To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

And wow again. You’ve posted several times essentially relating and projecting the story of your parents marriage onto OP and advising her that hers will end the same way if she doesn’t remind her husband about her birthday. And this is despite the fact that you yourself said forgetting the birthday was the final nail in your parents unhappy marriage. It’s not the same situation at all.

These sorts of posts crop up regularly and I just don't understand how your birthday hasn't come up in conversation at all before now!

Surely there would be some sort of discussion on when / how you are going to celebrate eg DH would, at some point, say to me "do you want to do your birthday dinner on the day itself or leave it til the weekend?". Or "when are you meeting up with the girls for your birthday lunch?", that sort of thing.

Also, I know lots of people don't bother with cards these days but lots of older people still do - don't parents or other relatives ever send cards in the post that arrive in the preceding days?

Just seems really odd to me that it's not a part of general, day to day conversation. Like, bam, it's your birthday and there hasn't been mention of it at all until that exact day.

Truly I have rarely seen a weirder attempt to normalise throwing a martyred tantrum or seen anyone attempting to be more bizarrely dramatic over a total nothingburger.

It is NOT a sin to forget someone's birthday.

It happens all the time and is a commonplace thing.

He is a good husband according to the OP.

Plotting to martyr yourself instead of just communicating with the person you are supposed to love and be with for the rest of your life is, therefore, bizarre and unhelpful at best. And cheering her on while adding nonsense that is irrelevant to the story is frankly unhinged.

You have literally mentioned the word martyr in every one of your many, many posts - despite no actual evidence she’s doing that at all.

Expecting a small acknowledgment on your birthday isn’t wanting a big fuss ffs 😅

OP, do you monitor him every time he comes into the house? Why would he need to ask what you want? He presumably knows you quite well!
I generally ignore my own birthday, but in 30+ years my husband has always given me a present, which he has sorted without the need for any drama or consultation (as I would do for him). It doesn't need to be signposted or discussed in advance.

That's an abusive relationship though, nothing like OP's.

Wasn’t meant to be spiteful at all - the poster is projecting her own experience of her parents’ unhappy marriage onto OP and it’s colouring her judgement.

🤣🤣🤣 that's the kind of advice 've been waiting for!

How is it ‘molly coddling’ to have a conversation ahead of time? That’s not the meaning of molly coddling.

Unless some other resentment in the relationship is building up, I genuinely don’t understand that description.

Happy Birthday OP 💐 🎂 Whatever happens I hope you have a lovely day!

You're just proving my point, painting women as spiteful and men as hapless.

I always forget birthdays. Luckily my DH has no problem reminding me.

Happy Birthday! 🥳
Mine is terrible at secrets too! Twin husbands!

Why can’t you put a reminder in a calendar?

I’ve got news for you, your grenade didn’t make any sense, and l’m by no means the only poster who has taken issue with the way you’re posting. The only venom dripping from the screen is that of your projection of your own experience onto OP and the awful advice you’re giving her as a result. You’re painting the OP as spiteful and heading for an unhappy marriage when that’s clearly not the case. So if my pointing that out made you laugh then you clearly misunderstood.

I NEVER discuss my birthday, because it's not important. The thought of talking about it for a week is unimaginable. For the last few years, it has clashed with an event, so I've been away from home, and so able to ignore it completely.

I don't understand adults who feel the need to go on about their own birthdays, as if they were 8 years old, but hey...... we're not all the same.

The tit-for-tat strategy relies entirely on the other person feeling the same way you do, so that they’re hurt in the way you’ve been hurt. But if they’re not that bothered, they won’t be.

The problem with this is that it sets precisely the precedent that the OP doesn’t want. Because it gives the other person a solid reason to say, “Well, we don’t do birthdays any more, do we? Neither of us did anything much last year.”

Also, of course, it’s a really immature way of trying to make your point, rather than - you know - talking.

Quite often in a marriage people ascribe different levels of importance to things - and birthdays are a good example. (Not necessarily in this case, given the effort put into the mum’s birthday.) Nothing gets resolved by the person to whom it matters behaving as if it doesn’t matter in the hope that that’ll make it matter to the other.

You just have to say, “I know birthdays are not a big deal to you, but they are to me - so please try to do something special, just because I’d love you to.”

After that, it’s all down to how your marriage works.

I'm of the consensus that you shouldn't remind him, unless there is something serious which will have thrown him off track, then it is up to him as an adult to remember your birthday, I had an ex boyfriend who would never remember (even when I reminded him in the weeks before) then get annoyed at me for 'not reminding him enough', I never made a big deal of it, but when he saw me doing things with others on my birthday or receiving cards and gifts he would get really mardy.. I can't tolerate such lack of care or respect to be honest, which is what it boils down to.

Surely with it being the day before his mums birthday (which he very much knows about as he is planning a party) he wouldn't forget?

I hope he hasn't and he's just quietly prepared something, happy birthday for tomorrow OP!

Having to remind him though is taking on more of the 'wifework' that we're all trying to avoid? I would talk about it in the month leading up to it, but go very silent on the subject for a couple of weeks beforehand. That way he knows it's coming but you're not badgering. Plus having it in very large print on a calendar very visibly displayed...

I like my birthdays. I have little enough chance to be celebrated as a person and so it's nice as an opportunity to remind people of my glory! Happy birthday, OP, I hope you have a great day.

I wouldn't say anything but would buy myself a cupcake and in the evening put a birthday candle in it and make a big show of blowing it out in front of him and eat the cup cake myself, no sharing.

You’re equating a good partner who has forgotten a birthday twice over the course of a long dating and marriage history with a guy who doesn’t do any housework and flirts with other women – to prove a point?

OK.

Sorry by sharing my pettiness I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday 🎂

Posters are happy to support an OPs quest to find the perfect dress to the ends of the earth.

When it comes to relationship advice, there's a lot given to make the marriage worse.

There's an undercurrent of men/happy marriage hatred.

Molly coddling him, as in not giving him an easy time by reminding him it’s her birthday, and instead making him think for himself.

I'm not sure what you wanting from this. You don't seem to want suggestions or commiserations that your husband sounds like he's being useless.