Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

I think this is almost certainly cultural, as suggested up thread. I'm assuming that this (at least in part) accounts for the refusal to "inform" on the boyfriend and maybe also the denial of possible grooming or criminal activity. What goes in the family, stays in the family sort of thing. The OP may also be afraid of repercussions. Either way, this is one bad situation.

She was acting like it wasn’t anything of the sort.

You seriously need to try and find out more, I know you say you know the uncle, but you can't know for definite what he's really like.

Yes you know your son, but you don't know what's been going on.

No you are not being unreasonable at all! This is absolutely awful and I cannot believe that you have people telling you that you have gone too far!

The situation sounds extremely dodgy . For police to be called , that itself tells you it’s bad . You could well have social services contact you , I would say it’s pretty much guaranteed. You will be fine, it won’t reflect on you as you were unaware - as long as you do not let this person have your son again. If you did and police were involved again you could be seen as putting your child in danger

I would never be allowing that person to have any unsupervised time with my child again .

@Needtosoundoffandbreathe your comment helped me put my finger on what I wanted to say about the OP’s attitude to all of this.

Unless there are other factors involved here - eg the OP knowing more than she lets on - I’m wondering if this is more about ‘If I don’t acknowledge the dangers of this situation, it means I’m not a bad parent because there is no danger and I therefore I am not responsible’. Hopefully I have explained that coherently.

I’ll attempt to explain further with this:

A relate of mine was letting their pre teen go to a relative’s house. The relative was known to be a wrong’un and the house not a good environment, but it meant that the parent of the pre teen could do whatever they wanted. In this instance, what they wanted was to drink themselves catatonic without responsibility.

It eventually came to light that the pre teen was being offered and taking Class A drugs at the house and had been raped by an adult who was visiting the house.

Upon knowing this information, the parent of the pre-teen was beside themselves with sorrow and rage. Their rage was directed against the relative at the house where the pre-teen had been visiting. At no point has the parent acknowledged their responsibility in this situation. If they did, it would make them a bad parent.

Why are you laughing it off?!
Yes, it's very unlikely to be anything like that but it could be.
You don't seem to care, and are sticking your head in the sand instead.

The indignation when grooming, possible abuse or drugs involvement have been suggested is unreal. As a responsible parent you should want to know. Yes, you know your child best, but to flatly deny it and get on your high horse about is so odd

Exactly, I can't fathom not wanting to know and just going "la la la, nope everything's alright here"

Whose house and where was it? Whet was he doing there? Who fought and what was the fight about? Why did he flee and abandon your son?
Why don’t you want the answers to these questions?!*

Those would be the exact questions I would need answering if it was my 10 year old. It's not raking over it or asking for trouble or unsettling your son or whatever, it's just wanting to know what happened!

Yeah - excusing wrong 'uns does lead one to conclude that the OP might also be a wrong 'un herself. Maybe that's harsh - but that's what I am thinking and clearly I'm not alone!

We would have been beyond furious if anything remotely like this happened to our boys.

I don't understand, if this was a genuine post, 1) why the OP is so defensive she is attacking posters who are pointing out what may well be the reality of the situation. I'm afraid I could not let this rest and would have to sensitively get to the bottom of this with my child. 2) why she didn't pass on his name to the police if she thinks everything was so innocent? 3) why the police were searching the property? 4) why OP is constantly stating that "of course it's not drugs or grooming!" Does she not live in the real World? If there is any possiblity that there could have been (even if she believes it's just a slim one), why isn't she trying to find out?

I could care less if people thought I was exaggerating, or pointlessly arguing with strangers on MN, the pressing priority would be the safety of my child.

I think you have to be the most naive person I've ever come across on Mumsnet, and that's saying a lot. Your son was put in a dangerous situation yesterday by an adult man, and you've confidently chosen to protect this man by not even giving his name to the police?
It is absolutely not the norm for male relatives to spend every day with a 10 year old family member. Surely you would question why he needs to be in his company most days? This screams alarm bells and you are being nothing short of neglectful by ignoring this and burying your head in the sand.
Your poor son. You're right about one thing, you should delete your account, get off the Internet and protect your child.

We all think we know what happens to our children, that they'll be open and honest to us.

So why are there such cases of historical abuse?

If my child had been found hiding in a cupboard I would be doing all I could to find out exactly who these people are and why my child had been around them at all!
For a disturbance to be that bad that neighbours call the police, that speaks volumes.

OP says her cousin's boyfriend wouldn't do X/Y/Z yet her forgot he had a child with him and left him behind, terrified with people he didn't know!! 💯 The day prior to this happening, OP would have sworn black and blue that this person would never "forget" he had her child!

Something about this doesn't add up. Whether the BF is into something dodgy or this child has been subject to some sort of abuse because this isn't just some random one off incident. It's just the first OP is hearing of it.

