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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

795 replies

Joness2 · 11/08/2025 20:22

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

OP posts:
FluffyWabbit · 12/08/2025 04:49

Er, sounds like a weirdo, tbh.

Why is he making comments towards women when he's in a relationship?

What support are you supposed to give him in this situation?

"It's fine, dear. Go ahead and flirt inappropriately with women. As the woman you're supposed to be with, I support you! Can't wait until you are dismissed at the next job! Smooches."

??

Luckyingame · 12/08/2025 04:50

Yes, I would leave if possible/not bother with this.

washinwashoutrepeat · 12/08/2025 05:35

he has behaved in a vile
manner twice. There is no way he will change.

time to look at those ducks…

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/08/2025 05:40

I simply cannot bear people who don't learn from their mistakes. Or people who can't even see that they made a mistake.

Nomorenonsense2025 · 12/08/2025 05:47

You should leave him because he is a creepy sex pest - and if he has done this that you know about, he has done more that you don't.

Lampzade · 12/08/2025 05:56

Your husband is a vile sex pest .
I bet he is minimising his actions and has probably made a string of inappropriate comments for it to even get to this stage
He is the weakest link and you need to say goodbye

silverspringer · 12/08/2025 06:03

@Joness2losing another job isn’t good at all but it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me depending on the reason.

But, he is losing jobs because he is a disgusting creep who seems to think it’s ok to make lewd comments to and about colleagues.
What does he do to others that isn’t reported? You only know about this because he’s been disciplined at work.
He clearly has really fucked up views about women and I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with someone like that.

You may decide to stay with him and that’s your choice but you really need to think about what you want from your life and whether someone like that is bringing anything positive to your life.

It’s not on you so don’t be embarrassed for his behaviour because that’s not a reflection on you. But I think staying with him longer than it takes to sort stuff out would be a really huge mistake for many reasons.

party4you · 12/08/2025 06:03

I think you should leave him because he’s a misogynistic pig - but surely you already knew that.

TY78910 · 12/08/2025 06:09

5foot5 · 11/08/2025 21:08

I agree that his attitude to women sounds appalling, but can he technically be an incel if he is married with a child? I thought it stood for "involuntarily celibate", I am guessing he isn't celibate.

Show quote history

There was actually a thread here the other day that described a woman who cut off her family because her dad and brother was and her and the mum were constantly abused as a result. Obviously that is an extreme but guess it happens 🤷🏼‍♀️

DrizzleMemory · 12/08/2025 06:15

You are focusing on the wrong bit, his job. Your AIBU should be, do I leave him because he is a creep. I would find this behaviour so incredibly unattractive I would be gone like a shot.

LillyPJ · 12/08/2025 06:15

MissConductUS · 11/08/2025 22:54

He’s horrible. Was he at least drunk when he said these things?

Being drunk wouldn't make it any more acceptable!

GoodPudding · 12/08/2025 06:21

TY78910 · 11/08/2025 20:48

Is he an incel? If not, he’s clearly not learning from his mistakes and it’s not even the job losses I’d be considering leaving because, but his attitude towards women. Especially when he has a wife at home.

Unless incel has another different meaning that I’m unaware of, given that he’s married with a child, he’s can’t be an incel by definition!

WhereAreWeNow · 12/08/2025 06:22

I was going to say YABU - my DH has had a patchy employment history and I find it very stressful but I wouldn't say it's a reason to leave him. But then I read what your DH said and I really couldn't be with someone who makes sleazy, sexist comments to female colleagues.
I'm glad those women complained and that he lost his job.

Scentedjasmin · 12/08/2025 06:24

What he has said is inappropriate. It seems to me that he was trying to make a joke, but in a 1980s laddy sort of way. I tolerated this sort of shite years ago when it was deemed more acceptable and women were expected to laugh along despite feeling uncomfortable. You'd have to be an idiot to crack such inappropriate jokes in the workplace today, if indeed they were intended as jokes. If he wants to keep his job, then he should at least start by taking responsibility and writing a letter of apology to those impacted.
However, worse than that for me is how disrespectful the comments are to you as his wife and the mother of his children. I think that's for you to assess and see whether, for the sake of your DC, you are able to make it work. You might also wish to consider whether he is a good role model to your DC and whether leaving would be in their best interests too. Best of luck with your decision making.

Belshels · 12/08/2025 06:25

Bambamhoohoo · 11/08/2025 20:32

I think there are a few things going on. Think with a cool head what this means.

finances? Your financial future? Work through how much mortgage you can borrow alone and what you’ll split from the house. What your retirement etc will look like. If it’s depressing think about a separate plan, a longer term one to detach in a more beneficial way.

what about your family? What is his relationship like with his child? What will a separated future look like?

be really honest about whether you will do this, and now. It needs planning and striking at the right time. That might well be know, but have all the info first.

and yes, him losing two roles is very disappointing. It’s more common than you expect though.

does he treat women badly when he’s drunk in other settings (or indeed, when he’s sober?)

id love to just screech LTB and lash out at any poster who suggests otherwise but this is a big decision and you should have a level head. Lots of people who threaten to leave in anger never get anywhere near doing it. Harness the anger into action. If you plan carefully I’m sure you won’t regret it

Excellent post!

