Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

ABSOLUTELY NOT over reacting! Under reacting compared to my reaction! I would not have any form of relationship with the man ever again, only cordial but distant with your cousin and neither of them should see your son ever again. For your son’s safety, 100% something dodgy that you would not approve of has happened hence asking did you say anything to the police or give them this man’s name!

You might think that you know this man and you might think that you know your son and that he would tell you if anything untoward had happened between him and your cousin's boyfriend.

But the reality is, groomed and traumatised children often don't tell anyone. They are too frightened to tell because they are told that if they do, something bad will happen to them, or to the people they love, and so they stay silent, often for years.

Your cousin's boyfriend took your child to a house where something was happening that was so serious that the police came when called, and your cousin's boyfriend clearly fled the scene to avoid being caught by the police, leaving your child behind.

If you genuinely don't think that's the real issue here, then you need to have social services involvement, for your son's sake.

You have been allowing your child to be with a man whose behaviour is possibly criminal, and who at the first sign of trouble, abandoned your child in a house where he didn't know where he was, or who he was with, and needed to be brought home by the police.

I really hope this is a wind-up, because I would like to believe that no mother would be so neglectful, and also that the police wouldn't have handed him back to you without getting SS involved first.

Well at least OP learnt her DS to hide in a cupboard if things kick off. And a police lady already knew to look for 'hiding kids' in cupboards and wardrobes.

Beam me up Scotty; I'm ready.

This is insane. You’re not overreacting. You should’ve had an explanation face to face from your cousins boyfriend as he brought your son home. Absolutely horrendous that your son was left in such a vulnerable position. I’d never trust those people again with him.

I haven’t read the rest of your posts so apologies if things have changed since but I had to write - I would be beyond furious and that would be the absolute last time I would have anything to do with either of them.
To hell with what other members of your family think - if they think any of that is acceptable then they’d be given their marching orders too!!
I’m actually furious on your behalf.
re social services, the only problem you would have is if after this event you left your child with your cousin or her boyfriend again.

He didn’t forget him - he was up to no good and you know it and that is why you didn’t share his name with the police.

It was the Police who brought OPs son home and OP decided not to tell them who her cousin's boyfriend is.
I'm struggling to understand why.

If you were so protective of your son, you would surely have known this boyfriend wasn't white as the driven snow?

I think OP has another problem in that she refused to give the name of the boyfriend to the police. If they make a referral to social services, which given the circumstances is very likely, they’re going to take a very dim view of OP protecting the man who was responsible for traumatising her child.

If this is real then you are either utterly stupid or are a terrible parent and if I knew you in real life I would report you to social services.

You have no idea what has happened to your son and you are refusing to find out, you are quite disgusting.

This. The police were called and the boyfriend legged it. Didn’t give a second thought to the child.

having a close member of mine groomed by a n adult 'that is like family' there is not a chance in hell a male non relative would be frequently taking my child out.
Everyone was shocked when it all came out. Be cautious OP.

He is absolutely grooming your son or at least trying to buy his compliance.

No one who cared about him would take him somewhere where the police are called about the activities going on there. I have dc older than that and they’ve never been brought home by the police. 😳 I would have lost my shit with both of them.

That should be the end of the relationship and I wouldn’t have the cousin around either unsupervised. I hope SS does get involved as it doesn’t sound like your boundaries are quite right and you seem to be minimising this very serious situation.

I've read as many of your posts as I could manage but it seems you've gotten the advice you needed

I think phrasing it as 'my cousins boyfriend' left the implication that he was more of a random man than he is

Yanbu and did the right thing. This man can no longer be around your son. He left him to hide in a cupboard.

He took a child to someone's house who 'kicks off'. Unacceptable and you did the right thing.

I hope social services do visit you. It will not reflect well on you if you refuse to tell them who your son was with.

I feel sad for your son that he's being raised to never go to the police - they looked after him! Re "[DS] genuinely believes that [man] sent the police to come and get him and take him home" - so you told him that wasn't true, right?

Re "it's best he forgets about it" - if that's your usual response to any negative experience, a future therapist will make a lot of money from your son.

You’ve been shockingly under reacting after this incident.

I would contact the police and ask someone to
come round to talk to you about the details.

Your son could have heard and witnessed some really awful stuff and been hiding in a wardrobe with god knows what inside.

Did the police find him when they went to see what the altercation was about? For the police to turn up, it must have been really bad and going on for a while. I think you know the answer to this but was the other man hurt by “uncle” or did he run because this was a drug house that the police know about?

It’s very possible for a woman not to know that her bf is sketchy but considering her reaction to it all, your cousin knows much more than she’s telling you.

Many of your posts are very naive - abusers are great at hiding in plain sight and they often scare kids into lying or keeping secrets the same way you are with the police. I wouldn’t be surprised if many more details emerge in the next few days. Your son may not understand the details that he saw and witnessed today but it’s very possible they he will work it out when he’s older.

Social Services would be right to be extremely concerned about a woman who refuses to contemplate anything could be wrong about a terrified child being taken to an unknown persons house where violence loud and prolonged enough for the police to come and search.

If you aren't prepared to even consider there may be a problem, then you are part of the problem.

Refusing to tell the police the name of the man who took your child to the dodgy house just means you are now likely to be thought of by those officers as a problem.

You might as well get yourself a string of red flags to hang in the front of your house, because you are just waving red flags to people who care about the safety of children all over every post you make.

