To think adult children owe their parents nothing?

[CandidDenimSeal]

We always hear “after all I did for you” but children don’t ask to be born. AIBU to think adult kids don’t automatically owe their parents loyalty, care or contact just because of biology?

I agree, although it varies by culture. My late in-laws were of a different culture to me, and they seemed to think they could freeload off my ex and I . Well...that didn't happen.

Not always true.

Mine owes me €3.75 as I beat him at poker last night and he hasn't stumped up yet.

Yawn. You should try to vary your writing style, OP.

you are right of course but im sure you will still look forward to any inheritance

Well outside of the world of mumsnet most of us do love our ageing parents and want to help them.

No one asks to be born- that is an irrational notion. Yes, adult children do owe care and love to parents, as long it isreasonable and non-exploitative. Of course, it all depends on the nature of relationship that the parent and child share.

Ah, the classic Mumsnet refrain: nobody owes anybody anything, anybody who expects anything from you is an entitled CF, we’re all fiercely individualistic and that’s just dandy!

Never heard ‘after all I did for you’ from my parents. I’m helping and supporting them in their old age because I love them and want them to be as safe and secure as possible.

I don't get this transactional view of relationships.

It's not about the fact you 'owe' your parents something. It's about the fact you care about them and want to see them and support them.

I could not disagree more and I will be moving my mum into my house by 2027, hopefully. Not interested in that angsty teen " I didn't ask to be born' warcry. My mum needs me far more than my adult children.

But yes, OP, don't you get tired of these threads all framed in the same way?

If that’s how you feel then so be it. Personally I feel sad for you but I’m sure you’ll get over that.

I disagree, and find this attitude to be extraordinarily cold and inhumane. Assuming there's no backstory of hideous abuse, wouldn't you want to visit and assist your parents when they get older? It's an honour and a privilege to be able to do so.

You want to help them because you love them. I don’t think OP is saying that is wrong. I think she’s just saying it’s not an automatic “I’m your parent and therefore you must look after me because you owe me!”

I think it depends a lot on the family. Lovely close nit family where parents supported and encouraged their children and perhaps made sacrifices, children might help out of love. Less supportive, caring parents who are demanding support, usually from their daughters, not sons much. In some cultures there is a very high expectation which I see as suffocating but those in that culture do not.

My parents didn't ask to be born either!

OP are you 15? This is exactly the nonsense my DD spouts ‘I didn’t ask to be born’, it’s pathetic

Just as long as adult offspring don't expect free babysitting/childcare, handouts or inheritance, sounds like a cool concept.

🤣

I don't think you owe parents care, etc. However, assuming you had a positive childhood, I think you're a twat if you don't care about or visit your parents as an adult.

We're very selfish and individualistic in this country tbh. People moan about not having a village, but put no effort into building one.

It's only after having my own kids that I realise how hard my mum especially worked looking after and caring for us. Unless your parents were neglectful and abusive then I think we should want to help and care for our family (obviously within reason). I hope my own children will help me out if I'm ever in need in my old age. This argument of 'I never asked to be born' is childish and selfish.

What about those of us who had shot childhoods, who felt unloved and unwanted by their parents.

Yes I had a roof over my head and food on the table but there was no love or emotional support and it has given me years in and out of therapy, of self loathing and self sabotage.

Do I owe my aging mother my time, love and financial support?

I’ll tell you now she won’t be getting anything from me! And before people come for me there really won’t be much inheritance at all (lots of siblings) and wouldn’t care if I’d been cut out of the will anyway.

It is true though. No one asks. That is why it is not a given that children should care for you. With a good relationship they should want too.

🙄

No. You do not owe them at all. Anyone who says otherwise I would not trust an inch.

This is a very black & white way to view relationships and life in general. You could equally say that parents owe children nothing beyond the basic food, shelter and education that the legal system insists they supply. And then at age 18, the kids can go out on their own and the relationship dies a death. A very simple transactional relationship where no-one offers anything beyond the bare minimum.

But most parents strive to provide more for their children; a cosy home, nice clothes, food they enjoy eating, perhaps an occasional holiday, helping them with homework, picking them up from the nightclub at 3am.

Do I think my kids 'owe' me for being a decent parent? No.
Do I hope they'd see that there were occasions where I went above & beyond, perhaps made myself uncomfortable or inconvenienced myself to ensure their wellbeing? Yes.

Boundaries can be healthy.
Applying boundaries and rules to every walk of life is not.

The world would be a far nicer place if people were willing to help each other every now and then without viewing it as something to be added to an imaginary ledger of 'owing' each other.