To think adult children owe their parents nothing?

[CandidDenimSeal]

We always hear “after all I did for you” but children don’t ask to be born. AIBU to think adult kids don’t automatically owe their parents loyalty, care or contact just because of biology?

I agree. And I think all the PPs saying they love their parents and therefore want to care for them are basically agreeing with the OP. They are doing it out of love, not an obligation that is owed.

Absolutely agree. Any obligation falls squarely the other way round.

Agreed. There is no contradiction.

Also 15 year olds can occasionally be correct 😅 even if they say it in a sulky tone. The truth is the truth no matter who says it. Believing otherwise is a fallacy.

I didn’t vote either way because I think it’s entirely contextual.

My parents have been absolutely brilliant to me for as long as I can remember. I couldn’t have asked for better parents. I genuinely feel that I owe it to them to make sure they are looked after. I see them every week (sometimes more) and would step in if they needed additional support/care etc. However, they would never say that I owe them anything. They have always made it clear that as far as they’re concerned, their job is to teach me to live without them.

I don’t think that parents should lean on adult children too much emotionally or guilt them (I.e MIL guilting DH for us moving house further away from her by 10 minutes).

If your parents have been shit, neglectful, cruel, narcissistic, selfish etc then no I don’t think their adult children ‘owe’ them anything.

I’ve never heard anyone say that…

Well, it depends on the nature of each individual relationship, doesn't it?

But, ultimately nobody lives in isolation, we are all part of society and part of enjoying the benefits of that comes with responsibilities as well, which includes responsibilities to your family and not just, y'know, sacking them off when you have no more use for them.

Your first paragraph more or less describes my parents attitude to raising us! Except change 18 to 16. I’m not sure why they had us to be honest. It’s really distressing to look back - I had no idea how odd it was until I saw how other families are with each other.

This attitude is only possible because we will have a welfare state that will pick up the pieces at the taxpayer’s expense when family fail to support their aging relatives. In the old days there would have been a social expectation that adult children looked after their elderly relatives and, in many families this attitude still abounds. My mother’s daily support allowed my grandmother to live at home until shortly before she died. It was a big commitment, but my mother was driven by a sense of duty to her Mother in Law because there was no one else. I have no doubt that my grandmother lived longer because of this support. It also prevented her from being a burden on the taxpayer.

I’ve never heard “I didn’t ask to be born” from mine. But I definitely felt like I’d wished I’d never been born growing up in the home I did.

I think it completely depends on the relationship you have. And it’s easy to judge if you’ve grown up in a loving secure home.

relationships are complicated, siblings can have differing views despite (on paper) having the same upbringing.

whilst my job as a parent is to prepare my child for adult life and not need me. If they carry on the path they are I know they will willingly be there for me (although I know that may change). I like to think I won’t guilt them, and just if done a good job at allowing them to fly and not need me.

What a sad world you live in… do you only believe in capitalism?

It reads as a student asking a question for a project or another lazy journo doing a bit of 'research'. The OP usually contributes no opinion and never comes back.

This is exactly my thoughts too.

I recently dropped everything to move 4 hrs away to my parents house to care for my dying dad. My mum would not have been able to do it by herself. He wanted to die at home and together we were able to give him that. My dad was an amazing father and yes, I wanted to care for him but also, yes I owed him for all the times he went above and beyond as a parent.

Baby boomer here 😆 world war 2 parents, their constant mantra "you should be grateful" yada yada yada. Yes I get that they had a pretty rough time of it, but unfortunately there was not much I could do about it!! Any argument to the contrary would result in a thick ear so one learned at an early age to keep one's gob shut 😉

This

That's exactly the point the OP is making.
You are helping your aging parents because you love them. Not simply because they are your parents.

Not everyone loves their parents. Not everyone's parents are deserving of love and support. If you have that sort of parent, then you do not automatically owe them anything just because you share DNA.

