To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

She's right, in some cases it can be done.

My friend got a mortgage on a shared ownership flat secured by her UC claim. She has a disability and it's considered a secure income for life - can't say that for a job. She also gets the rent covered and a host of other stuff but this is derail territory so I'll leave it there.

A mortgage, 4-5 holidays a year (including during school holidays), regular beautician trips and spa weekends.

Come on now….

I think if you tolerate him making sexualised and suggestive comments towards other women - you can’t be surprised if the next step is acting out on these. You surely have to leave him - he’s vile!

So he’s that sleazy married co worker that tries it on with all the female staff. Ew. I’d leave for that reason alone. What a catch eh?

So he's been as good as sacked - not once but twice - for sexually harassing women. This isn't going to be fixed by not having nights out, he's just a trash human being with no respect for women. Leave and never look back.

Ew, think I would have left the first time round he ended up in a disciplinary for being inappropriate. A second time round? definitely bye bye

He sounds like a creep tbh

I was feeling supportive of him (because bosses can be bullies) until you mentioned the reasons for the disciplinary procedures. This is totally on him. You would be well within your rights to leave him, but it’s up to you at the end of the day.

I'd have left him after the first time tbh, he sounds like a total idiot

I would be interested in what exactly happened. Not what he claimed happened. Is he bring a union rep to the meeting, if not I would be asking to accompany him to find out the truth.

His comments are awful, you need to leave this man regardless of whether he manages to cling on to his job or not.

No sorry, not the holidays and other stuff. I've no idea how that kind of thing happens. I expect there's something else going on with those types.

My friend is disabled and the mortgage company accept UC as income replacement. She will always qualify for disability, so they see it as a secure and guaranteed income to use for her affordability check.

Hers is a very specific circumstance but it can happen. With shared ownership you can often buy as little as 25% of the property. We're in the North East. It's not as expensive as other areas, so you don't need to borrow much.

@Joness2 It's only been a few months since companies have been obliged to write and implement policies, specifically to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace. With short service, I personally think he's deluded if he thinks this will be a slap on the wrist.

I made an account just to comment on this.

I was the woman that stayed. I even married him. Had two babies by him. Multiple jobs and a decade later he became abusive. He r#ped me when I was postpartum with the second. Then in 2021 I asked for a divorce after he lost two jobs in 8 months because of the same behaviour as your husband (as far as he told me.) in early 2022 he attacked me and was arrested.

A week later I found out that he had recently (without my knowledge) been convicted of sexually assaulting one of the women he managed in one of the jobs he lost. He is still on the register.

My personal opinion, drop him. BUT, do so in a very careful and coordinated way. Plan, plan, plan. The divorce took two years and the family court proceedings are still going 3.5 years later. Tell a close friend/family member what he has done now (these men thrive on secrecy) and see if you can get evidence of his behaviour as it makes life easier should you ever end up in a situation like mine. Document everything and ensure important documents are kept elsewhere. Research divorce and children's act solicitors.

When my ex realised I was no longer in his grip, he turned really nasty so you must be careful.

I wish this was just scaremongering and not my lived experience, but from the extensive reading I have done in the last 3 years, this is now a pattern of behaviour and it tends to escalate.

I work in HR and in my company, he'd be out the door. This is blatant sexual harassment and the legislation in this area was strengthened at the end of last year.

So I wouldn't be so sure he'll just be getting a slap on the wrist if I were him.

He's an absolute creep. You're not a team.... he's shown you that. And I'm pretty sure you didn't sign up to be on Team Misogyny anyway!

V similar to my situation with ex husband!

I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaved inappropriately with female colleagues. If he were being made redundant, I would stick by him but this is through his own poor behaviour, which he clearly doesn't personally see as wrong otherwise it would not have happened a second time. Get out.

Do you really think the only times he’s said sexual things to other women have been the two times he’s been caught at work?
This utter misogynistic, sex- pest creep will be harassing many women in real life and on line . How can you even think about being with someone who can treat people like that?
I’m willing to bet he treats you pretty poorly, too.

As you know, this is not “ just high jinx” (!) in any way, and him saying that it is just makes it untenable for you to carry on in a relationship with him.
It’s not just the job situation: that’s on top of everything that is vile about him.
”In vino veritas”: when he drinks alcohol he shows you what he’s really like underneath.
yuk.

Im so sorry. He’s vile and you deserve so much better. Thing is he must be like this at work for a colleague to report him. It If I overheard drunken comments like that from a normally respectful colleague I’d maybe have a word but not take it further if they were genuinely mortified and sorry. The fact he can’t see he is in the wrong tells you all you need to know

Oh dear, I would also worry these were not the only times he had done it, rather the only times he’s been reported. What are the comments? I’m assuming something sleazy? If he would even reveal that information .. would he brush it off as he insulted them or similar?

Why wait? I wouldn’t want to share my life with a misogynist.

I can only imagine how hard it is to realise that your married to a mysognistic twat who has zero common sense. Run dont walk, he has no self awareness.

I think the fact he thinks his comments were ‘hijinks’ instead of deeply offensive and sexual harrasment says volumes. He STILL doesn’t think what he says is a big deal and that’s what would bother me most. That he’s not even apologetic or mortified but thinks others are overblowing it.

Im sorry OP you must be devastated. This isn’t your fault so don’t blame yourself or question yourself.

If this is what he's told you it's the sanitised version. You are in for a lifetime of stress and misery with this man, because fundamentally he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong.

He's angry he's been reported and pulled up on this but will keep repeating this behaviour because he thinks it's the system at fault not him. He's just having "banter".

Benefit cap is £26k a year. Good luck getting a mortgage on that level of income. Neither would I want to go from a full mortgaged house into a shared ownership property, which is, obviously, only part of an asset.

none of these things make the OP “better off” in benefits as suggested. They are not only unworkable for most but involve a detriment to living and financial standards the impact of which will be felt for life. Be more strategic