To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Oh and, given the comments & reasons why he was dismissed, likely, should he claim Universal Credit (UC), the Decision Maker will agree that he lost his job through gross misconduct (which could have been avoided by not making insulting sexual comments about colleagues) & will sanction his claim for 91 days - eg: no UC for 3 months.

I wouldn’t be leaving him over him losing his job but because he’s an utter sleaze.

How misogynistic of him and have so little respect for you.

Absolutely awful behaviour from your "husband"

His comments are sexist, degrading to women and disrespectful of both women and of his wife. They put his family's welfare in jeopardy. PLEASE don't think you need to support this.

So sad and also very immature he didnt learn from the first time. Unless he has some sort of tourettes when drunk this is concerning.

What does he have to say about it, can he remember it, is he generally sleazy? Xx

How old is your husband?

It sounds like he thinks he's in the pub with his drunken mates rather than in the workplace. He needs to get his mind out of the gutter.

I think this decision should be less about the job situations (though that is obviously a concern) and more about the fact that he's clearly a misogynist who seems to repeatedly harass his female co-workers?

When someone shows you who they are- believe them.

You want a lawyer with expertise in this area. His earning capacity if he loses this job will probably be diminished which may affect the division of assets on divorce. So you may have a financial interest in him keeping the job or resigning to avoid dismissal.

It’s a horrible situation which maybe in hindsight you should have gotten out of 3 years ago after the first hateful misogynistic comment. You stayed which, in all fairness to him, was probably a green light to think and act that way towards women

it’s bad enough to think that way - totally vile and huge red flag- but to say it out loud. Imagine the poor woman it was directed to. Her first time meeting the team in real life. Just awful.

he’s a bully and I doubt it’ll be just a telling off. If I was the lady in question or the manager, I’d be threatening legal action if the company didn’t sack him. It’s Gross Misconduct. Immediately sackable offence. And rightly so.

you deserve better. It’s so difficult with children and finances but it’s doable. Complete change of expectations and way of life but the freedom to not be tied to a disgusting excuse of a human being.

wish you and your family the best

Oh my god OP. Did he escape from Jurassic Park? Never mind the finances, the comments alone would make him untouchable (in every sense) by the vast majority of women.

Drunk words are sober thoughts. Start working on your exit plan.

Put that man in the bin.

I’d have the ick if I stayed with him.

You should leave him, not only for the sake of yourself and your family but for the sake of the women he is treating so appallingly at work.
He’s beyond the pale.

A cry for help? That's rather a stretch!

He is gross and it’s unlikely he will get off with a warning. I’m an employer and I had an employee who did something similar and I sacked him for gross misconduct as his contract clearly outlines the behaviour expected of him both at work and when he is representing work in a social situation. The women he was making inappropriate comments to no longer felt comfortable being in the same office as him and I had a duty to my other employees to act on this. It’s shocking he learnt nothing from last time, he obviously shouldn’t drink and should not be put in a social situation with work colleagues or actually anyone, does he harass other females in your life?

She's had this dropped on her like a ton of bricks, her emotional state will not be great.
OP will be considering her emotional, financial and parental concerns as well as the prospect of homelessness if she doesn't plan accordingly. This could potentially be the end of her marriage and your concern is how she's currently worrying about all this? That's a lot to take in...... No doubt her first concern is her family, and the OP has expressed disgust at the comments, so is aware of how unhealthy this is towards others . Talk about kicking someone when they are down....

Why are you making excuses for him. Once is a mistake twice is just so wrong.

I think i would wait and see how it pans out. It it was very bad and there is lots of evidence he will be dismissed. If its not so bad - warning. But whilst you are waiting I personally would start getting ready for going your seperate ways (eg seek legal advice on the quiet, ensure you have access to separate finances etc), sort out support network ready for kicking him out (you have the kids to look after and house). tt is concerning as to what he is saying to women at work and how bad this inappropriate behavriour may be but find out more and use the time to prepare an exit plan in case needed - you can always change your mind and stay. The other thing is that he could seek help for his behaviour - this would be a positive step towards change

Good lord. I worked in the City in the 80s and this is the sort of crap that we dealt with on a daily basis. The world has moved on. Why hasn’t he?

Given he didn't learn his lesson the first time OP, and sounds like a total creep I'd personally bin him off.

“AiBU leave my dirty dog partner that can’t keep his comments to himself about women”

No, you are not. Leave asap.

This. Whether he loses his job or not.

He is a sleaze and won't change . Having had a lucky escape In resigning you think you would do absolutely everything in ihs power to make sure he didn't do anything that threatens his job, his marriage. Interesting that he said he wouldn't drink not that he wouldn't say anything inappropriate. I don't think you'll ever really relax now and we'll wait for him to do it again and he will. Saying your a team is an absolute cheek suggesting that you should back him no matter what. He's completely minimising things that have happened which are a threat to your livelihood , security, marriage, let alone intimidating for the women involved .
As you're not in any danger from him I don't think you need to necessarily act immediately and can take your time to work out finances and anything else you need .Get sorted before you ask him to leave If that's the decision you go with.

For God's sake leave this man. He is revolting and doesn't learn from his mistakes. Is he Greg Wallace?