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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

795 replies

DoneWithThisShizzle · 12/08/2025 23:21

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 09:32

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/08/2025 09:31

Posters are happy to support an OPs quest to find the perfect dress to the ends of the earth.

When it comes to relationship advice, there's a lot given to make the marriage worse.

There's an undercurrent of men/happy marriage hatred.

Show quote history

What ?????

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:35

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:29

You’re equating a good partner who has forgotten a birthday twice over the course of a long dating and marriage history with a guy who doesn’t do any housework and flirts with other women – to prove a point?

OK.

Show quote history

See how you had to twist what I said because you had no direct response to it? That’s the proof you’re wrong.

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:35

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 08:45

Happy Birthday OP!

This thread appears to be full to the brim with posters who don’t seem to understand that different people are different and we all have different love languages.

For some people, it’s the gift that matters, for some it’s spending time together on a special occasion, for some it’s knowing the other person put the effort in, for some it’s that their partner picks up chores (etc) so they don’t have to do boring tasks on their birthday…

Someone could get a book related to the field they work in, a pair of gorgeous shoes that they love in the wrong size and their DH make them breakfast in bed. Some women would love the book and some would hate it, some would prefer the breakfast to either gift, some would hate that the shoes are the wrong size because they feel that a caring partner knows their shoe size, others would be impressed that he knew the style of shoe she likes.

Personally, for me, it would be really hurtful if DH forgot my birthday. Me reminding him doesn’t make it in any way less hurtful. He didn’t forget any less because I told him! The suggestions to remind him so OP can have a nice day is absolutely ridiculous to me - why would it be nice when she’s had to remind him? OP feels loved, not by being given gifts or taken for lunch but, by her DH caring enough and considering her enough not to forget in the first place.

Telling him means that OP is robbed of the opportunity to discuss his failure and his poor behaviour. She has to deal with the hurt of him forgetting while also having to act like it’s not a problem because he remembered in time (because he was told).

Thank you. It's the reminding that takes the shine off. Some posters seem to think I'm doing it for the drama but that's not the case. I will be upset, naturally I believe, but I wouldn't be going down his throat or it for that "forgetting" his. Remembering each other's birthdays is part of our shared love language and that is why I'm baffled at his forgetting.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:36

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:05

  1. She can’t be hurt until it’s happened.
  2. I didn’t mention being vindictive. I mentioned being allowed to be upset and express that.
Show quote history

Sure but you commented on a set of conversations about why it’s problematic to deliberately ignore her DH’s next birthday.

Abracadabra12 · 13/08/2025 09:36

DoneWithThisShizzle · 12/08/2025 23:47

Oh, I couldn't do that, as tempting as it sounds!

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Why not?

Nottodaythankyou123 · 13/08/2025 09:36

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 09:25

I’ve got news for you, your grenade didn’t make any sense, and l’m by no means the only poster who has taken issue with the way you’re posting. The only venom dripping from the screen is that of your projection of your own experience onto OP and the awful advice you’re giving her as a result. You’re painting the OP as spiteful and heading for an unhappy marriage when that’s clearly not the case. So if my pointing that out made you laugh then you clearly misunderstood.

Edited
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That poster is so defensive, I can’t help but think the “I’m so cool, I don’t care about birthdays, who even cares, stop being a martyr” is just a defence mechanism. It’s the only explanation for the many vitriolic posts. The lady doth protest too much!

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 09:36

I would be very hurt if my husband forgot. For all the bravado people show, I imagine deep down they feel sad to have their spouse forget their birthday.

Cynic17 · 13/08/2025 09:37

OP, as I understand it, your birthday isn't until tomorrow. So he hasn't "forgotten" because it hasn't happened yet! How do you know that a huge bunch of flowers ( or whatever) won't be delivered..... tomorrow?

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:38

WellIquitelikesprouts · 13/08/2025 08:49

Honestly he sounds great. Anyone can make a mistake especially as we all get older. It’s not just menopausal women who get brain fog occasionally.

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He is great, but my menopausal brain fog hasn't forgotten his, so far 😂

OP posts:
Oldglasses · 13/08/2025 09:39

I don't understand this either.
DH and I discuss our bdays weeks in advance - anything you want for your bday, or what do you want to do for your bday. Neither of us has ever forgotten and we've been together over 30 years. I did remind my (adult) son though when I spoke to him this week -I said - jokingly 'still got a couple of days to send a card first class...;

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:39

Didimum · 13/08/2025 09:36

Sure but you commented on a set of conversations about why it’s problematic to deliberately ignore her DH’s next birthday.

Show quote history

I responded to your high-and-mighty blathering that “We understand that birthdays once a year and memory aren’t indicative of how much we love and care for each other on a daily basis.”

Nothing at all to do with vindictive suggestions or revenge. Just you acting like OP is being dramatic and, because you feel a certain way, she’s wrong to feel differently.

Your backtracking, twisting and trying to change your point whenever it suits you is exhausting. Far more drama than OP.

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 09:40

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 08:27

She doesn't need to remind him at all - only if she wants a big fuss made, which she does. Many of us, women included, don't give a flying fuck about birthdays and are in the habit of forgetting them for nearly everyone.

OP needs to remind ANYONE that she hopes will remember it's her birthday, because it is a normal, commonplace thing to remind people about something you think is incredibly important

Instead, she has deliberately gone out of her way to say absolutely nothing in the hope that he will forget so she can throw a strop and play the martyr.

Her behaviour is that of childish oneupmanship and an attempt to trick him so she can feel victimised, and she will only hurt herself.

