To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

I agree with a PP that this sort of behaviour was classed as ‘banter’ in the 90s and early 00s. Thankfully, we have now moved on.

Even if the OP’s husband was working during this era, he is well aware, by the nature of having to resign from his last job, that this behaviour is no longer acceptable or tolerated. Yet he then goes on to do it again.

His view that his latest behaviours only warrant a slap on the wrist show that he either doesn’t see, or doesn’t care, how vile and abhorrent his words and thoughts are.

Op I think you are coming to crystal clear realisation - what your husband says when drunk isn’t normal! He sounds like he’s minimised his behaviour and blamed you for over reacting so much you doubted yourself. But look at all these comments - what he says drunk or sober is abnormal! Men don’t say sexual stuff like that unless they are thinking it in their heads all the time. His way of putting women colleagues down is sexually derogatory - that’s weird and you know it!

So for me I would not care if he kept this job or not (I really think he’ll get sack again!). But the way he talks to female colleagues shows an underlying weirdness. I’ve worked many years public and private. Private I once got told by a bloke not to get pregnant or I’d get the sack and stuff like that when they were drunk. However there was an old perv of a man and he said weird stuff all the time… eventually managed out. But the stories about him were horrendous - from him using sec workers at conferences to coming on to very young colleagues. Different era - he’d be sacked much sooner now!

But what I am saying is basically I think when you separate there will be other weird creepy stories that come out about your DH. Him losing 2 jobs is not the issue - his sexist, creepy personality is!

I assure you plenty of people were that sensitive, they were just forced to put up and shut up due to a toxic work culture. Making nasty sexual jibes has never been okay, it’s just that people used to get away with it more. If you want to use the fact that things used to be regarded as acceptable to argue that they are not a problem, you’d do well to remember that it used to be acceptable and even legal for a man to hit his wife. When you know better you do better. People don’t have to put up with sexual harassment and bullying in the workplace anymore. We’ve come a long way.

The fact he thinks he'll just get a slap on the wrist, and his general attitude towards it, shows that he doesn't really think what he did was wrong.
He might think he said it to the wrong person, but not that his behaviour is a problem. He'll likely do it again.

Same, in my office (public sector) there were loads of old men and consultants and a culture of rating the women on fuckability, getting drunk and having flings with colleagues. I became an academic at a time when it was so common that professors were almost expected to have relationships with their PhD supervisees and to drop them when the new intake arrived.

THANK GOD it’s not like that now. The shitty behaviour of men in the past kept women out of the workplace and from succeeding in it. No-one should have to put up with sexualised ‘banter’ and if this is ‘standard’ for men I think we’ve figured out why the birth rate is declining. It’s not pearl clutching to want a partner who doesn’t leer over other women. Why don’t you expect more for yourself?

Stop minimising.

Loads of unacceptable things happened in previous years - sending kids down mines and up chimneys and slavery, for example.

It doesn't make them right. Thankfully we are more enlightened these days, and brushing this kind of behaviour under the carpet just enables these misogynistic pigs to continue.

Don't be embarrassed, you're being honest and sharing what was said so you can get honest feedback based on the actual events rather than people assuming.

If the union rep felt that the manager was going to influence the meeting in the first job, there are ways they could have circumvented that, by asking for a manager from another work place or another area (if that was feasible). However, it's likely that they read the investigation pack and saw that the case was a solid one and told your OH that he had no chance of retaining his job. What he is telling you the rep said is unlikely to be the truth.

In the case of the second job, I would say it's highly likely he will be dismissed again, especially if there are witness statements to back up the initial complaints.

I was going to ask if you think he genuinely did make those comments, but I would say by your post, that he has already told you that he had actually said these things?

So, no, you are not being unreasonable to want to leave because of his behaviours. It will be scary, especially as a single parent. Do you have family or friends for emotional support, as you may need it going forwards. I also suggest going online and using a benefits calculator to see how you would be set financially, too, so that you have an idea of what you would be entitled to, to help you get back on your feet.