Your child may love you unconditionally, but he doesn't tell you everything.
You don't even know where he has been, if he has been to that house before, what happened in front of him to make him flee and find a place to hide, if anyone tried to stop him, help him or any single detail other than he was in a wardrobe.

You are endangering your child with your attitude.
Problems can happen in any family and it sounds like there is one in yours.

If your child gets on with those girls so well, why don't they want to visit him?
If he gets on with them so well, why doesn't he stay with them instead of going out with McDodgy boyfriend of a relative?
None of this is anything but odd.

When I was at a rowdy teenage party and neighbours called the police, they didn't search any cupboards or wardrobes. I can't imagine feeling I had to protect someone, who had abandoned my frightened child, by refusing to give their name to the police.

Hi @iamstillfuming .

You said, "He might not be perfect but I know he would never ever harm my child in any way."
I say this gently, and with kindness - he already has hurt your son. He allowed your son to get into a situation that was so terrifying he hid in the wardrobe. A situation so terrifying the police had to bring him home.
And then he literally ran away and forgot all about your child. The emotional hurt that has and will cause your child will likely be next level, especially as he's old enough to remember it all when he's older.

I understand your defensive with comments like this because having to admit that something awful has happened to your child while they weren't in your care is a tough thing to do. But you have to do it, and you have to speak to the police. And I would then say you should be giving the police his name, but I guess that's something you can decide when you have more details from the police?

Well done for deciding to tell your husband. I know you're worried/scared, but you're doing the right thing. How has he taken it?

OP, you don't need the police officers' details - if you ring with the details you know, and your son's details, they will be able to trace the incident from records. You owe it to your son to find out the full details. Why were you worried about giving your cousin's boyfriend's name to the police? It's very suspicious that this is what concerned your cousin too.
I couldn't rest until I knew where he'd took my son, and what happened there. You really do owe that to your son.

(He might not be perfect but I know he would never ever harm my child in any way.)

But he HAS put your child in harms way? He took your child into a situation where anything could have happened AND HE LEFT YOUR SON THERE hiding in a cupboard!
So are we to believe from that, that your cousins boyfriend had left the house when the police arrived (done a runner) and in his panic he’s forgotten about your son?
If the police turned up with my son, like hell would they be leaving without telling me exactly what had gone on and I actually find it very hard to understand how any member of the police force would just simply bring the child home, no questions asked and no explanations given and just leave!!! It doesn’t work like that.
I get it if there’s some stuff you know but don’t want to go into detail about but be honest about it because it simply doesn’t make sense otherwise and that’s why people are coming at you from all sides.
you can’t just cut your cousin and her boyfriend off and sweep this away never to think about it again. Your son must have been absolutely terrified and he’s NOT going to simply forget about this -he’s ten not five.
If you genuinely don’t know anything more than what you’ve posted then you need to start being a bit more proactive and getting in touch with the police to find out exactly what went on! I wouldn’t be protecting the cousins boyfriend either and straight up I would’ve given his name to the police. Any loyalty would be gone out the window the second I knew my son had been put in harms way and I’d be thanking any God you believe in that it wasn’t worse than it was!

Now I’ve properly caught up I completely agree 👍

This is weird as fuck.

My cousins are more like siblings to me and they've known my OH since we met, over 20 years ago: we spend a lot of time together, socialise and holiday together and he first met both of my cousin's children in hospital when they were hours old!

But there's no way he would ever, as a technically unrelated male, think of taking either of them out alone - that would be incredibly inappropriate.

Seriously, what the fuck are you thinking here, OP? Social Services ARE going to be involved here, without a doubt.

V concerning how adamant & convinced OP is about this “uncle”. It’s concerning how inconceivable it is to you that he could remotely be considered as anything other than appropriate with your child, even though his recent behaviour has proved that he is indeed seriously inappropriate with him. Taking him to strangers’ homes? Exposing him to fear & danger? Allowing him to be so frightened he ran into a bedroom & HID in a wardrobe! He must have been terrified to do that. Acted in such a way ie loudly, aggressively possibly violently for a neighbour to have to call the police out of concern for people’s welfare in that house! Then ran away to save himself no doubt & allegedly “forgetting” your 10 year old child!! Course he didn’t forget him! He did something sufficient to warrant the homeowners to need to be so angry with him that he had to run for his own safety.
Of course it’s only natural to wonder what else he is exposing your child to. Was he there getting drugs? Are they sex offenders? Why is that so inconceivable to you to even contemplate OP? And why do you say your child would never get caught up in anything like that bcos of how well you’ve taught him?? V v worrying. Of course your child wld not choose to get caught up in sexual abuse or drugs or other. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be happening to him. Or that being in an adult male’s company who is clearly completely untrustworthy & incapable of being responsible for him - could possibly mean no harm can come to him when in that man’s company?
You say you fear S Services would consider this neglect. Why? Do you feel you’ve been neglectful in letting your child be taken out by this man? Bcos if I’m honest your trusting defence & impossibility that this “uncle” could be capable of anything sinister is a bit neglectful. So get over yourself & listen to what the unanimous response on here is saying to you!! And protect your son from possibly harmful adults that are not his “uncle”.

OP if he is not talking about it how is he then going to process what has happened to him and move on. If you don’t process then it will haunt him in his dreams and give him nightmares, it will affect his worldview and confidence, how safe he feels in this world. Hoping he will just forget about it is not thinking about your child and what’s best for him