Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

Also he’s not an uncle, he’s the bf of her cousin.

You say you hope your son forgets now OP. I have a very good relationship with both my parents and always have but things happened to me outside of the family home when I was younger than your son. Up until a few years ago I never told my parents what happened. At first it was because I was afraid I would be in trouble, that I had somehow caused what happened and then as time went on it became harder and harder to talk about so I ate my feelings instead. I am now 41 and the memories of the fear I felt then have never left me. If your son was equally afraid he too may never shake the fear until he feels safe to let his feelings out without judgement. Tomorrow hold your son, let him know he can tell you anything about the incident and he won’t be in any trouble and see what he says.

Absolutely this.
He was up to something dodgy, illegal, likely drugs, and ran.
Left your child to be found by the police..

OP is more concerned about protecting this lowlife than finding out what she probably knows only too well happened.

Hopefully the police will pass this to SS.
God knows what her son has been exposed.

Sorry I was rather late to the party, I was just reading through the post and decided to leave a comment like many many others have and probably will continue to do regardless whether she’s said goodnight.. didn’t realise these threads stop when the OP goes to bed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

It’s a bit weird OP and he’s not even a relative.

He might not be perfect but I know he would never ever harm my child in any way.

I am just very disappointed in him, never did I ever think he would leave my son no matter how bad the situation was.

So you knew he was a risk, you knew he could get into "situations", and you know he isn't suitable to be looking after your child but you let him take him here there and everywhere without knowing where he even is?? Anything could have happened to him in that house, and if the police hadn't turned up you'd still be none the wiser and still letting him take your son to these dodgy dealings.

I do not have the details of the police, they did ask for his details I told them I am not willing to give them his name, as much as what he did was wrong I would never do that to him.

Why? He left your child behind in a house where people were fighting and god knows what else was going on without a second thought.. if it was entirely innocent and you knew he had no actual involvement in anything dodgy then why would you need to protect him from the police?

I was worried about Social Services classing this as neglect, and if they do visit me I will not hide from them.

It seems this is why you don't why to pry too deeply into what happened or rock the boat, you mention social services and neglect twice, so there is obviously a history there you are concerned about. The cousins boyfriend is quite obviously bad news but while he was a free babysitting service you've happily turned a blind eye!

I hope this is the wake up call that you needed.

What’s unclear to me is whether you’re being vague about the details of the situation of how your son was found because this is the internet (understandable) or whether you never bothered to find out the details for yourself (not understandable)?

I mean I know you say the boyfriend has been in the family for a while now but him taking your 10yr old son out alone, it sounds like without your cousin even present, is weird enough to begin with to be quite honest.

If I were you, I wouldn’t be on mumsnet trying to figure out if you over-exaggerated in your anger towards your cousin and her bf. I’d be spending my time trying to figure out the details of what exactly went on, what did your son see and hear. I suspect this was more than just a house disturbance that got called in but criminal activity was likely taking place. Sorry for your son. Please be a bit more cautious about the kind of people you entrust him into their care with when you’re not around.

Drugs. Don’t do drugs kids.

Why on earthhhh did you hand over your child to some boyfriend of your extended family?!?!?! What happened couldn’t be predicted by you, it is NOT your fault and I’m not implying as much, but I cannot get past why you’d hand your DC over to some bloke, that’s terrifying. Poor kid. I’m a bit overprotective of my own 10yr old who only ever goes to my Mum (or school, obviously) when not with me so I could be a biased but still.
Either way, I hope your boy is ok.

This has actually made me feel sad, the thought of how frightened he must of been hiding in there. The fact the police were searching through wardrobes seems to indicate something more than a drunken argument for example, was going on in that house. The property may already be on their radar.

I will be surprised if the police do not make a referral to the safeguarding team, as they may be concerned he is subjected to this type of thing on a regular basis. The cousin clearly knows the score, if her first concern was about whether her partner had been identified to the police or not.

I really hope he is ok after that scary ordeal 😢

OK, I will bite, since no one else has.
This is deeply odd territory: lack of education, small horizons, violence and crime as everyday norms. No one likes a grass.
No one involved in this situation is going to react with reason, only self preservation. If you screw your eyes up very tighly, it will all go away.
Protecting 'family' no matter what they do...

Sadly this is a class issue, and one that won't jive positively with Mumsnet. None of us here are going to make a dent in this, unfortunately. It's a different world.

She's not protective at all. Completely the opposite. She's neglectful and harmful to her son.

The only coward here is you. Your poor boy deserves a better mother.

The naivety of the OP is the most astounding thing here. You seem to not be listening to others but to anyone else who thinks that because you “know he’d never do something like that” or that “my child tells me everything and we have a great relationship “ means they can’t be be being abused…this is an extremely dangerous view to take.
Plus the uncle/cousin immediately trying to patch things up with a bike is setting off alarm bells. Grooming or trying to pay his way out of something is a serious sign he shouldn’t have been trusted.
Letting this relationship get to this point has been naive and dangerous

I have read some of PPs posts, and all of yours @iamstillfuming, and you must be feeling very confused and upset (as well as quite rightly being fuming with your cousin and her partner), as you have never seen that side of your DS's "uncle" before.

I don't think anyone here is saying you were wrong to trust your close cousin's partner, as you and your family have known him for many years, and he is your DNieces father. However, many of us have witnessed over the years TV news reports, and reputable newspapers reports, about close friends and family members, abusing their child. It is almost unbelievable the amount of parents, step-parents, or other family members, who sexually abuse, one or more children in their own families. So many of them seem to have got away with it in the past, and there are probably, and tragically, just as many of them still abusing their children today.