Best of luck OP, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

You think it’s unusual for men to be moved onwards and even upwards to cover up inappropriate, harmful or illegal behaviour? It really isn’t. Things are improving overall but still plenty of shocking behaviour examples in the public eye where you might imagine employers would be more careful given the reputational risk.

DOUBLE POSTED SOZ

This. I was reading your op last night and was appalled just at the first post, then my phone died. My husband has lost his job a few times over the years for different reasons. I am always stressed supportive of him as theyve often been for reasons that werent his fault, like covid redundancies, restructure. What yours has lost his job for is his attitude towards women. That for me needs to be what you focus on. He has no respect for women. How does he treat your job? Is it as important as his?

him at risk of losing his job every couple of years because he is incapable of leaving his thoughts to himself
My worry with this is that they are his thoughts.

Does it not worry you that youre embarrassed but hes not?

Worry her? She hardly needs more to worry about does she?!? Why should she worry about whether he’s embarrassed too?

Even if he does keep his job, the working relationship with his colleagues and manager will have broken down irrevocably

It will simply give him enough time to find another job and have a lousy, but truthful reference from his current employer

I am not sure it’s common to lose two roles for harassing women.

He just sounds so deeply unpleasant. If this is the stuff he says out loud about women, just imagine what other things he must think to himself. He so clearly sees women, especially in the workplace, as “less than” him and only there to provide eye candy and sexual thrills. It’s so derogatory. And he seems to go after women in positions of authority? As if they don’t have a right to be there so he sexualises them.

He’s just a really disgusting man who isn’t even hiding it. He’s putting it right out there for you to see… not really the sort of man you choose for a husband. And now you know this really is who he is. So, make your choice.

I’d be very surprised if he doesn’t show some signs in his non-work life of having a mindset like this.

What a fucking pig. For God's sake leave him. How could you stand the humiliation of being married to that?

1. YOU were ok with being sexually harassed by men in the office. You don’t speak for all women.
2. ”It was more accepted in the past” is the crappest of crap arguments.

The fact that he's a horribly misogynistic creep is enough to leave him.

This but him putting blame on you if you leave and 'making it all about you. That would be the element that would have me putting on a smile until I could get my ducks in a row and out the door.

You can't stay with this lemon. He's going to be a liability your entire life. How would you ever relax?

To be honest the comments would make me leave more than the job loss. Sorry he’s such a pig who seems to think other people are the problem

I’ve read all your replies OP and your husband sounds like a complete and utter pig. The fact he lost his job because of inappropriate comments and he’s just gone and done it again is shameful. I’ve never known anyone get sacked for comments like that and for this to happen twice to you in 2 years, something isn’t right. He will continue to keep making these comments as he clearly can’t help himself and at some point someone will report him to the police for sexual harassment and you’ll end up in an even worse situation.

I wouldn’t worry about finances OP, you would be more secure on benefits to be honest! You can’t live your live forever wondering if he will come home without a job. It’s not fair on your children.

It was framed as ‘banter’ but we know better and don’t have to put up with it. It’s sexist, misogynistic language. Would you be happy to describe blokes who slap a woman’s arse, as they make a crude joke as ‘banter’ or a bloke who rubs himself up against a woman, while he tells her she has a nice arse, as ‘banter’?

The ‘banter’ went unchecked at a company I worked at and lots of people just ignored the culture of sexist jokes and comments. I’ll tell you where it eventually led to - a 19 year old female apprentice being sexually harassed and assaulted. It all started as banter and she tried her best to ignore it, as she didn’t want to be seen as too ‘sensitive’. Wasn’t long before a 60 year old bloke was rubbing up against her, then sending her very suggestive text messages and culminating in him putting his hands down her pants.

It’s not banter, if it is unwarranted or unwanted. Whilst you might not be bothered if you get accused of shagging the boss or have comments made about your body, the vast majority of women, quite rightly, find this offensive.

Yes but he’s loosing the work because of his behaviour towards women. This isn’t the 1960s anymore. If he didn’t speak to women the way he has been, he wouldn’t have lost 2 jobs in as many years. I’m not sure what the purpose of your comment is.

More secure on benefits 🤣 good luck getting a mortgage to buy your own house on benefits