Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

wtf no you aren’t I can’t believe they think you’re…. What even happened

Yes. Something illegal was going on in that house which this man was involved in, he took your son there and abandoned him when the police raided. Of course he didn’t’forget’ the poor child was with him. And now the child won’t speak- because he’s been told not to. Your son has been used in some way, has been in danger and may still be in danger because of what he knows. You and his dad need to work out how to protect him, not worry about falling out with your cousin.

For those who have said I need to tell my husband I told him last night and it has been agreed that our son will not see him or my cousin again.

Like I said I don’t want to hear anything about grooming or SA because I know that it hasn’t happened, so you can sit there speculate and assume and I will not be questioning my child neither.

If Social Services do pay me a visit I will cooperate with them, but until then we will be getting on with life and try and forget what happened, we are going on holiday next week.

I honestly hope to the heavens you’re right OP. For your poor child’s sake.

If they don’t get in contact with you then it will be a massive failing of the police for not putting the referral in so SS can make sure your son is safe. Someone should.

You 'know' no such thing.

Before yesterday you would have swore blind that this man would never have taken your son to a random house, frightened him with 'an altercation' and left him behind. But here we are!

You are either extremely naive or too desperate to believe that whatever had been going on hasn't seriously damaged your child. You need to look the very real possibilities in the face. It doesn't mean drugs or abuse have happened but you've done absolutely nothing to check, and you don't know anything except that you hope it hasn't. Your judgement about this man has, after all, been seriously wrong so far, hasn't it? He's done something you would never have expected already.

I applaud you for stopping contact with these people but you are protecting your own peace of mind over making sure you get to the bottom of whatever has been going on with your son and making sure you address it. Not asking him more probing questions is protecting you from things you might not want to hear, not protecting your son.

Not even asking the police what had actually happened(!) will make it look like you know very well what's been going on; refusing to give 'uncle's' name will look like you are protecting this random man over your son's welfare. I would be very surprised if SS don't get involved after that.

I'm sorry to be brutal but you really need to risk hearing things you would rather not to properly protect your son. It might be nothing - let's hope so - but you're currently willfully blinding yourself to any possibilities that might make you feel worse.

I'm assuming that you. yourself, were still in a bit of shock when you posted.

Having read all of your posts, I'm not surprised that you're really cross with the boyfriend.

That said, luckily your son is okay. If SS does get involved and monitor your family for a little while, they will quickly see that your son is usually well looked after and there are no ongoing concerns.

You say that your son loves your cousin and her boyfriend, you say he gets on really well with her three girls. I think just suddenly cutting them all off and never seeing them again could be quite damaging. Family relationships are important.

Your cousin's boyfriend has shown a shocking lack of judgement and while I wouldn't be letting your son go out with him for a long time, I wouldn't stop the relationship completely. Surely with you supervising, the kids playing together, general family stuff will all be fine.

I'd suggest you and your husband meet your cousin and her boyfriend for coffee somewhere. Have a good chat, let them know that this can never happen again and that for the foreseeable future, there will be no unsupervised days out. It's good for kids, especially during the teen years, to have other relatives they can talk to. You might not be able to picture it now, but when your son is 14 or 15, and he's hormonal and like all teens, 'misunderstood' by his parents, it's great for them to have other adults in their lives to talk to.

Also, I know you're still angry now, but maybe apologise for the remarks you made that were very personal.

You haven't overreacted in the moment, but there is a middle ground, where your son is not at risk, but some family relationships can still continue. After all, your son has been enjoying spending time with these people for years, you completely trusted them, if this truly is a never to be repeated thing, don't blow up the family over it.

You sound very much in denial.
I would be calling the police to find out more details on exactly what happened and why they went to that house.
I also think rather than brushing it under the carpet you need to look at support for your son - you make the point about him being sensitive and (to your knowledge) never exposed to any violence yet you now just want to forget about it. He is old enough to know something bad/potentially bad was happening. He will remember being left and having to hide (again this is something you are ignoring - you say he hid in a wardrobe, these are mostly upstairs so what on earth was he doing upstairs in some strangers house?). There are so many questions that go unanswered and you simply want to move on and pretend it never happened. This again could be damaging for your child to not discuss it.

This is actually insane.

Apologise? For being disrespectful?

This isn’t a disagreement over a parking space.

This is a child’s safety. A child that now knows what it is like to be brought home by the police because he was not safe for whatever reason. A situation that has arisen from one parent misjudging a person and that person putting a 10 year old boy in a completely avoidable position of being unsafe, even if it was somehow innocent.

Yes, family relationships are important but that relies on mutual respect and trust. Does that sound like it’s happening here?

Apologise? Actually mental.

You need to realise that children can be groomed and abused by the 'nicest' of family members, OP.

They are predators. They can be charming, kind, amazing manipulators, and they get away with it because people like you think it'll never happen to their children, that you'd 'know'.

I would 100% want every detail of exactly what was happening at the house your son was left in, why, and how the police found him.

You don't have the truth yet and your poor 10 year old son has been at risk.

Stop putting your head in the sand.