GoodPudding · 12/08/2025 06:26

TY78910 · 12/08/2025 06:09

There was actually a thread here the other day that described a woman who cut off her family because her dad and brother was and her and the mum were constantly abused as a result. Obviously that is an extreme but guess it happens 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Awful, but “incel” isn’t the right word here unless I’m missing something. As the poster you replied to said, “incel” is someone who is unable to form relationships with women… so her married father, at least, couldn’t be described as one!

Missanimosity · 12/08/2025 06:28

mathanxiety · 12/08/2025 01:01

The experience posted is far from abnormal. Problematic individuals often get shifted off teams where they cause nothing but trouble and delays and drama into managerial roles where (strangely enough) it is perceived they can do less harm to projects and client relationships.

Show quote history

Is not though. Sexual harassment is taken very seriously in this country after so many failings and no company wants to have that reputation or needs the headache of a sexual harassment lawsuit. Companies will let you go swiftly and say "the values of the individual do not match our values". Cancel culture is much stronger as well.

GoodPudding · 12/08/2025 06:28

DrizzleMemory · 12/08/2025 06:15

You are focusing on the wrong bit, his job. Your AIBU should be, do I leave him because he is a creep. I would find this behaviour so incredibly unattractive I would be gone like a shot.

Yes, it’s not losing his job, it’s his repeated sleazy behavour towards other women that’s the issue.

NewToThisOne · 12/08/2025 06:29

I would leave. The comments repeatedly alone would be a massive issue for me never mind losing jobs as it’s so bad!

Actionnotjustwords · 12/08/2025 06:39

Joness2 · 11/08/2025 20:22

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

@Joness2 Have faith and do not rush to leave your husband. You are panicking over something which may result in rash decision-making. Maybe your DH has been foolish or perhaps a bit selfish but you need to have a serious chat using questions not making accusations, digging up the past or making statements that result in him switching off whilst your talking. You promised to stand by him through the tough times as well as the good and although you may feel he hasn't supported you in the way you hoped he would, this does not sound deliberate but more like drunken remarks that are inappropriate. He has not committed a crime but I wonder if your DH truly understands what he's done including how it has made you feel. Please don't forget any times when he has supported you. People on Mumsnet may disagree with my advice but you, your child and DH are the ones that will have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

Spookedbythespiders · 12/08/2025 06:39

Do your girl friends steer clear of him? Have any of your friends ‘disappeared’

i think ducks in a neat row as said before and you’re very wise to leave the hearing to one side, the reason for the hearing far outweighs it.

sorry OP, it’s awful for you.

sandwichlover93 · 12/08/2025 06:41

I’ve not RTFT but I swear I’ve read something similar before on here. I can’t remember what the outcome of that was. I know separating is serious and complicated but his comments are really awful and he can’t control himself even when his livelihood and family’s wellbeing is on the line. That says a lot I’m afraid.

Actionnotjustwords · 12/08/2025 06:45

Actionnotjustwords · 12/08/2025 06:39

@Joness2 Have faith and do not rush to leave your husband. You are panicking over something which may result in rash decision-making. Maybe your DH has been foolish or perhaps a bit selfish but you need to have a serious chat using questions not making accusations, digging up the past or making statements that result in him switching off whilst your talking. You promised to stand by him through the tough times as well as the good and although you may feel he hasn't supported you in the way you hoped he would, this does not sound deliberate but more like drunken remarks that are inappropriate. He has not committed a crime but I wonder if your DH truly understands what he's done including how it has made you feel. Please don't forget any times when he has supported you. People on Mumsnet may disagree with my advice but you, your child and DH are the ones that will have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

Show quote history

PS if alcohol is a big part of sudden changes in behaviour, your DH needs to be told he cuts his consumption to within NHS guidance or seek therapy.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 12/08/2025 06:53

Another here who would be leaving because of his vile attitude towards women. He's horrible, OP, whatever his redeeming features.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 12/08/2025 07:00

@Joness2 I think this is the tip of the iceberg. There's probably a lot more misogyny and belittling of women been going on that you're unaware of. Your husband is a sex pest and has little to no respect for women apart from to see them as sexualised beings who need to be kept in their place by the men (or rather this man).
I think you would do well to make an exit plan. He's only going to cause you more grief and worry. Set him free and bring up your wee family with the values and behaviour that you know is right.

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