@iamstillfuming i know it feels like people are getting at you.
You don’t need the piiice details to contact them, you phone 101 and explain and ask for the local police to contact you. Or you go to the local station and ask. It will have been reported to social services, so you doing this gets ahead of it. If they turn up and you haven’t enquired what happened it will look bad. You contacting the police and showing interest when social services come around or contacting them yourself, reassures them you can protect your son.

I know you say there is no abuse, but that’s what everything thinks until they find out.

the child most at risk of county lines is the one whose parents think it will never happen to them. Especially the ones who can't see anything wrong with an older man constantly taking a child out, to strange houses, where fights break out and the police need to be called. You clearly know something dodgy is going on as you wouldn't give his name to the police. why you don't want to protect your son is anyone's guess.

I ddin't read all the thread but tell your husband, OP. You did NOT overreact but if your husband finds out from someone else (social services? Police? He will fund out trust me) then he will be even more angry for hiding this from him. What happened was not your fault, but make sure you are in the same boat and never allow the bastard to take your son again. Poor kid he must have been terrified I would have blown up and I don't have kids!

You are not over-reacting of exaggerating at all!

What he did to your son was atrocious. Imagine scaring a little boy like that and only being worried for himself.

Again, you are not over-reacting.

Oh, no, no no. Absolutely NO. It is NOT sick to question if a man is a possible paedophile when he has been left alone with a child and behaved badly. Particularly when few facts are known it is a PERFECTLY rational question. It is safeguarding.

It is horrifying and truly bizarre that it makes you feel sick to be asked this question, and shows that you are not going to be able to see any red flags. You also have NO IDEA AT ALL. NONE. if your child would tell you.

This is a VERY dangerous belief and a VERY dangerous way to look at the reality that men sometimes rape and abuse children and that friends and family are the most dangerous people of all to children.

You need to educate yourself far better, not because anybody necessarily raped or abused your son this time but because you are utterly clueless and if your son meets a paedophile he will see you both as easy meat. Nonces love gullible women who can't even bear talking about or acknowledging such realities. You're their dream come true.

That's the obvious interpretation, but why give the details she has? They're more identifying than saying he was so frightened he hid and was brought home by the police.

It beggars belief that the police haven't done or said more. It also doesn't stack up she won't name the cousin's boyfriend and they haven't followed up.

@Needtosoundoffandbreathe

From the OP: ‘when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe’.

Couldn’t or wouldn’t?

Always worrying when a parent blithely says 'No secrets in this family, my child tells me everything, I'd sense if anything was wrong'. They so often don't.

You seem very sure that nothing untoward happened (apart from being abandoned in a noisy, chaotic random person’s house and having to hide in a wardrobe before being rescued by the police ) and are upset that people are worried about your cousin’s boyfriend’s relationship with your son. Instead of seriously listening to other posters concerns, you have chosen to express your disgust at these posters genuine worries. When you tell your husband, I am sure he will not be as confident as you in your cousin’s boyfriend’s intentions. Don’t post unless you want to hear uncomfortable truths.

This was the impression I was getting too, I grew up around this sort of thing and it was quite horrific at times looking back at it, but then it was normalised on our estate and we didn't think much of it at the time as a child.

The thing that doesn't quite sit right with me though, if this was a mate he'd gone to and an argument broke out, why would he flee? Not only flee the house, but leave a 10 year old boy behind?

That's the bit that OP is failing spectacularly to grasp, this really doesn't sound like mates having a fall out, it sounds like something serious happened and the cousin was too frightened to stay, most probably because the police attended, but why would any normal person babysitting their 10 year old 'nephew' feel the need to flee the police at all costs?

The cousin was very much up to no good that day in one way or the other, but hey, as long as OP gets a free babysitting service she doesn't seem very bothered by it.

The OP said she has told her husband in a post last night.

OP's post yesterday at 20:48 =
I do not have the details of the police, they did ask for his details I told them I am not willing to give them his name, as much as what he did was wrong I would never do that to him.

The Police have arrived unexpectedly at her door with her 10 year old and instead of asking what's happened OP goes to this, not giving the Uncle's name. Deduction - OP knew, or suspected, there was something unlawful going on at this house. But her question in her original post is - AM I EXAGGERATING in being angry and falling out with the Uncle and her cousin. Her concern is that these long time family and friends are calling her out for being angry. Not that her son was somehow caught up in what we see as a dangerous and unlawful situation. Madness. Absolute madness.

There you go assuming again, when did I tell you that my son is spending everyday with him???! Why would you even think that.

It is so disgusting how people here jump to conclusions and make weird pathetic assumptions!

My son sees my cousin, him and his cousins roughly about once a week and my cousins boyfriend is not always around.

Once I find out how to close my account I’m gone, I can’t deal with the pathetic assumptions!