Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

What's disgusting is that you're freaking the f**k out over a couple of very relevant safeguarding questions and doing your best to silence genuine concerns by having a total melt down.

I can see why your son ended up hiding in a cubpoard at a drug raid.

Red flags flying everywhere.

Sounds very strange.Defo up to no good.

I think you’re in denial. this sounds dodgy. Why did your son refuse to speak to the police, only to give them your number? Why was your cousin only concerned about if your son had spoken to the police?

it sounds like both your cousin and your son know that cousin’s boyfriend is up to no good?

your son was coached not to speak to police?

cousin’s boyfriend sounds like a drug dealer and was likely ran and left your son to avoid getting attacked. No sane adult/uncle would be bringing their kids/nephew around random, violent men like this - let alone leave them there.

A man shows a special interest in your child. Takes him to houses with multiple strangers, where "altercations" occur that are significant enough for the police to be called.

Where the man then flees, abandons the child and is concerned that his name has been given to the police

The child is found hiding in the wardrobe. I.e. the altercation was significant enough foe the police to search the house, not just a domestic. None of the adults in the house seemed particularly aware of the child

The man then wants to buy the child a large present

That's just so blatantly something dodgy, it's not unlikely to be something like grooming, drugs, County lines. That's exactly what happens with early stages of county lines.

It's bizarre that OP doesn't want some fundamental questions answered, like who's house was her child at, why were the police called. Who else was there.

This is insanity!

It's bizarre that OP doesn't want some fundamental questions answered, like who's house was her child at, why were the police called
That's literally the first thing I'd want to know. Where was it, and why were the police called.
If it was just an argument that had broken out, why did he run off in such a panic that he forgot he had a 10 year old with him?

@iamstillfuming From your OP: ‘My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.’

You also speak a lot about how close they are. While you may not have said that this is an event that happens most days, you have insinuated that it has happened on a number of occasions.

I think you need to really ask yourself why people’s very real concerns are enraging you so much. It seems all people really want here is for you to say ‘yeah, that was a really weird and unsafe situation that he was in and I’m worried. I’m going to make enquiries to get to the bottom of what happened and make sure that my son really is ok and isn’t just wanting to not worry/upset me’. But you have instead just spoken about wanting everyone to forget it all and you won’t be looking into it further.

People are worried about your son. If you are as protective of him as you say you are, you will see that.

I can’t deal with the pathetic assumptions!

People are going to assume things and speculate based on the info you've presented if you're not going to engage and offer clearer explanation. Obviously, it's your life and no-one is entitled to know your private stuff but you have brought this dilemma to a public forum for discussion.
Posters are genuinely worried about your son and your seeming lack of interest into what happened and why so obviously they will have questions and comments. That's MN!

But why did he take him to some random persons house you don't know ?
Why didnt you tell the police your cousins boyfriends details. If he is such a great guy?
You won't for one minute admit you had no clue where he was or what he was doing.
When my children visit family I know if they are planning to go out for the day . And the details.

Christ almighty. You really don’t get it do you? God help the poor kid.

The Police will have recorded that a child was found hiding in a cupboard at a house where there was a disturbance (loud argument or physical fight, who knows - certainly not the OP)! The Police will have the address where they took the child. The Police will hopefully have noted that the responsible adult (OP) was uncooperative in giving any information as to who the child was with. I'm hoping Social Services step in and give the OP the same stern warning stuff that Mumsnet Posters have given her. To her face!

I just find it hard to belive she hasn't pressed her son for more details on what on earth was going on it that house fgs

I think the biggest problem here is OP doesn’t actually understand what grooming is. She thinks it’s only about sexual abuse or drugs. Thing is it seems the boyfriend has even groomed her into keeping quiet too. They have all been reeled in and she’s completely oblivious. He’s gained her trust so much that she lets him have access to her son every week and doesn’t even know where he is taking him.

Run away!!!!!
Again!

You trusted him with the most important thing in the world to you and he fucked up massively. You did the right thing. Don’t let them see him again.

Hope you don't. There are nutters on every forum.

Have you rang the police today to find out why your son was absolutely feared to death hiding in a random bedroom wardrobe in a random house whilst people were attacking each other outside?

Have you even bothered to ring the boyfriend for an explanation?

Nobody I know or anybody on here would just be like oh well never mind… your behaviour is absolutely bizarre and as a ‘loving parent’ you should be delving deeper into this for the sake of your son!

You ask if you’re overreacting, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an UNDERreaction.