Quoted the wrong comment

So you " don't want to hear about grooming or SA"? Atleast you're being honest. But you not wanting to hear about it doesn't make it not having happened.

You have decided to forget about it because you're going on vacation ??? Believe me, your son will never forget about it. I haven't judged you until now but I have to say that this is clearly child neglect and I do hope SS will come and help your son. You're just as bad as the uncle if you don't help your son deal with what he's been through in counselling.

This is horrifically poor advice. I hope you don't have children. Your post even suggests letting the boyfriend see the son in the future? After what happened?? Are you actually insane? This reminds me of folk back in the day who used to brush family abuse under the rug and make excuses for the mistreatment of kids and always side with the abusers.

I can't believe your batting away every suggestion people are making, especially when you say yourself you don't know what happened. I hope the police do contact social services, your son had to hide in a wardrobe when out with someone you say you trust ! And the man is only interested in your son not contacting the police, and your only worry is that you're exaggerating the situation 🙄 if I knew you I'd tell your husband as he seems the only one to advocate for your son.

OP you say that your cousins boyfriend is not grooming your son but I wonder if you understand the range of behaviours that might be used to groom a child.

You say in your OP that when the police arrived your son only spoke to them to give your number; surely he would have wanted to know where his "uncle" had gone? Who taught your son not to speak to the police? Was that you or your cousins boyfriend? Anyone telling a child to conceal something from their parents or authority figures to protect an adult is grooming that child. Children should never be taught to lie or withold information to protect adults from the consequences of their actions. You have no idea what promises or threats your cousins boyfriend might have made to make your son keep his secrets.

Your cousins boyfriend said he sent someone back to get your son. Who was that person? Why aren't you concerned that the man your son left your house with just assigned some random stranger to go and collect your son from a house because he forgot him.

There are so many questions you don't seem to want answers to and I'm baffled by your lack of curiosity. I think you know there is criminal activity involved here and yet you are still trying to protect your cousins boyfriend. I can't imagine social services will be impressed with that.

“They said there was a disturbance and a neighbour had called them to attend, I didn't ask them anything else. I just wanted to attend to my child”…..
Your son was at some random house where the police attended due to a report of disturbance and you didn’t even ask them anything? And you think it’s acceptable to keep this from the child’s father? FFS OP, how will you explain all this if SS deem it necessary to follow this up?

The husband now knows, thank goodness.

Hopefully he’s more practical and less naive. The son might have a chance then.

I sure as hell hope this thread isnt real. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!

You dont know anything about the situation your son was found in?! You didn't bother asking the police for full details, are refusing to ask your son what happened and want to keep his father in the dark and insist its not sa because you have known him years?!

Why is this man taking an unrelated ten year old boy with him everywhere when he has his own children?!

This entire situation is disturbing.

I think the whole family is dodgy as fuck. That’s why OP is “keeping out of it” and not giving the BF’s name to the police. This is standard behaviour for them all.

Yes it seems rather strange that the son only said his mum's number, surely he would have been asked why he was in the house. As another poster asked above, who has taught him to lie to the police or to give no comment? Is it the dodgy cousins boyfriend or his own family?

I also wonder more about why no one thought it weird that cousins boyfriend wants to be close to the son. He has 3 kids of his own and the idea that the nephew is a boy and this explains it is a bit odd in itself. At a young age children will be into anything - not this is a boy activity/girl activity and a lot of kids still just want to go to the park. Why would he want to take the nephew out alone and not take any of his daughters along too? I could understand it more if he was taking the boy out thinking he would be lonely and like to hang out with the cousins, so it seems odd for him to want to get him alone.

And what were his own Mum and Dad (OP & her DH) doing instead on a Sunday summers day not being with their only child?

Ok now I’m questioning whether this is a real post… surely not with this latest response and the 100’s of us all saying the same thing. Either that or you’re in on it and god forbid a spot of abuse and neglect ruin your holiday next week.
If the story about the police is true and they dropped him off and merrily went on their way then this boy has been let down by the police too.
But it’s all so horrificly wrong for so many reasons it can’t be. But at least it’s a good message to anyone else deeming it acceptable to let their kid spend time with a groomer they barely know. I’m not an advocate for kids with mobiles but if you do let your kid spend time with adults you don’t know maybe get them a mobile and track them and let them contact you safely.

Sure, stick your head in the sand about it. Who cares what your 10 year old son was exposed to in that house…

My son is NOT good with strangers, whether they are the police or not, so he would never interact with them. Stop jumping to conclusions my son has never heard the phrase “no comment”

It just seems very weird he didn't at least say he was with his uncle or whatever he calls him.

I also find this post strange in that you think this will be the end of it.

I agree with the post above. Considering everyone here is concerned about drugs and your son being groomed surely the police will be too and they won't just be leaving it there. Surely they would be following up with your son and yourself so you are properly informed of what happened....the fact you give no indication of this again leads me to think this is all a wind up.

sigh and eye roll

It can be an action of giving no comment, not just the phrase.

You are just spoiling for a fight rather than taking on board the overwhelming amount of comments that do actually detail why you are minimising this and why that is a problem.

How are you going to answer a SS worker if they point out the obvious to you like we have here?