To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

So sorry, OP. I am currently struggling in my marriage because DH has made some poor career choices that has impacted our family financially…but NONE of it had anything to do with harassing colleagues or inappropriate behaviour!!

I find I cannot get past my resentment towards DH and the stress he’s caused as it is - but if it also involved creepy behaviour like this I would be getting ducks in row and making plans to leave without question.

Out of interest, how old is your DH? My background is media and this sort of ‘banter’ was pretty common when I started my career back in the noughties. Things have thankfully changed massively since then. Also, bluntly, does he have a drinking problem? A friend of mine is an alcoholic and would say awful things when drinking- it was like he was a different person. Thankfully he’s now sober.

Neither of these questions are excuses btw - this is utterly unacceptable whatever the ‘reasons’ - but just trying to understand the situation more fully…

Those comments show his utter disrespect for women, especially those in higher positions to him.

I’m sorry you will now have a difficult journey ahead, tell the truth to people and don’t try to cover for him. You will get through this and come out the other side stronger, with the added benefit of modelling to your children high standards of behaviour and what is / isn’t acceptable.

You're not "making it about you", you're making it about his inability to not let himself get fired -thereby risking the financial and practical care of your child and stability of your household- because he cannot refrain from making sexually harrassing comments to/about other women. Being drunk or not makes no difference here.

If he had lost a job twice due to economic circumstances or being a whistleblower, that would be entirely different.

Exactly! This will be so true.

OP he sounds awful 😟 and I can’t believe he’s a model DH out of work either. Have a good think about how he treats you.

Absolutely agree

I find it odd that you're focusing on the uncertainty of him losing jobs rather than the fact he keeps saying these awful things to or about women.

For me it wouldn't be the job loss that's the issue, it'd be the way he treats and thinks about women. I'd be out of there.

Current job - three comments involving one colleague as well as a manager (not his own). Colleague works remotely and met team for the first time in person. He commented (saying he was surprised) on her having a nice bum and not being able to appreciate it through a screen. ‘Joked’ about starting a gofundme for her to move nearer to the office so the men could see her more regularly. Other manager, comment was not made directly to her but to a colleague who reported it. Basically, it was said that this manager is quite strict and pulling people up on performance. He said that he wouldn’t mind her disciplining him and suggested a sex act she could perform (basically using a toy on him)… so fucking gross

OP, I don't know what industry your DH works in but I work in the public sector and in any of the organisations I've worked in, it would be vanishingly unlikely that someone would hold onto their job after this. There is a clear pattern of your DH sexually harassing women in the workplace, and they can't just ignore it as they have a duty of care to female staff.

Even if he does somehow manage to keep his job, what then? Losing his last job didn't teach him a lesson, so do you really think a "slap on the wrist" at his current job will? If anything, if he keeps his job it will embolden him, in his mind it's evidence that it's not such a big deal. This is going to be an ongoing problem, because it's who he is. Banning him from work nights out won't help, alcohol isn't to blame here. It's him.

In your shoes I would be worried about where this leads, and about what he's not telling you. Men who feel entitled to comment inappropriately on women's bodies, who sexually objectify women and blame alcohol for making women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, often feel entitled to touch women inappropriately as well. How can you trust a man who behaves this way at work? If he's like this in a work environment then how does he behave with women in a social setting? Or online? I'm sorry OP but I would be willing to bet you don't know the half of it yet.

Wow.

He’s a liability . If you don’t leave him now, he could cost you a lot more in the long run.

One comment: you could argue it was a mistake. A stupid one but a mistake.

Several comments: He’s going to get a rep of being a sex pest . If you stay, you’ll be dragged down with him.

You probably know Mumsnet is going to pearl clutch and side with you. Tbh this sort of banter used to be standard male banter when I was younger working in a professional field. No one was that sensitive or didn’t report people in those days. It depends if he is generally nice person or mean to you. Was he drunk? Is he a general womaniser? I would be more bothered about loosing work than the words. We don’t really know him I guess you do. Sounds like your marriage is on the rocks anyway.

I couldn’t stay with a man who made comments (or had thoughts!) like that about other women - irrespective of the job situation.
He is showing you how he sees women - that they are objects for his entertainment and sexual gratification. They are not professionals who are good at their jobs, people who have intellect, sense of humour, personality, ambition. They are lesser than him.
Is that how you want to live your life? The message you want your children to be sent about how women should be viewed and treated?

OP has been clear in her updates that she's upset and embarrassed by her H's comments.
I don't think it's unreasonable that she's also anxious about how this situation impacts their financial security and stability, especially given that they have a young child. We don't know what OP's situation is, it may be that she's a SAHM or has a disability that limits her ability to earn.
It's also highly likely that there is an element of gaslighting and manipulation at play here.

You think that his previous comment to his own manager, that she's crap at her job and must be a great shag in order to have kept her job, is something that wouldn't have resulted in the sack in the past?

YANBU. I’d be leaving him for being a sexual predator, never mind the job losses.

Get rid.

So he doesn't even see how disgusting and inappropriate he is?? Honestly I think you need to leave him full stop, whether or not he gets sacked.

Not in my field no. Professional in the 90s and early 2000s everyone said outrageous things on nights out and in work. It was considered banter. toxic personality was ok if you were good at your job. Many people were rude and sleazy!

Op, is your DH liked by his colleagues? The comments are not appropriate on any level BUT he won’t have been the first or last to have said something similar to the first incident.

What is he like as a person generally when he’s out and with his mates?

My point is, I suspect he’s said a lot more and those comments are just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect he’s not very liked due to this and someone has seen an opportunity to get rid of him. You should do the same.

Ah OP, what a horrible situation to be in. I can (vaguely) understand if he’d had far too much to drink and crossed a line one time but you’d hope that after the stress of a disciplinary and having to resign, that he’d be utterly mortified and would have learned his lesson.

If I’ve read it right, the second time was actually three different incidents? If they are a good employer I think it’s unlikely that three different comments will just be a ‘slap on the wrist’.

I would assume the version you’re being told is a ‘cleaned up’ version. Generally speaking, people tend to minimise their wrongdoing in order to save face.

Oh look, the husband is on here.

The lack of social awareness and not realising that saying this kind of stuff is wrong in every way is worrying.

Yuck.

you should leave because he’s been fired or is about to be fired twice for being inappropriate to female colleagues.

Yuck.

How could he be set up? Was he given a script and forced to make inappropriate sexual remarks to his female colleagues?

Why are you defending the indefensible? He is obviously an unrepentant sex pest and a pretty shitty husband.

Does 'till death us do part' apply for ever, even in cases of physical and sexual abusve by the husband?

Have you heard of Wayne Couzens? He was part of WhatsApp group full of misogynistic posts which no-one reported. Also he actually indecently exposed himself several times which was not thoroughly investigated. Highly unlikely he never said anything inappropriate to or about female colleagues. Not all organisations maintain the same high standards.

OP clearly states she was pregnant when she found out about the first incident. She’s not psychic for goodness sake!

So he thinks he's entitled to be inappropriate with women even after losing his last job because of it? And he expects you to be in his corner despite this? Like a poster said up thread what if one of the woman has liked him and he's having an affair or will have an affair, are you a team then? What if he is arrested at some point? How far does his idea of a team go? This could be for the rest of your life.

I'd be tempted to say to him seeing as how we are a team that includes this I'm going to be inappropriate with men.

And then look at your finances. I hope you can leave him.