Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 31 32

Original poster

To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

795 replies

DoneWithThisShizzle · 12/08/2025 23:21

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

OP posts:

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:51

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:14

So, if he’s not done it before then it’s relevant that he hasn’t done it before but he has done it before so now whether he’s done it before isn’t relevant.

So, to be clear, it’s only relevant when it agrees with you and not when it doesn’t?

Show quote history

No, it’s only relevant when it’s frequently occurring. Twice over the course of many years is not frequently occurring.

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:51

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:14

So, if he’s not done it before then it’s relevant that he hasn’t done it before but he has done it before so now whether he’s done it before isn’t relevant.

So, to be clear, it’s only relevant when it agrees with you and not when it doesn’t?

Show quote history

No, it’s only relevant when it’s frequently occurring. Twice over the course of many years is not frequently occurring.

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:52

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:51

No, it’s only relevant when it’s frequently occurring. Twice over the course of many years is not frequently occurring.

Show quote history

That’s a great response except that you brought it up and made a big palaver over the word “never”.

You just keep changing those goalposts!

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:53

venusandmars · 13/08/2025 09:00

Happy birthday for tomorrow @DoneWithThisShizzle btw it's the same date as my exh's birthday - we're not been together for more than 30 years but somehow I can still remember!

My current dh once forgot our wedding anniversary. We don't usually do anything extravagant, but always a card. I had no inkling that he'd forgotten, and the evening before I asked if he wanted to do anything for our anniversary. "What anniversary?" Then he gasped, looked shocked, there was no hiding it. I said "you've got exactly 15 minutes to get to the supermarket and buy flowers and a card." He made it.

It is something we laugh about every year "the time that husband forgot the anniversary and couldn't deny that he'd forgotten"

This is lovely and the healthy response. Believe me, if he's forgotten, there'll be years of ribbing from me!

OP posts:

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:54

Ineedaweeinpeace · 13/08/2025 09:13

Did he remember?

I assume her birthday is tomorrow since she posted at nearly midnight and said it was in 24hrs.

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:58

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 09:06

She refuses to answer that question and so I am guessing that she has very deliberately said nothing in the hope that he'll forget. I also believe she's jealous of his attention to his mother and hoping to have a go at him for that.

Show quote history

Erm, what now?

OP posts:

Chickoletta · 13/08/2025 09:58

kleverklogs · 12/08/2025 23:31

What is the point of setting this trap for him?
If he has remembered - you have achieved nothing you wouldn’t have got anyway.
If he has forgotten - you have pretty much guaranteed yourself an argument on your birthday.

Just remind him and have a nice day tomorrow. Life is too short to go looking for fights with people we love.

Totally agree with this. Remind him somehow today so that he has time to sort something and enjoy your day tomorrow.

Meandmyguy · 13/08/2025 10:01

Why play silly games.

Just tell him ffs.

FlorenceAndTheSewingMachine · 13/08/2025 10:02

Ok this is really outing but hey ho I name change enough
When me and DH discussed marriage he said he wanted to do it on a memorable date so he wouldn't forget, I thought that was so sweet until he said 31st October.....
I said OK Halloween is memorable but not a special date, he said no it's the dogs birthday..........
Yes we did marry on that day.

Didimum · 13/08/2025 10:03

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 09:31

Molly coddling him, as in not giving him an easy time by reminding him it’s her birthday, and instead making him think for himself.

Show quote history

That’s not the meaning of molly coddling.

to treat someone with excessive care and attention, often to the point of pampering or spoiling them, and hindering their development.

Hercisback1 · 13/08/2025 10:03

I cannot imagine a marriage where you haven't said anything about it being your birthday. When party planning "that'll work well around my birthday the day before" or similar. Just in general conversation "oh sucks I have to work on my birthday as its on a Thursday". Really really don't understand how you have got to this point.

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 10:04

Cynic17 · 13/08/2025 09:16

OP, do you monitor him every time he comes into the house? Why would he need to ask what you want? He presumably knows you quite well!
I generally ignore my own birthday, but in 30+ years my husband has always given me a present, which he has sorted without the need for any drama or consultation (as I would do for him). It doesn't need to be signposted or discussed in advance.

This. Thank you.

OP posts:

Didimum · 13/08/2025 10:04

nomas · 13/08/2025 09:20

You're just proving my point, painting women as spiteful and men as hapless.

Show quote history

What has ‘women and men’ got to with anything? It’s just two individuals in a relationship.

