To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

YANBU it really is about time DH grew up and take his family responsibilities seriously.
I wouldn't blame you for leaving him tbh

Yes, I know - if you read on, I'm not exactly sympathetic. However, some people - men and women - do engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when under massive duress, and he has already learned that this one lands him in hot water. He has already learned how to throw everything on the pyre and could be doing it again. That said, on balance, I don't think it's a cry for help either. I think he's likely a dickhead and I think therapy is a suitable punishment if the OP doesn't want to leave him just yet.

I think it's more likely that he hasn't changed his ways because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He probably thinks that women enjoy his attentions and any that don't 'have no sense of humour'. I've met many men like that at work.

Yuck. I’d leave because the comments made to young women is concerning. Let alone the job situation. Is he this vile to women all the time, or does he need a drink first?

I have never heard the term chaos maker but it fits my exH perfectly. He couldn’t hang onto a job for more than a few months. Nothing to do with other women, if he didn’t like it he engineered a situation and left (usually before being dismissed). He did this when I was on maternity and just after we moved. I was only married to him 2.5 years. Whirlwind romance, I didn’t know what he was like. The humiliation and financial strain was dreadful. Please leave

Why don't you ask your partner to see the letter and findings of the investigation? You don't have to believe anything verbal he has told you and form your own opinion.

Why he is being sacked is why i would divorce him thays gross

Having more time off work isn't an issue really it is a mothers job to raise the child when a man is working. My other half is self employed so had to work regardless 😂 didn't bother me. But the comments to other females is disgusting I'd be leaving him

He's a perv!

Leave. He's one comment away from sex with another colleague. Don't enable him to use you.

If these are the things he got caught for, I imagine it’s just the tip of the iceberg with other comments he makes and the way he sees women. If it was redundancy or a work related mistake I would stick by him. But this? I’d definitely divorce.

How much has he had to drink when he comes out with these awful comments and has he done it in front of you or his family ever?
Id forgive him once, as you have done. Unless he’s prepared to go to counselling and work out why he is being such a knob, I think I’d go for a trial separation and see if a bit of time on his own puts some manners on him.
Good luck.

Although it would t be the job losing that’s my issue it be the fact that he sounds like a letch that would be my issue.

How awful for you OP.

Also I wouldn’t be so confident that he’ll walk away from this with a slap on the wrist. It depends entirely on the interventions the company has put in place to prevent behaviour like this. Last year the government introduced a new duty to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace. As a result, many organisations strengthened their sexual harassment policies, communicated their zero tolerance approach, delivered training, etc.

If the company has been proactive / compliant in this space then they have a strong case to take the appropriate disciplinary action.

In my workplace for example I would expect this behaviour to result in dismissal but context is key.

I bet everyone at work thinks he's a complete twat.

These won't be isolated incidents. I imagine his general behaviour in the workplace is dodgy as well.

I would also say in most reputable companies now, you husbands actions would be classed as gross misconduct and he would be sacked. Doesn't matter if it was off the premises and not an official work event.

Eww i would leave him anyway!!! He sounds like a pervy creep making inappropriate remarks to women!!! Once would be bad enough but to get dismissed TWICE for it is actually disgusting!!! Why would you stay with him knowing this? He deserves to get sacked and you should leave him!

He is being completely unreasonable to expect you to support him when he has said some "vile comments" sufficient to get him on disciplinary action.
I hope he will apologise, even grovel, to save his job and reflect long and hard on his behaviour after this second incident
I agree, you probably aren't in a good position to leave if this has come out of the blue, but you should start planning and preparing for the likely next time.
And he needs to see a therapist to confront his attitude to women before he does indeed lose his family.

It is inappropriate to speak that way to women, even when one has a drink. He just reveals what he really thinks of women and according to him they are not good for managers nor nothing but just for his dick. Why are you married to this man? He is all over other women in his mind.

He’s got a few drinks down him and he is no longer able to mask his misogyny. He has a very backward view of things.

He’s slagging off managers saying they only got their job as they must be an awesome shag. Then he’s commenting on collleagues arses.

Modern men don’t behave like this. They are used to women being managers and above.

Basically your DH has deep rooted issues with women and thinks their place is below men or under them.

He’s a twat and on top of that he is an unreliable weight around your neck.

Quite frankly you’ve picked yourself a bellend. Get rid.

Sorry OP but this is more than getting sacked, this is disgraceful behaviour towards women. He’s also disrespecting you as well as causing you anxiety. Once could be a terrible drunken mistake, I’m saying could be because alcohol just reduces your judgement and doesn’t change your values. Twice is a pattern, a problem and I could not stay.

I totally agree with this. This is way way way worse than he is letting on. I have seen a lot worse happen and no complaints.
He must be unbelievably bad for him to be previously fired and now another complaint. Think of all the women that didn’t complain. There must be loads. I’m sorry to say.

Ick. You deserve better.

So, the first time, he spins you a tale that he was drunk, shouldn't have said it, but the woman WAS incompetent and vile, and sleeping with the boss, and he only said what everyone else thought, and he only got sacked because she influenced the hearing.
And you think, OK, I really wish he hadn't said it and lost his job, but it was a one off, he was drunk, and he'll find another job.
Now this time his tales don't land so easily, and you know deep down he's a misogynist creep, but, think it might not be the end of the world, as long as he keeps his job and doesn't ever do it again.
Then he'll lose this job, because no doubt another hearing will be biased against him. And you'll think, well that is a disaster, but at least if I stay with him I won't have the hassle and upset of leaving, and he might get another job and maybe not do it again.
And bit by bit you accept more and more, and settle for less and less, and your bar gets lower. Think about what you've already compromised and when you're going to say enough is enough.

Op I am sorry you are in this position i think you posted about this the first time. It’s not about him losing his second job i went through a phase of being made redundant numerous times through no fault of my own it’s the reason he’s losing his job. I work in an office mix of male and female where it’s lighthearted there is jokes / banter but his comments are awful and there is no way they can be seen as a mis judged jokes and the fact he has already been dismissed for the same thing means he hasn’t learned from it and is minimising what he’s said

i would cut my losses and leave for you own mental well being you don’t need the stress you and dc need financial security what is to say he won’t do it again in his next job as he doesn’t seem to think he has said anything wrong