Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

OP - you have your head buried firmly in the sand. Your poor son would have been traumatised by what has happened, not just scared but traumatised, and you're just going to ignore his feelings. You need to learn not to shy away from the difficult conversations. You need to talk to your son very calmly and openly about what happened. Because right now it sounds like you're happy for it all to be buried away, and that's very damaging.

And that's the bare minimum that you should be doing! I have 4 dc's, by now I would have found out exactly what had happened, what the cousin's boyfriend had been up to and it would not be getting swept under the carpet.

FYI - Social Services are now call Child Services. You might find this useful when they get in touch, I'd expect the police to make a referral.

Police aren't called by neighbours over a squabble over a game of domino's.

Maybe - maybe - they were gaming at the house the Police were called to and it escalated into a row. The BIG issue is - OP doesn't know. Doesn't want to know. Nobody knows. That's where the majority of Mumsnet posters here have a problem. No way, no how, would I not want to know how my 10 year old, primary age child, ended up in the hands of the Police having been found hiding in a wardrobe when I thought he was safe in the hands of a family member - who had fled the scene apparently having forgotten the kid! Even if it was as innocent as playing computer games - what sort of games, what were the age restrictions. For the OP to show so little interest absolutely baffles me.

The police would raise a referal for safeguarding. They have a legal reposnability to do so when in the house an offence ocurred and a child is present. Not doing so is sackable offence . Plus taking into consideration that the child was hiding in a wardrobe and had no responsable adult qith him. This is a serious concern. Either OP does not tell us the whole truth or she is lying herself.

You said 'he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day' which suggests its frequent. And that you drop him there before you go to work. So apologies if I'm mistaken but you've made it sound like he spends a lot of time with this man.

It's not 'disgusting' to be skeptical of an unusual arrangement. You are so unbothered regarding the circumstances which led to your young child to be returned home to you by the POLICE, after being abandoned in a dangerous and unfamiliar situation. This is utterly baffling to almost everyone who's responded to you?! Yet you'd rather fight with those who have given you solid advice.

You also didn't comment on the part where I said you've chosen to protect this dodgy man? Even if he's done nothing wrong, what have you got to lose by letting the police simply look into it? Stop being so bloody defensive and just do the right thing!

@iamstillfuming why don’t you understand how this looks to us trying to help… your cousins husband ‘forgets’ he has a kid with him then panics and won’t go back but sends someone else in his place (this sounds like your cousins husband felt in danger) then after all the commotion decides to try and ‘make it up’ to your son with a £300 bike 🤷‍♀️…
he has 3 daughters what does that look like if he spent £300 on a kid that’s not even his blood … he is trying to silence your son from saying something or saying what he has seen or heard in that house…. u need to dig deeper to safeguard your son… you cannot protect him by keeping him under your wing at all times… he will have to inevitably go out alone soon and he needs to know how to deal with these types of situations… i know some on here have been harsh but they have YOUR SONS best interests at heart so they don’t care about upsetting u… u should be grateful ppl care… instead you are caring more about how you are feeling

Sounds like he’s grooming him if it’s not SA I’d say drug dealing

There's no way the Police would have dropped a 10 yr old off at home, where the mother refused to name who he was supposed to have been with and then walk away without following up with SS.
OP claims to not know if the cousin's boyfriend works but is adamant he is not involved in criminal activity. Yet he left the boy in an unknown house and legged it.
OP, you are not protecting your child by not questioning him. You are protecting the boyfriend.

The fact you refer to County Lines as nonsense shows how far up your arse your head is. You are unbelievably naive. Don’t ever think that it can’t or won’t happen to your son.

OP, this is the thing I can't get past.

Your cousin's boyfriend left your son in a position of danger but you won't tell the Police who he is.

Speculation about SA, drugs, all the rest are irrelevant.

Why will you not tell the Police who your son was with.? Surely you can see they will draw the worst conclusion ?

There wasn’t an offense. Someone just called the police over a disturbance.

What offence happened? All that happened was a neighbour called the police because they heard shouting. Shouting isn’t an offence.

The BIG issue is - OP doesn't know. Doesn't want to know. Nobody knows. That's where the majority of Mumsnet posters here have a problem.

I suspect the OP probably does know actually, but doesn't want to say because she thinks it's irrelevant and will probably derail this issue with another issue entirely, which would be everyone discussing the rights and wrongs of the boy being where he was and whatever was going on there before it turned into a violent incident where the police were called.

