Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

How on earth could you let your son go out with a random male relative and not even know where they were going?

Then the police bring him home after he is abandoned and you wont give them your BILs name or care about any details of what your son went through? It's clearly something dodgy, neighbours don't call the police over minor one off arguments. Any normal person would happily give his name and address and want every detail they could get, whereas you are very brush this under the rug. Are you from NI?

Christ this is why there should be some sort of test before people are allowed to have children, you are so negligent and naive it's scary. Non related male overly interested in your son and your response is "crack on", most children are abused and neglected by their own family or close family friends OP it's not some dodgy guy in a van like tv shows tell us.

"How on earth could you let your son go out with a random male relative and not even know where they were going?"

He's not even a relative(or a BIL) He's the OP's cousin's boyfriend.

OP you need to digest your own words here…

”There is no grooming, either it being sexual or him using my son in other ways, so I will not be responding to any posts that suggest otherwise.

He might not be perfect but I know he would never ever harm my child in any way.

I am just very disappointed in him, never did I ever think he would leave my son no matter how bad the situation was. In result of this I have lost my cousin and best friend and my son has also lost his cousins.”

By your own admission you have misjudged this man. You left your son with him because you did not think he was the type of man who would take your son to a strangers house, get involved in some sort of violent altercation and then bolt from the police leaving your son hiding and terrified. So no, you do not know what this man can or cannot be trusted to do with your son. This very incident shows that.

I don’t think you should ask your son if he’s being abused, but I would absolutely, in a casual chatty way, ask him what sort of things he usually does with “Uncle TwatFace”.

& OP no one sends their kids off alone with a man they think is going to hurt their child. & yet children get hurt. All the time. By the men they are closest too. Plenty of women marry men only to find out that man they share a bed with and have spent hours with every day for decades was abusing his own child. Don’t be naive enough to think this is a one off incident and this man has otherwise been completely above board with your son.

Does that mean sexual assault? No. But I doubt this is the first situation he has put your son in that was inappropriate.

I think you’re the one making assumptions, that your son was so scared he had to hide, is something you can just brush off, and assume he’ll forget overnight. And that the arguement was nothing to be worried about, despite a neighbour being do worried, they called the police.

Closing your account isn’t rocket science OP. Assuming you are on the website go up to the little figure on the top right of the screen and click on it, go down to settings and click on it again, at the bottom of the options under settings is permanently delete account. Leave or don’t it is entirely up to you but right now you sound like a teenager I know on another site who gets called out for goading posts or inappropriate behaviour. They then say they are leaving as everyone is being mean while secretly hoping someone will say don’t go. Two days later they back posting again as if nothing happened.

Having reported this thread earlier (and seeing others have done the same) I’m disappointed to say all @MNHQhave done is remove posts that breach the talk guidelines. No acknowledgment of the risk element etc.

I haven't read the whole thing, but as the kid who was at the centre at something that my mother decided had to be kept quiet, ostensibly because her husband would go mad, I would like you to please consider a few things.

Firstly, would you be okay with your husband keeping something similar from you, and requiring your child to be complicit with that?

Secondly, who are you prioritising, really? It's not your son. It's not your husband, who has a right to know about such major occurances in his son's life, and what might possibly cause ongoing fallout in terms of actions and behaviours. Is it you, your extended family, and avoidance of possibly uncomfortable consequences?

OP I understand you don’t want to think something terrible has happened to your son, but it’s doing him a disservice to assume he’s fine. If you ask him the questions, it doesn’t change what happened - it just means if it did happen your son doesn’t have to shoulder this alone. And if it didn’t happen, your son knows you care enough to find out.

Where did you think your son was being taken?

I have to agree with previous posters that this 10 year old child is in danger due to negligent parenting.

I don't believe the Op did tell her husband / her child's father last night, as I don't believe he would have taken this all so calmly.

OP who's house was it, where was it, what were they doing there, what was this fight about? If it was my kid I'd want answers to these questions.