You have been so incredibly blasé throughout this thread, treating much of what happened as if it’s totally normal. For reference, the following things are really not normal at all:

1. Your ten year old child was taken to a random house that you didn’t know with random people you didn’t know. From what you say it sounds like you never know, or ask, where cousin’s partner takes your son - I think you said he just tags along with him wherever he goes? This is very different from a relative taking your child to the park or the zoo and you knowing that’s where they are.

2. A fight broke out at this house, loud enough and for long enough that the police were called. Your child was so scared he ran through the house into a bedroom and hid in a wardrobe. Considering it will have taken the police some time to be called and then even more time to respond, he must have been there for ages. No-one noticed he was missing in all that time. Clearly what was going on was far more than a disagreement, and yet you aren’t interested to find out more?

3. When the police arrived cousin’s partner ran away, leaving your child there alone. That clearly shows that what he was doing in the house was illegal - you don’t flee the scene just because you’ve been in a noisy argument. And yet you don’t seem to be remotely interested in this aspect - is that because you already know you know he’s involved in criminal activity? If so that begs the question, why would you be letting your child “tag along”?

4. The police wouldn’t have found your son in the wardrobe if they hadn’t searched the entire house, which is not something they would do for a noise complaint. What were they searching for? What gave them reason to? WHY don’t you want to know?

5. They had to ask you who your son was there with, which suggests your son wouldn’t tell them. That’s extremely troubling. And then you wouldn’t tell them either! Why are you protecting your cousin’s partner after what he did to your child? You then didn’t want to tell your husband in case he stormed round there (protecting him again!). And throughout this thread you have leapt to his defence at every turn.

You seem to have left the thread in a huff now, but on the off-chance that you’re still reading this, please give real consideration to what everyone has been saying to you. None of this is normal, or healthy for a ten year old. It is very clear that cousin’s partner is a criminal and that he has been exposing your child to his criminal activities. You have brushed this off but it’s very likely he has been grooming him to take part in whatever it is. You cannot just brush this under the carpet, go on holiday and forget it. You need to get to the bottom of everything that has been going on while your son has been with this man for all this time. You need to know everything he’s seen and heard. Only then can you help him process it.

The fact that you didn't know your son was going to a random house yesterday, with an unknown quantity of adults present or what they were doing but where an argument was loud enough to get police involvement, means you don't know what your son has been doing with your cousin's boyfriend on their trips out. Have either of them told you what they do? Maybe you should ask your son if he's ever been to the house before.

No matter how much parents think their children will tell them everything, children don't, particularly if it will get them into trouble. In some cases, they receive treats and don't want them to stop by telling their parents. It doesn't mean the circumstances are dodgy but they could be. You have implied that these trips out have gone on for quite a while so your son would have been a lot younger when they started. Grooming, SA etc can start off gently, building up over time so parents may not be aware of changes in children because it's so gradual.

I'm not suggesting your son was groomed or SA was involved but I think you owe it to your son to find out why they were at the house and who was present. Nobody can be 100% sure of anything unless they are with their children all the time - which no parent is. Perhaps age appropriate counselling where he has a safe space to talk might help him and might get answers. He doesn't need to know it's because of what happened in the house. What concerns me is the way the boyfriend wanted to take him out to buy him a bike. He could have bought a bike and brought it to your house. Why the need to bring him out? Was it a reward for not saying anything?

Again, I'm not saying anything bad has happened but you will never forgive yourself if he turns around in a few years time and tells you something awful happened to him. Because of the police involvement you have the perfect opportunity to find out, carefully, exactly where they have been going and why. It could be the boyfriend was hanging out with friends who were smoking weed but wasn't smoking it himself. If so, he would have still exposed your son to drugs, something that might now be normalised to him if the boyfriend exposed him to it often enough. You really need to find out what went on yesterday, including what happened prior to the argument.

Or she knows full well what was going on there and the boyfriend has done such a job on her that she’s got misplaced loyalty toward him and is keeping quiet to protect him.

Or you could just turn off notifications and stop checking the thread. Most people know this but some are not too bright.

It's not the Op's boyfriend - it's her cousin's boyfriend.

The only person on this whole thread who doesn't think he went to a drugs den or a place full of stolen goods, a pimps house (or worse, a paedophile gang's place where they take kids to use them) is the OP. Absolutely every single other person is thinking one of those things. Let's all pray it's not the last one.

I don't think he definitely went to one of those.
It could have been innocent.
I do think the OP is being incredibly naive to flat out laugh at everyone suggesting it though and not even wanting to ask where he'd been or what happened is definitely suspect though. How on earth can you not want to know the basics?

That’s why I said ‘the’ boyfriend. As in the boyfriend we are talking about has done a job on OP.