To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Why? Does that make it better?

A: No, it doesn't

Just read the update of his comments, If I worked with him I would be raising hell if he said those things to me or a team member. I work in a mainky male dominated field and this is certainly not the norm or high jinx or banter or whatever excuse he is giving.
And also, does he behave like this around other women in your life, friends etc because why is he targeting women at work if he doesnt.

Yeah it’s not about him losing his job twice. That can happen and if for different reasons would be okay.

its about him holding vile and unacceptable views on women.

im sorry you’re married to someone like that and I hope you get out

Oh god, get rid. He must be an utter sex pest. How degrading to the women he's harassing and so disrespectful to you. I couldn't come back from that at all.

@Joness2, your husband doesn’t seem
to comprehend that his comments are not banter… they are sexual harassment.

So.. you are married to a man who sexually harasses other women… and takes no responsibility for his actions. Even worse, he expects you to back him.

Seems to me that you should be making plans to leave, irrespective of whether he keeps his job or not.

He's cringe and sleazy.

He's pig that thinks it is funny to sexually harass and humiliate his female colleagues. Funny how he doesn't have bants that go too far with other men, isn't it? I'd make plans to leave, OP, he is going to keep doing this and it won't be the last time he loses his job for being a sexist, creepy arsehole.

So he's not even acknowledging that he sexually harnessed several women?

What on earth will he say to your kids hwne he is older. Tells boys she was asking for it. Tell girls that their skirts to short and deserve to be raped?

If they dont sack him i hope to hell they send him on squall harressement in the workplace type course.

What an awful thing to be sacked for potentially twice!
I don’t blame you OP not only is he letting his family down, he sounds like a drunken letch. Revolting.

The job is a red herring. You are married to a misogynistic, aggressive sex pest. That’s what you
need to worry about far more than the job.

I think people like him very often start with workplace jokes and end up facing criminal charges for their behaviour.

OH god, another low man. There's a woman here whose home has just been visited by the police because of her husband's behaviour towards a neighbour. He too has previous form.

Rock solid contraception. You don't want another tie to him.

You probably ARE in shock. Keep in mind that you don't have to make a firm plan (or even a decision if you're not ready) today and you don't have to tell him what you plan to do even if you know. You don't have to decide how to handle the DC, the house, etc. immediately either. And for now, YANBU at all to ask him to give you some space, including going and staying somewhere else to let you clear your head.

I'd say there was a small chance that he'd have been let off with a formal warning/probation in the first case - not that he SHOULD have been, but perhaps if he had little work experience, promised to get help with his alcohol problem, and argued that his wildly inappropriate comment was not intentionally sexist as he'd have said the same to an incompetent male colleague reporting to a woman (ignoring the difference in cultural context there). In the second case, no way! Those comments are vile and discriminatory under any circumstances and a reputable company (even one that's pretty male-dominated/not particularly sensitive toward misogyny) probably isn't going to risk keeping someone on staff that (1) is stupid and reckless enough to say them publicly at all and (2) makes no effort to even pretend to understand the issues and therefore is likely to repeat the behaviour.

Erm, my ex would talk his way out of jobs and contracts on a six monthly basis on average over the 8yrs we were together. He initially managed to hold a job down for the first 3yrs we were together, but after that it became a vicious shorter cycle. With him also getting into more and more debt, to the point any money he earned went on his debts and not towards household bills. In the end, he became financially reliant on me and I kicked him out. I initially didn't end the relationship because of pressure from my family and friends. Something I regret now x so I would leave sooner rather than later

I worked in HR for a long time, and dealt with a few individuals like your husband. Usually, the got away with it for ages before someone actually reported them - either because they were fed up of the sexual harassment, or because the perpetrator either escalated or harassed someone who was having none of it.
That poor woman at her first face to face in her new company.
I think he's massively underestimating the seriousness of his actions and the potential consequences.
It has to be your decision what you do, but I don't think I could stay - he sounds vile.

As a woman who has worked in a really male dominated industry, I'll say that there are banter comments, between males and females in work environments, and some go above and beyond normal, or appropriate- and even then, many times women feel that they've "welcomed" it, and feel shame, guilt and uneasiness, and never, ever report it.