I just read the thread. When a juvenile is present at the address where an offence took place they ALWAYS refer that youngster to child services. Is a legal obligation. For this to happen they need to reocord details of the child AND thd appropriate adult. That would be you or your husband. Police dropped the child and took no details? Asked no questions? About knowing your cousin's bf, you must admit that you trusted him and never expext him to forget your boy. But he did, So it was proven to you that you don't know him really, why do you argue with facts, this is not an opinion is a fact. The bike is suspicious as hell. Why you don't talk more to your boy, you say you have a good relationship with her. You say you don't want to put pressure on him, well you need to, is the only way you can protect your kid. Something stinks here!

You "feel sick"?

I wonder how your son felt hiding in the wardrobe.

Anyone with any common sense would see this is a really fucked up situation and you're refusing to take any responsibility whatsoever. I suspect you know more than you're letting on too.

At the end of the day, it's SS and your son you'll have to justify yourself to, not us.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong in trusting someone who has been known to the family for a long time BUT you need to ask yourself certain questions either for your own piece of mind or to help your son.

1. whose house was it?
2. what was the argument about?
3. why did your cousins partner leave in such a hurry that he forgot your son?
4. why doesn’t he want the police to know his details if he has nothing to hide.. an argument even a heated one wouldn’t normally be enough to get in trouble with the police- unless violence etc was involved.

You don’t owe us anything but you really need to get the details out of your son and not be so quick to dismiss what people are saying… something dodgy definitely occurred and this may not have been the first time your son was embroiled in it. You can’t stay in denial about this… it may be something and nothing but it is imperative that you find out more details to protect your son and help him process something that has already happened. I appreciate it’s really hard but you can’t just brush it under the carpet.

I find this concerning too.

I was thinking something similar myself. If the OP is right and there is genuinely nothing criminal or sexually exploitative going on, the next most obvious explanation is that they are from a very patriarchal culture where the boys are taken under the wings of the men in the wider community and extended family, and get to hang out with them and socialise, doing their deals and talking man stuff, while the women and girls all stay in their lane doing whatever women and girls are expected to do at home.

There could be a religious element as well, possibly he's being groomed in an entirely different way, by being taken to listen to extremist preachers filling his little head with all sorts of shite.

Either way, I don't think this non-uncle/cousin person is taking him ice skating one week and bowling the next.

Give your head a wobble, this has county lines all over it, he's using your son due to his age being below criminal responsibility, I dont care how long hes been in your family, hes taking your son to some dodgy house, forgetting him and then worried about what you have both said to the police.

Still wondering why it has ever been ok for cousins boyfriend to be taking out her son regularly and 'being close' to him despite the fact he has 3 daughters of his own.
Story seems to have changed on this a little bit (a later post says he is looking after him while they work, another says him and the cousin take him out). None of this post adds up.

I could be wrong but…I wonder if he’s got your son carrying drugs on these days out, in case anything should come on top?.Just a thought.

If anything, you’re underreacting.

Tell your husband what happened and never allow your son to be in the company of your cousin or her boyfriend ever again. Hell would have to freeze over before I would allow that to happen to my son. Your cousins boyfriend is negligent and involved with possibly degenerate and unsavoury lifestyles/people/dealings and has no sense of good judgement. If the police were called, it must have been a serious disturbance. The boyfriend then just scarpered leaving your son alone in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people. You would have to hold me back from taking a baseball bat to his head. Never let him around your family again.

The OP clearly knows something illegal is going on because she refused to tell the police who this man is and her cousin was only worried about whether her boyfriend's name had been kept from the police rather than how the child is. Sorry, but I think a lot of people here are wasting their time trying to 'get through' to the OP. She knows a hell of a lot more than she's said here. Otherwise she would have cooperated with the police and be trying to find out everything she could about whose house the child had been taken to and what was happening there.

I think it’s pretty clear that’s what’s been happening - that or similar, at least.

This man scarpered when trouble kicked off without a thought for your son, leaving him scared in a strangers cupboard. How the fuck are you saying he would never harm him? That is harmful!

I do not have the details of the police, they did ask for his details I told them I am not willing to give them his name, as much as what he did was wrong I would never do that to him.
Either he didn't do anything wrong and nothing would come of it anyway, or he did do somethig wrong while your son was in his care. There is no good reason not to give his name.

Would also explain why she was so hesitant to tell the husband anything!