Some people are also inherently selfish and don't want to help others. I suspect these people will find their own old age quite lonely, but equally that is their choice.

OP won't return.

I personally do not keep score.
I love my parents and actively want to help them in their old age.

I disagree in most circumstances. I think we have a duty of care to our parents and older relatives unless there is specific circumstances to the contrary. This doesn’t mean parents moving in or extensive financial help but does mean we should be offering some assistance as they age and help them with health matters, this might mean arranging external help rather than providing it directly. Some of us actually love and appreciate our parents

Who in the world asks to be born?

Not you op! Not your parents! Not anyone!

It’s a nonsense argument!

But we are all here anyway and so we had better get on with it and make the most of it as best we can! And it’s far from easy sometimes.

It’s a mixed picture bc ultimately it’s a selfish act to have children, but one that involves a lot of selflessness if done properly. No one is obliged to have dc in a free society.

At the same time, you may not want to acknowledge it op, but your parents have, objectively speaking, done a lot for you if you have survived to adulthood and have been fed, kept safe, warm, clothed and your emotional, educational and financial needs have been met. It takes a hell of a lot of consistent effort, patience, love and money to raise a child nowadays.

Obviously none of this applies if your parents were abusive.

But if they have done their best - no parent is perfect - with love and good intentions, then I think you do owe them as much help as you can offer practically, emotionally and financially without undermining your own family.

It’s pretty hard being old. Your health and strength fail. Your friends die. You feel less in control of your life.

My dh and I hope to be as independent from our adult dc as possible and have saved hard so that we can buy in help. And we definitely need to exercise more to keep up our strength. Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves as far as they can, but everyone fails at times too!

And we would never say “after everything I have done for you” or try and make our adult dc feel guilty. Nor would we expect them to do more than they are able, physically, financially, or emotionally. Who knows what the situation will be like when it happens?

But if there is love between you and your parents that is proper unselfish love, and not exploitative, where both parties care and want the best for each other, then I think you should both naturally want to look after each other! It’s not always easy. But proper love isn’t always easy either. It takes a lot of strength to properly love someone else.

And love isn’t an isolated emotion without context. Expressed properly; it’s a verb, and both parties have responsibility not to ask too much of one another, but in a crisis, I think if you love one another, then you naturally want to be there for one another.

Finally, just because something is hard, difficult and uncomfortable doesn’t mean you will feel better if you avoid it!

I think unless the parents have been neglectful or abusive, most people care for elderly parents out of love, respect and loyalty. I care for my elderly parents because I love them, not because I feel I 'owe' then anything. Isn't it normal to feel a sense of obligation and duty in families, unless that family is dysfunctional?

And don’t forget, it’s normal not to have friends.

Something I was thinking about recently is that a lot of 18+ who live at home pay rent to their parents. Based on this, when the older parents then move in with their child later in life, should/do they pay rent to their child?

I know of someone who had to move out of his rented house and his mother wouldn't let him move in with her even temporarily. A couple of years later, the mother needs somewhere to live and moves in with her son who now has his own house.

I wouldn’t say it’s transactional per say but my parents have always been incredibly supportive throughout my life, spend loads of time with the grandkids and go out of their way to help us and in turn we do the same for them.
My in laws are bare minimum, low effort, don’t want to see the kids etc. as such we see them much less frequently and I won’t be looking after them in old age. You get out what you put in in every relationship!

I wouldn’t say it’s transactional per say but my parents have always been incredibly supportive throughout my life, spend loads of time with the grandkids and go out of their way to help us and in turn we do the same for them.
My in laws are bare minimum, low effort, don’t want to see the kids etc. as such we see them much less frequently and I won’t be looking after them in old age. You get out what you put in in every relationship!

I adore my parents and will be looking after them when they’re elderly. I didn’t ask to be born but they’ve put so much effort into our childhoods and are still so supportive now, that it’s only right I repay them - appreciate that this relationship is not the same for everyone though