To think adult children owe their parents nothing?

[CandidDenimSeal]

We always hear “after all I did for you” but children don’t ask to be born. AIBU to think adult kids don’t automatically owe their parents loyalty, care or contact just because of biology?

When my children grow up, they owe me nothing. My selfish choice to have children. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hmm, it’s all individual. My parents gave me what I believe were the basic expectations of parenting. And they cared about me, and I believe tried their best for the time (was a different time). They never indicated I owed them anything and they never expected anything. But, I wanted to do what I could to make sure they were comfortable and looked after in old age. Huge distance involved, a decent plane flight, but I’d still do what I could when I could. None of this transactional Mumsnet rubbish.

As a parent, I chose to have a child because I wanted one, and therefore I do not feel that she owes me anything. Not only is it my responsibility to provide and care for her, but it was my desire and my choice.

I was, however, raised by a woman who believes that by having me, I am indebted to her for life. She sees her children as what they can do for her rather than the other way around. She has treated us with scorn, contempt, disgust, disdain and abuse every day of our lives yet expects our lives to be lived completely to serve her endless needs. She has also refused to even acknowledge that we deserve adult lives of our own just as she was free to have. Quite simply, her life matters more, and we are seen as a mere extension of it.

I went NC years ago and only wish I did it sooner. None of her children speak to her, actually. So no, I don't believe children owe their parents anything. No healthy relationship should be built around one person owing the other.

Black and white answer is no. Obviously things aren't that easy.

Depends.
I’d have done anything for my parents who were fantastic people as well as supportive loving parents. Sadly neither got old enough to need looking after.
DH’s parents were not in anyway abusive, but dis-interested probably describes them, they also had no interest in our kids. Now seem surprised him and siblings are not prepared to drop everything and help them now they’re getting doddery. You make your own luck on this one I think!
I hope our DC will look out for us if we’re fortunate enough to get old, but neither do I want them sacrificing their own lives to provide practical care.

My child owes me about £100k which i lent them to buy a house 🤣

Legally no you don’t owe your parents anything but most, not all, children have a nice relationship with family and want to make sure all members are ok.
Im in my 50’s and know my parents would drop everything to help me, I would do the same for them.

Very immature OP. If it's about oweing and duty, then a parent who provides food and shelter and financial support is doing their job correctly. Yet we all know that children need a lot more than these things and most importantly need love and emotional support. I don't think parents are owed financial support in exchange for raising children but they are entitled to expect to some extent love and emotional support. That might mean a weekly phone call or annual visit or occasional help with things, it does not have to be a strain. Even if the love part is difficult, there should be at least some degree of loyalty and respect. Just as a parent should respect a child's life choices and accept them for who they are, an adult child should show the same respect and acceptance.

I like to think I have a good relationship with mine and I want him to want to spend time with me but he certainly doesn't owe me 24/7 care and I don't have the right to take over his whole life, that's up to me to make provisions for my own care. It might mean less inheritance for him but at least he keeps his freedom.

I think "after all I did for you" is toxic parenting.

DH mother would do that constantly and kept score of any little help she gave him as adults, expecting to be properly "repaid".

My parents otoh gave and give freely, as they are able, out of unconditional love. Tbh until I got involved with DH I didn't realise parents like that existed.

Unless there was abuse/neglect then I think we owe it to our parents to be loyal and caring when they’re old. Whether we ask to be born is irrelevant imo.

It is quite toxic agree "all we did for you". My mother churns this out regularly. We do what we can. I know parents who changed Wills when kids didnt obey. Not nice. We help out yes. People have own lives too

I completely agree.
Nobody asks to be born.
As a parent it’s your job to do all you can for your children. To help them become functioning and capable adults to the best of their ability.
That’s the minimum you should do.

Even if you do more than that your children owe you nothing.
I say that as the parent of a 30 year old DD.
She owes me nothing.

Well you might not but I actually love and adore my parents, my sibling and I felt the same about my grandparents before they died. My husband feels the same about his family. I do owe them because they have gone above and beyond to show me the world and all the amazing things in it, they have been generous with their time, their love and financially.

I think there's a massive difference between an adult child recognising they have great parents and being grateful for that, wanting to thank them in multiple ways l, and a parent who tells them how grateful they should be.

'urgh. so UNFAIR. I didn't ASK to be BORN!'

(Actual footage of OP)

Totally agree, OP.

Yes, I agree. My kids don’t owe me anything and my parents never told me I owed them. I did look after them as they got older but only because I wanted to. I’ve told my kids not to ever feel obliged to stay close to me geographically and to just go wherever life takes them. I have a very good relationship with them so I hope visiting me in the future will never seem like a chore to be ticked off.

But I should be grateful. And if I wasn’t then I would absolutely expect to be told I wasn’t.

That’s different though because it’s coming from you voluntarily.

Would you feel the same way if they had drummed it into you throughout your life that you should be grateful?

Strictly no, but I think this whole culture of who owes who what is fucking horrible frankly. I have a very difficult relationship with my mum and I don't owe her anything but then I don't view our relationship in those terms in the first place.

My parents died long before they needed anything from me so I would have loved that option tbh. My own children are adults, I don't need anything from them as such but I treasure the time we spend together and they seem to enjoy it too. We have just come back from a holiday together that was great fun. I have no expectations if I live to be elderly and frail (losing your parents as a teen removes that certainty) but I'd like to hope that they visited or phoned occasionally. I cared for and supported in laws even though they weren't my parents simply because I loved them a great deal.

I’ve never heard that comment said to my mom or dad by a grandparent, neither my mom or dad have ever said this to me and neither dh or I have ever said or thought this to our trio.

Where does that end though?
You could say I shouldn’t be forced to go to work and support myself when I didn’t even ask for a life?
Or why should I contribute to a society I didn’t ask to be part of.

Some people do think this.
Those who think it and are depressed enough will end their lives.

Those are not depressed might do enough work to eat and have a roof over their heads - making the best of a bad situation.

I am always perplexed by those who see this argument as a gotcha. Some people live on the fringes of society by choice - or participate (within the law) in their own terms.