With that in mind, I want you to please consider, this will have more than likely happened repeatedly until its became so uncomfortable for the woman reporting that she felt she had no other choice.

Again, male dominated industry, lots of banter, and only one man who's made me feel uncomfortable. In the middle of the day he started to make comments about going into the toilet for a quickie, and I kind of said to his supervisor who was a mate- PLEASE don't have him here on any out of hours shifts! He said this! And I kept my distance as much as I could, but he was tied into one of our jobs.
It was then brought up that what he said to me had been raised with someone who then took it to HR, who wasn't even involved with me, but because he was there as a representative of the company. I remember saying that I felt maybe he had just taken a bit of banter strangely and I didn't want to cause trouble for him... within a year he was gone, only one person came forward, but there were 6 or 7 people he had been inappropriate with. In the end, it was actually one of the males that went to HR about his inappropriate comments to him.

But more than losing his job, it's the fact that he isn't trustworthy or a "safe" man to have around, and actually being in a relationship with him is like vouching for his character to other women around. For example, anyone sees him around and needs help, ah that's so and sos husband! She's lovely, of course she wouldn't be married to a lecherous oaf, so they ask for help, or go and talk to him and well... he doesn't see much wrong with making these comments, the disrespect to other women, or yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Imagine being married to the office creep. We had one and felt sorry for the wife. I wouldn't give a shit if he were drunk. That lowers inhibitions. This is what he really feels about women. Likely including you. I hope you don't have a daughter.

Jesus christ this is bad. And he thinks it was just "high jinks"?

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg with his suggestive comments - hence someone reporting him.

Look, obviously he will always get fired from jobs because his need to make sexual and insulting comments to women and/or need to drink is greater than his need to be employed. So yeah he might get away with this one with a warning etc. but you will know that another incident will be coming at you soon.

That aside, honestly, how can you bear to be with him. He hates women and sees them as sexual objects. Of course you don't have to leave tonight but seriously take a good look at him and you and decide if this is how you want to live and this is who you want to live with.

In a few years he'll be perving over your children's teenage female friends - guarantee it.

Yuck, he sounds vile. Had he ever made any comments to your friends or family Op?

My DP has a diagnosis of ADHD. Before his diagnosis we had a few occasions of him jumping before he was pushed when his employers began to lose patience with his lack of executive functioning and the impact this had on his work. It was incredibly worrying regarding the mortgage etc. and I'll admit I seriously considered leaving after the problem repeated itself a couple of times in new jobs. I didn't, but I wouldn't have blamed myself if I had, you know?

Your situation is so much worse - if I considered leaving because my DP was (to the outside observer, before we realised it was down to ND) incompetent in the world of work, I can't imagine how I would have reacted if he was repeatedly jeopardising our financial security for the sake of sleazing onto female colleagues.

your husband is disgusting, I don’t think any of his comments are excusable. Even men would find that these comments are too far.

No way should you be supportive of a sexual harasser. He's a creep and he deserves to be dumped. It's his own fault he loses jobs, so he has to take the consequences of his actions. Don't believe his promises either. He's looking for action on the side if he is making sexually charged comments to other women. This guy is a whole truckload of ick.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not that simple. Especially not with a child in tow. Unless you’re lucky enough to have family who can take you in or plenty of money, these things take careful planning.

I remember another post very similar to yours OP although the OP blames the victims and if I remember right called them dramatic while defending the husband. I will say now what I said then. If it goes into disciplinary then a lot more happened. And people talk. They alawys do. He will be known as the creep of the office and you will be pittied. People will say, "his poor wife". I would be so ashamed. Don't do this to yourself OP, don't leave for losing his job leave for his attitude towards women. Immagine your daughter having to work alongside men like that, on the edge all the time as there is a creep who is sexually harassing her.

That's even worse than I assumed when I saw your first post. Utterly vile.
He obviously hates women and lusts after them at the same time. He also wants to cheat on you and don't be too sure he hasn't.