She only wants to discuss the fact that this man fled the scene without taking her son with him and left him hiding in a wardrobe.

She clearly doesn't want to discuss why he was there and what was going on there. I do not for one minute believe she doesn't know the answer to any of those things. This makes me think that it's something the majority of us would probably raise our eyebrows at, but she would dismiss as our lack of understanding/tolerance over 'cultural differences.'

And that's why she isn't prepared to get into a conversation about the finer detail.

Shouting isn't an offence. Which is exactly why OP's refusal to provide the police the name of the man "responsible" for her child is so strange.

Just read the full thread and am surprised that it is still up and running. Like a few other posters, I agree that this sort of situation is completely normalised in some areas of the country. It certainly is in my area, and I very much doubt that the police will take any action at all.

There was a disturbance in a house, police attended and may have been told by neighbour that a child was present which is why they looked for him. Uncle up to something dodgy, so tells boy to hide, not to speak to police and will send someone for him. Uncle does runner, boy delivered safely home and no further action required. Family are on at op to calm down and not ruffle any feathers.

I suspect that the op and her family are aware of criminal activity, and are complicit in it, but believed that her little boy would never be affected which is why she is so upset. I suspect op is now on the police radar, if not already and the little lad will now be in their sights also. He has certainly learnt how to keep his mouth firmly shut where the police are involved.

All pure speculation of course, but the lad did say that uncle would send someone for him, unfortunately for him it was the police.

I suspect that the op and her family are aware of criminal activity, and are complicit in it, but believed that her little boy would never be affected which is why she is so upset. I suspect op is now on the police radar, if not already and the little lad will now be in their sights also. He has certainly learnt how to keep his mouth firmly shut where the police are involved.

I agree. The actions of all involved suggest they are distrustful of the police. Tbh the tone and demeanour of OP suggests there has likely been police interest into the family before this.

Personally I would never encourage anyone in my family not to talk to the police, especially not a little kid. They need to be able to trust the police, what if something happens to them and they need to get emergency help? Who cares about if the son named cousin’s boyfriend? That’s a clear indication that the family are aware he’s a criminal and may get into trouble.

I find it bizarre that OP was called by the police and her first instinct was to immediately call the cousin’s boyfriend. Like the police have intervened, I’d assume the boyfriend was involved not that he was an innocent party. I wouldn’t be trying to tip him off about the police or conceal his identity.

@iamstillfuming

Another thing, regardless of everything that happened in that house and the situation your not helping your son by just ‘moving on’ .

You say your son would tell you if anything bad ever happened but I’m not getting that vibe from you, you appear to not want him to be questioned or spoke to about things.

Your son probably will bottle this up now as he doesn’t sound like he’s able to express his feelings to you and likely end up with trauma and even PTSD just because you can’t be arsed getting to the bottom of things.

iI think you know exactly why he was in a random house and I don’t believe you’ve told your husband either.

This may be true. It may not be true. Because it's the OP's narrative we have here. Which is what the OP has been told by - the Uncle? The Son? The Police?

The OP's original question, was she exaggerating in going ballistic at the Uncle, at her Cousin, as other family members seem to have suggested. Can't believe that is the only thing the OP seems to have questioned!

Absolutely. But it’s highly unlikely the police would have informed children’s services in this scenario. Personally I think that’s unfortunate considering the sort of people OP is allowing him to spend time around. Why was she so keen to protect the boyfriend and refuse to give his details after he abandoned her child? Her priorities are seriously skewed.

Don't be naive. Eeven so, they still would do a referal.

I’m not naive. And no, they wouldn’t necessarily.

If all that happened was a bit of shouting, why did cousin’s boyfriend make a run for it when the police arrived, leaving the boy behind? If it was just a noise complaint police would have just said “keep it down” and left. There would have been no reason to run away.

And if it was just a noise complaint, why were police searching the entire house, to the extent that they found a small child hiding in a wardrobe?

We haven’t been told the full story. Whether OP does or doesn’t know the full story herself is a matter of debate.

And how do you know they didn’t just tell them to keep it down? It’s obvious the boyfriend is a wrongun. But none of that means an offense occurred or a referral was made. It’s all speculation.

Why would the police search the house if it was nothing more than a noise complaint?

Then, as I already asked, why did the boyfriend run from the police? And why did the police conduct a search of the house? I think it’s pretty unlikely it was all due to a bit of shouting.

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