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 10:07

Wishimaywishimight · 13/08/2025 09:15

These sorts of posts crop up regularly and I just don't understand how your birthday hasn't come up in conversation at all before now!

Surely there would be some sort of discussion on when / how you are going to celebrate eg DH would, at some point, say to me "do you want to do your birthday dinner on the day itself or leave it til the weekend?". Or "when are you meeting up with the girls for your birthday lunch?", that sort of thing.

Also, I know lots of people don't bother with cards these days but lots of older people still do - don't parents or other relatives ever send cards in the post that arrive in the preceding days?

Just seems really odd to me that it's not a part of general, day to day conversation. Like, bam, it's your birthday and there hasn't been mention of it at all until that exact day.

Some of us don't have a wide social circle or family members to nudge. I do have a husband who usually doesn't need reminding.

OP posts:

Didimum · 13/08/2025 10:07

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:35

See how you had to twist what I said because you had no direct response to it? That’s the proof you’re wrong.

Show quote history

The response is that your examples are irrelevant to this incident.

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 10:09

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:19

How is it ‘molly coddling’ to have a conversation ahead of time? That’s not the meaning of molly coddling.

Unless some other resentment in the relationship is building up, I genuinely don’t understand that description.

Show quote history

In relation to having to remind him. I usually don't as he's adult enough to remember on his own.

OP posts:

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 10:11

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:53

This is lovely and the healthy response. Believe me, if he's forgotten, there'll be years of ribbing from me!

Show quote history

You keep saying how funny you’re going to find it. But deep down would you not have a twinge of hurt when you realise he has forgotten? Would you not feel sad and let down and disappointed? I certainly would.

I’ve been with my husband for 30 years and we have never forgotten each other’s birthday. If he did, I would be hurt. We would not get divorced over it but I would be upset and would let my feelings be known. I wouldn’t turn into a joke and pretend I was fine, just to protect his feelings.

I believe our relationship is strong and long-lasting because we communicate how we feel. We don’t minimise our valid feelings of being upset.

BunnyLake · 13/08/2025 10:12

Didn’t someone once say communication is key to a happy relationship?

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 10:13

TroysMammy · 13/08/2025 09:28

I wouldn't say anything but would buy myself a cupcake and in the evening put a birthday candle in it and make a big show of blowing it out in front of him and eat the cup cake myself, no sharing.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

FenderStrat · 13/08/2025 10:14

The more time I spend on mumsnet, the more sorry I feel for men.

MaggiesShadow · 13/08/2025 10:15

@DoneWithThisShizzle You've fallen victim to the competitive 'I'm far too mature and busy to care about silly things like birthdays' Olympics on here, unfortunately.

My husband has never and would never forget my birthday, and vice versa. I'd be upset if he did. It's perfectly normal to want the person who is supposed to love you the most in the world to care about the ONE DAY out of 365 that's about you.

I personally wouldn't remind him because that's a whole, entire grown man who is capable of remembering. Yes, mistakes happen and if he's as good and decent as you say then he'll be apologetic and will make it up to you.

It will sting though, I'm sure. Happy birthday! I really hope he comes through.

Harrriet · 13/08/2025 10:16

This might have been already mentioned,sorry if it has. Would he have lumped your and his mother's birthday into one? You get a mentioned at her birthday celebration.

Didimum · 13/08/2025 10:17

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:39

I responded to your high-and-mighty blathering that “We understand that birthdays once a year and memory aren’t indicative of how much we love and care for each other on a daily basis.”

Nothing at all to do with vindictive suggestions or revenge. Just you acting like OP is being dramatic and, because you feel a certain way, she’s wrong to feel differently.

Your backtracking, twisting and trying to change your point whenever it suits you is exhausting. Far more drama than OP.

Show quote history

Yep, that was in response to someone else who had a vindictive suggestion for payback. Nothing to do with OP herself and I haven’t responded to OP with anything like that.

My response to OP was advice to have a conversation with him if he’s hurt her feelings ahead of time, if he’s otherwise a great partner. That’s been my only response to her.

Read up on the full context of the comments before you get aggy.

Gofaster2023 · 13/08/2025 10:18

Happy birthday eve! I hope you have a really good day when it comes, whether he remembers or not (and hopefully he does!)

Original poster

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 10:18

BoudiccaRuled · 13/08/2025 09:45

Feels deliberately antagonistic to not mention it. As though you actually WANT him to forget so you can have a blazing row.

No blazing row, but a lifetime of ribbing 😉

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 31 32

Swipe left for the next trending thread