From what I have heard and read, the abuser often wants - or says that they want - the abused child to feel "special" and "loved", and to not realise that what their daddy, or uncle, etc, is doing is wrong, and that they are "just" showing how much they love the child by giving them a very secret and special type of love. A love which unfortunately the other family members would not understand. The abuser would often tell the child something like 'if their mummy found out, then mummy would be either very sad and cry a lot, which the child obviously wouldn't want, or she would be very angry with him/her, her child.

In the majority of cases that do go to Court, it nearly always comes out that the other parent, or both parents if not involved, were absolutely convinced that the person found to be the abuser was completely trusted, and that it didn't even cross their minds that the accused could be the sort of person who would abuse any child, never mind her own. When they eventually find out that they were wrong, because the person they trusted, and possibly loved very much (eg child's father, step-father, grandfather, uncle etc) had indeed abused the child in such an evil way, they are obviously absolutely devastated and distraught that he could have done such things.

@iamstillfuming, I believe you that you believe that your DS's "uncle" would never harm him on purpose - hence you being so shocked when you found out that he had abandoned your DS in a strange, and potentially dangerous house - but you have already had proved to you that that is exactly what happened, so you already know that your cousin's partner is not who you thought he was. The only people who we know for sure about what goes on in their minds, is ourselves. We can never be 100% certain about anyone else, even though to function properly in life, we do have to trust that we are right about those closest to us in our lives, until something makes us start to wonder. Unfortunately, a partner of a family member, is never one that we should trust completely, unless we have really known them very well, all of our lives, and even then as I said before, we can never totally trust someone else. Please don't think that you cannot be deceived OP, as every single one of us can be.

Having said all that, with what little knowledge we now have of your situation, it is probably much more likely that your cousin's partner has been involved in either buying or selling drugs for a long time now. How unlucky would he - your cousin's partner - have been if the first time he was involved in, or the first time he took your DS to one of these "meetings", the shit hit the fan, and the police got involved? Most of us OP would want to deny that anything awful could have been happening to our own DC, unfortunately, none of us can afford to do so, not when we have our beautiful children to protect. I really, really hope that all of us who are smelling something stinking of gone off fish, are completely wrong, but I think that you really do need to contact the police again, and explain your worries. By the way, and sorry to be the bearer of potentially even more bad news, your refusal to give your cousin's partner's name to the police makes it far more likely that SS will be involved. If that man, I am fed-up of calling him "ycp", has done nothing wrong, and has nothing to hide, it won't matter in the slightest if you give the police his name, and if he has, then they should have his name...

This sounds dodgy af. I wouldn’t be leaving my son alone with a random bloke he wasn’t related to in the first place. Ridiculously naive of you.

I agree with all of this apart from you said “I don’t think anyone is saying you’re to blame for trusting your cousins partner”. I very much am. He’s not even a relative and has only erm in his life 3 years. She is accountable here too.

It sounds like your cousin's partner is involved in something dodgy.

Maybe just look after your own child?

This! The whole thing is super weird!

The ‘concerned’ family members and friends giving you a hard time need to give their heads a wobble. They are prioritising your cousin’s boyfriend over the safety of your son - who is a child!
You’re very far from exaggerating the seriousness of this.

Please understand that some of the worst abuse happens within families, even between people who have known each other since birth. This man could be grooming your son for something far more sinister. Just because someone has been in your life for years does not make them safe. That applies to anyone in your family or circle.

I hope you are not naive enough to think this is just a one off mistake or that an apology makes it right. Normal adults who care about protecting children do not take them to dangerous houses and then leave them there. Something happened here and he is up to something. Either way, he is not safe and you should not be trusting anyone with your child, especially when your judgement of that person cannot be trusted.

I am not saying grooming definitely happened, but one on one attention between a child and an adult who is not their parent is not always safe. In an ideal world it would be safe, but in reality this is often how grooming starts. Some people are so skilled at manipulation that they target the parents or guardians first, gaining their trust before they even start on the child. This means it can happen to anyone, even the smartest and most paranoid parent in the world. Your son being alone with him, being given special attention, and being offered gifts like a bike should set alarm bells ringing. At best, he has shown appalling judgement. At worst, he has been deliberately working to gain your son’s trust for the wrong reasons.

You need to treat this as a serious safeguarding concern. Cut all unsupervised contact immediately. Do not let guilt, pressure from family, or his apologies change your mind. Watch for changes in your son’s behaviour, encourage him to talk, and arrange therapy so he has a safe place to speak. If anything feels wrong, go to the police. Your job is to protect your child, even if that means upsetting people in your family. I am sorry to be so blunt, but this kind of situation makes me genuinely scared for your child.

You need to tell your husband. Your cousin can’t be trusted with him. Family or not.

Don't be daft, anything you said was well and truly earned.

He should never be left alone in the presence of either of them again, and you should also be doing your best to avoid them completely. And don't lie about it either, if anyone asks just factually tell them the truth and say you can't allow your son to be around that, because they will be lying to try to paint you a villain.

He harmed your child. What he did literally harmed your child. Get your head out the sand and stop being so naive. Tell your husband asap.

Every word of this is absolutely correct. At minimum they WERE grooming him to hang around unsafe, dangerous people and lie to the police.

OP you should be absolutely enraged and do anything you need to make sure you protect your son from these people. Anyone who disagrees with your outrage is flying a red flag.