To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Regardless of his employers actions, I think this would be a relationship ender for me. It’s completely inappropriate what he has said and as a female in the workplace, it’s bloody hard as is without having to put up with that crap from your work colleagues. I just wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to speak like that to a colleague

I think you've got this all wrong in your head. I would be leaving him due to his disgusting comments towards woman not the job.

I came here to say don’t leave him but having read it, I say leave. He’s a creep that will never change.

The comments are so vile. I’m actually shocked that he said all of the things he said. It would be a huge financial and emotional risk to stay with this man.

I’ve been in a similar situation as you (it wasn’t in any way sexual in nature but a stupid joke my partner said to a colleague). The stress of the investigation was extreme. The joke was so stupid and ultimately my partner needed to get another job. They are a lot happier now.

From my perspective the stress was due to a situation I had no control over.

It is very concerning that your partner has been deliberately sexually harassing his colleague. It seems he has a hatred of women and views them as sex objects and it’s so weird that he thinks he is just going to get a slap on the wrist.

Tell that to my best friend who is living her best life as a single mum on benefits. She owns her own new build house - shared ownership but still, the bit she doesn’t own is rented so she gets it all paid for by universal credit. Child support from dad. She’s been on 4 holidays this year so far and has another booked for October half term, nails, eyebrows, hair always done, can afford spa weekends every month. She has a better standard of living than me and my husband and we both work.

And most lenders will take universal credit as valid income for a mortgage, so if she’s working part time as well, I think you’ll find she will absolutely be able to get a mortgage on a shared ownership property.

Is there an update to this post?

I have read everything actually. We just seem to see things differently

Oh jeez this is going to derail the thread…

It only happened yesterday. Give her time.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

He commented (saying he was surprised) on her having a nice bum and not being able to appreciate it through a screen. ‘Joked’ about starting a gofundme for her to move nearer to the office so the men could see her more regularly.

Other manager, comment was not made directly to her but to a colleague who reported it. Basically, it was said that this manager is quite strict and pulling people up on performance. He said that he wouldn’t mind her disciplining him and suggested a sex act she could perform (basically using a toy on him)… so fucking gross

Why is he saying you need to support him when he's a sexist abusive creep?

Don't wait for him to lose the job, leave him!

Your opening question suggests that you may leave if he loses another job, so if he keeps this job will you be happy to continue in this marriage?

It just takes one of these other woman to have a partner/boyfriend who wouldn’t think twice about smacking him one to make this situation worse than it already is.

You need to consider your options.

I'd have left already for him harassing women. Grim. Noone ever reports the low level stuff, he must be the creepy one.

There was a guy at my work got sacked for harassing one young woman. It was all very sudden. Meeting with the top brass then out the door minutes later.
Nobody said anything about it publicly.

This guy was at least single! And he claimed he just wanted to date the girl. Obviously he's a dirty creep who deserved sacking.

But your husband is even worse. He's married and he's said sexual remarks to many women on more than one occasion. And he didn't learn from what happened last time.

Definitely leave.

Would I stand by my partner who had been disciplined in work TWICE for sexual harassment?
Not in a million years. You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. However, it’s embarrassing if you stay, it sends a message that you condone his behaviour and you are a doormat.

I think the red flag is not so much that he may loose this job and others in the future, ( although this is obviously a concern) but the vile comments and disrespect to you and women in general. He seems to have only told you about comments when his job was threatened, how many others has he made ? I wish you well original poster, sorry you are in this situation.

I wouldn't leave just because he lost his job as such BUT given that in this case it seems to involve a repeated pattern of sexual harassment, he doesn't exactly sound like a prince among men!

He cannot see anything wrong with what he's saying and doing, so he will of course continue doing this shit and getting disciplined and sometimes sacked unless he keeps resigning first.

I would be taking steps to divorce because of it.

How horrible for you Op. It sounds like the first instance wasn't a mad one off, but a reveal of his true thoughts and feelings about women. He's not going to change. He sounds incapable of keeping his insulting ideas to himself. I don't think you'll be able to get past this whatever the outcome around his job. It is truly shit for you and not of your making. I hope things work out for you and your DC x

I wouldn't want to be with a man who had this attitude towards women!

Fucking hell, OP, reading your updates on what he actually said - that's outrageous. I don't know what his workplace is like, but you'd be straight out on gross misconduct at mine.

Employers also have new legal responsibilities for out of hours work events, so should be taking this seriously.

He sounds like a nasty sexual harraser who can't control himself. I'd guess he's probably got away with more than he's been reported for.

You don't need to be part of a team with a sex pest.

Yes. Once could be excused. People get drunk, try to be funny, blurt out stupid things, say things they don’t mean (or express themselves poorly), etc. Some people do overreact, and others deliberately take offence just to cause mischief. However, twice is a different matter. In general, people don’t want all the hassle of a visit to HR, putting in a complaint, and so on. So for women to have gone to the effort of complaining twice, at two different workplaces, suggests horrible little perv to me. Women have had to put up with this shit for too long. Fifty or sixty years ago men like him would have been groping and humiliating younger members of staff. Ugghh…I’m surprised you want him anywhere near you OP. I’d have more self-respect on my own.

This guy needs help with his bad attitude towards women. He’s a misogynist in my opinion.

Sure Jan.

I think there's several issues:

1. he's made grossly inappropriate comments four times now (one in his previous job, three on this occasion)

2. his comments are misogynistic and show a deep disrespect to women. I think the latest comments were worse than during the first incident.

3. These comments must reflect his nature / feelings / thoughts. Can you respect him now? Is this the message you want your child to hear growing up?

4. he's broken his agreement to you not to drink at work events

5. he's left you in the lurch re employment and household income