To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Everyone can make a mistake and lose a job but this is a pattern of behaviour and you have two issues here really. The first is his behaviour which sounds poor and also not taking an adult responsibility to maintain a job to support his family. I'd be very annoyed too in your situation.

Get rid of him.

You poor thing. On the bright side, you can walk. He will continue to plague colleagues for miles around until ultimately he becomes completely unemployable.

Has he always been respectful towards you?

Because its telling not just that DH did this but that his attitude is like, well slap on the wrist.. no accountability, no responsibility, no remorse and shes the only one embarassed.

That tells you who he is and the risk of it happening again

So, you are married to a nasty misogynistic arsehole who doesn't know how to treat female colleagues as real human beings or how to keep himself away from situations where he knows he can't control his instincts to indulge in career-sabotaging behaviour. Your dilema is whether to "support" him, or leave him. What form might such "support" entail given that you know he can't and won't change and will do this again the next opportunity?

And she stills calls him her "D" H 🙄

The bar is so low for some women it is practically on the floor

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

He thinks its ok, because it's only a warning and that you are only angry with him because of the risk to his job not the reason he is getting a disciplinary.

He doesn't respect you and he takes you for granted. He expects you to support him no matter how badly he behaves.

If you stay, you'll only reinforce this.

These comments are surely not one offs. A decent man does not come out and say stuff like this once every few years at work only. He is either vile or he isn’t. Have you never heard him open his mouth like this before? I find that very hard to believe so all this is surely not a huge shock.

@Joness2 Has he said stuff similar to this before about say his mates' wives or your friends? It doesn't come from nowhere. What was he like before you married him? I feel really sorry for you.

I know times have changed and companies do take what used to be seen as banter more seriously, but what on earth is he saying to lose 2 jobs over it?!

I'd guess that alone is a reason to leave.

OP has already explained what he said in some detail.

It's bad.

Oh, sorry, I should have read the thread properly first.

I worked in the City in the 80s and 90s and was subject to the "worst" of the sexisit culture we endured. Even then those comments wouldn't have been OK.

So, he's actually thick. He must know you can't say things like that and does it anyway, jepodising his family's security.

And he has the most abhorrent views. It's nonsense that he only said it because he was drunk. People lose their inhibitions and say what they really think when they're drunk, they don't change their underlying personality.

I'm sorry, OP, he's a horrific misogynist. This would absolutely be a deal-breaker for me. I don't know you, but I'm still 100% sure you deserve better than him.

These comments are surely not one offs. A decent man does not come out and say stuff like this once every few years at work only. He is either vile or he isn’t. Have you never heard him open his mouth like this before? I find that very hard to believe so all this is surely not a huge shock.

I agree. My DH wouldn't ever say things like this-whether he's had a drink or not.

Your husband has now had two incidents where what he's said has been serious enough to have led to disciplinary action-I would imagine there have been other occasions but ones where nobody has complained.

Are you saying you have never heard him make any similar 'jovial' sexist/misogynistic comments?

If someone said to me that my DH was boring on about x or had got cross about y, I would think 'oh yes, that sounds like him!' but it wouldn't be anything sexist or inappropriate.

Is there a completely different side to your husband when he's not with you that you are completely unaware of? That would really concern me. The job situation is less relevant-that's just him getting caught.

It's not 'pearl clutching' to find sexual harassment in the workplace unacceptable.

This sort of 'banter' did go on unchecked in workplaces when I was young in the 1980s. The reason women didn't report this behaviour wasn't because they were OK with it, it was because nothing would be done about it and it was more likely that they would lose their jobs than the male perpetrators of this type of 'banter'.

Fortunately, times have changed and men with this toxic mindset do lose their jobs if they harass their female colleagues.

I don't know your workplace of course but if any of my lot said anything like that I'd sack them. There has to be a process but he doesn't seem to deny saying these things and they are way outside of anything that could be interpreted in different ways by different people.

@LoveWine123 ok could we maybe not blame or attack the OP? She is in no way responsible for her DH’s behaviour. Stop making it about her - this is 100% with him.

People can make a bad choice of partner. It happens.

That doesnt mean they deserve to be at fault for things they cannot control. The DH himself can’t control his own mouth; what exactly is OP supposed to do about it?

Your post was really victim blame-y.

What a load of tosh!

It's interesting that you're considering leaving him because he's likely going to lose another job and not because he's a vile sexist pig. How on earth can you be attracted to a man who thinks it's acceptable to speak to women like this?

The DH himself can’t control his own mouth; what exactly is OP supposed to do about it?

What can she do about it. There is plenty that can be done about it! OP has kids with this man and a responsibility to those kids (imagine they are girls). She seems to be more concerned with her husband losing his job, not that he is a vile misogynistic pig and that her children might be hearing similar comments from him. My concern as a mother would certainly be placed elsewhere. Him losing his job should be the least of her concerns. I’m surprised some people are not seeing this…

Team my ass 👀. Are you jointly harassing his colleagues, jeopardising his job and his family's stability?

You deserve more op and I hope you bin him
I get that will hard and having to share the kids etc so it’s a really shit position to be in

Honestly, I’d care less about him being fired and care more about being married to a vile pig.

I would not be remotely bothered if my DH lost his job. He only has once in nearly 18 years (a job that was causing his MH to spiral) but I remember he sheer fear on his face as he told me, like why would I leave him over something so stupid.

The issue in your case is more that your DH sounds like a creep. Unless the inappropriate thing was being straight rude like calling the fatty etc... (no one likes a bully either) but lets be honest if he been called to hearings twice for inappropriate behavior to 'female' colleagues it likely to be more sexual continual harassment that he refused to stop than just a one of bit of misplaced banter.

You dont seen to have read the thread, both op’s posts and others. Read it again.