solution as in that case he is still not remembering our birthday - we are!

I had a childhood friend who kept forgotten my birthday despite me remembering her and her 3 kids birthday. She acted all helpless and said there was nothing she could do. “It was just my brain hahaha 🤪”

I calmly said well you could always sat a phone reminder or write it on a calendar. It’s up to you. She shut up and didn’t forget my birthday again. I expect she took my suggestion.

OP could have the same chat with her husband. And if he cares he will take steps to make sure he won’t forget again. Simple.

She doesn't need to remind him at all - only if she wants a big fuss made, which she does. Many of us, women included, don't give a flying fuck about birthdays and are in the habit of forgetting them for nearly everyone.

OP needs to remind ANYONE that she hopes will remember it's her birthday, because it is a normal, commonplace thing to remind people about something you think is incredibly important

Instead, she has deliberately gone out of her way to say absolutely nothing in the hope that he will forget so she can throw a strop and play the martyr.

Her behaviour is that of childish oneupmanship and an attempt to trick him so she can feel victimised, and she will only hurt herself.

"the art of snucking" 😂 I'm going to remember that one! Tbh, he doesn't possess the artistic skills, he's like a child with a secret 😂

That's asad, tit for tattoo is childish.

Can't imagine holding resentment for someone you love for up to a year.

He could have thought of getting something, then not get round to it or think he had when not.

No one is perfect.

Yes, you do seem to be.

This.

You say he’s a great husband, that this is unusual and only happened once. Why should you remind him? Because if he’s a decent, normal person with good intentions, sometimes people forget even important things. Stress, overwhelm, too much to do, an occasional blip in memory. Whatever.

If you’re not understanding of the possibility of that happening a couple of times across your lifetime then you’re being unrealistic and deliberately engineering a problem that doesn’t need to exist. More fool you.

Thank you!

Jesus. To you and the poster you’re replying to. These men presumably have jobs? Careers? Do they need you to remind them of key calendar events? Your children’s birthdays? Seriously? This is selective amnesia at best (bc they know you won’t kick off if they forget so they do t bother to remember - it’s a CHOICE) and weaponised incompetence at worst. You get what you put up with.

It’s not resentment, it’s just matching effort. It’s freeing because you don’t have to think of ideas of what to get them, so you actually think about it less.

It’s funny how men not remembering birthdays is normalised here but when a woman matches lack of effort, she is labelled as a childish tit for tat.

For the people at the back who can't hear...Birthdays don't matter to many of us and it is absolutely normal and commonplace for people to forget them and is not in any way manner shape or form a reflection of how people feel about you.

All individuals are responsible for behaving like adults in their marriages and not behaving in tit for tat martyrdom and victimhood.