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I am sorry for you that your bar is so low.

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 09:42

harriethoyle · 13/08/2025 08:35

Mumusnet is SO weird about birthdays @DoneWithThisShizzle . People clamouring to race to the bottom for their partners not giving enough of a shit to remember their birthday and holding it up as an example of a functioning relationship to aspire to 🙄

FWIW, I think your DH remembering and marking your birthday is the bare minimum from a loving partner. I wouldn’t remind him and I’d let him feel crap in the hope and expectation he wouldn’t do it again…

Agree completely.

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:44

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 08:56

Nah, this thread shows that normal adult and stable people are capable of saying "hey it's my birthday next week, got anything planned yet?" to a person who is described as loving and thoughtful and who is otherwise a great partner.

Show quote history

My husband is kind and thoughtful and loving and usually doesn't need reminding it's my birthday. Kind of the point of my post, if you read it.

OP posts:
BadActingParsley · 13/08/2025 09:44

I'd remind him - just because you'll have a nicer day, both of you. Why set yourself up for a bad day for the want of a - "shall we have something nice for tea tomorrow as it's my birthday?" or even just "have you remembered my birthday tomorrow?". ??

I remind my husband - and remind him that I'd like a card and some flower and a pressie. This is partly because that's what I'd like, but also because his father never buys his mother a present (not in 60 years of happy marriage) - she'd love one but he just doesn't do it. So it's a bit alien to my husband still.

FreebieWallopFridge · 13/08/2025 09:45

If I had to remind my husband about my birthday the net result is the same as if I find out on my birthday that he’s forgotten: i.e. I feel shit because he doesn’t care enough to remember.

BoudiccaRuled · 13/08/2025 09:45

Feels deliberately antagonistic to not mention it. As though you actually WANT him to forget so you can have a blazing row.

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:46

FreebieWallopFridge · 13/08/2025 09:45

If I had to remind my husband about my birthday the net result is the same as if I find out on my birthday that he’s forgotten: i.e. I feel shit because he doesn’t care enough to remember.

Exactly!

People are trying very hard not to understand this very basic concept.

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:47

gannett · 13/08/2025 08:59

I once forgot DP's birthday. I hadn't forgotten that the birthday was imminent, I was just mistaken about the date - I went through the entire day thinking it was the 16th of the month when it was actually the 19th (his birthday) already. I'd already booked his birthday meal for the following weekend, but just went through the entire day without saying happy birthday to him. By the evening he tried to give me a Hard Stare about it but couldn't because he was laughing at my absent-mindedness (and consequent mortification) too much.

People forget things. It happens. Must say the OP's situation does seem quite unusual because it's not a case of "my awful husband forgets every year" and the proximity to his mother's birthday means that it's less likely to have just slipped his mind. (I assume the previous incident of forgetting the OP's birthday was because he hadn't yet internalised when it was, as it was early in their relationship.)

BINGO! This is exactly it. Yeah, I'll be a bit hurt if he has forgotten but it won't be grounds for divorce. Probably just a regular ribbing for the rest of his life 😂

OP posts:
ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 09:48

BoudiccaRuled · 13/08/2025 09:45

Feels deliberately antagonistic to not mention it. As though you actually WANT him to forget so you can have a blazing row.

Reminding him doesn’t mean that he hasn’t forgotten though, does it?

Norwegianwood35 · 13/08/2025 09:48

I wouldn’t be reminding him, it’s not your job to remind him, he is a grown ass man and is able to think for himself.

My ex would forget about my birthday, but I would never say anything to him about it, I would be hurt but I never said anything to him, I didn’t create an atmosphere.
I remember one time someone asked me what he got me for my birthday, I said nothing and he was so embarrassed and ask me why I said that, I replied “because it was the truth, you never even wished me happy birthday, I’m not lying for you”. The arsehole stonewalled me for days after that.

Thank goodness he is an ex.

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 09:49

WillyWonkasPurpleHat · 13/08/2025 09:00

You are going to be so sick of all the "birthday wishes" posts today by the time your actual birthday comes around tomorrow OP 😁

Not at all. It's actually why I posted because I can't get enough 😉😂

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 13/08/2025 09:50

LadyTable · 12/08/2025 23:45

Christ I'd hate to be in a marriage like this.

DH and I often forget certain dates and have to be reminded and yes, sometimes that includes birthdays and anniversaries!

"Oi Dave" or "Oi Jan" "Remember it's my birthday next Wednesday."

"Oh bollocks, shit, fuck! Thanks for reminding me".

No drama and no silly games 🤷‍♀️

25 years of marriage and this still works for us.

That would be my preferred dynamic. No games, no pa behaviour, no wondering, no sulking. Direct communication as the default. Well done, no wonder you have a good long marriage.

FreebieWallopFridge · 13/08/2025 09:50

BoudiccaRuled · 13/08/2025 09:45

Feels deliberately antagonistic to not mention it. As though you actually WANT him to forget so you can have a blazing row.

If OP has to remind him he’s already forgotten….

Inertia · 13/08/2025 09:51

I hope he has remembered and has a lovely surprise planned for you. Happy birthday for tomorrow.

I think that if I were me, I would frame it a bit differently from a reminder because you suspect he’s forgotten. I would check in with him this morning about whether anything needs organising / completing before MIL’s party, as you want everything sorted today so you and DH can both relax and enjoy celebrating your own birthday tomorrow.

i absolutely agree that it is his responsibility to remember your birthday tomorrow, and setting the expectation that you expect him to be available indicates that you trust he has remembered.