To think adult children owe their parents nothing?

[CandidDenimSeal]

We always hear “after all I did for you” but children don’t ask to be born. AIBU to think adult kids don’t automatically owe their parents loyalty, care or contact just because of biology?

Yep. I’m doing what I need to do, but I feel like an administrative assistant only. I would love to feel a sense of devotion and love towards my elderly parents as I care for them tenderly in their old age. But the way they brought me up means I have none of that. I will sort out their bills and their cleaner and gardener and their online food shopping etc and that’s it.

I think it's important to look at the bigger picture. Elderly people need help. Not just money or physical care, but help with things like getting to the bank, figuring out what forms you need to fill out online, buying the right kind of compression socks, and so on. Even people in care homes typically need this kind of help, the staff isn't helping them get an appointment with the bank, driving them over, and sitting with them while they discuss their savings plans to make sure everything is in order.

If no one does these things, we have a lot of old people who will be in real trouble. I see some of them in my work and it isn't pretty. Even the elderly jerks and criminals need this sort of help.

So who is meant to give it to them? Strangers with no connection to them, relatives, who else is there? Or do we just want to leave those people to moulder alone?

I don't think it's just about love and appreciation. There is a duty of care to those around us and the people we have the most connection to in our own family, then those in our community, and so on.

There can be times when a family is so fucked up totally cutting ties is appropriate, but that's not the same as saying it's all about love.

I think most people will want to help loving and decent parents, but for love, not a debt of gratitude.

The kind of parent that would say "after all I have done for you", probably wasn't a great parent. "[Everything] they did for you" was probably the absolute minimum and done, not for love, but in the expectation of payback later.

Make no mistake there will never be enough payback to satisfy the debt they think you owe them. Such parents deserve jack-shit from their adult children.

I don’t owe my parents anything and they would never hold that over me. The time I spend with them and things I do for them are because I love them, not because I feel obligated or because it’s my duty. I guess it gets more complicated if your relationship with your parents isn’t as straight forward or if there is a cultural precedent. But generally speaking, I don’t think you should do certain things, ‘put up’ with certain behaviours or keep really harmful people in your life just because you’re related.

I think we owe all other humans a certain level of kindness whether they are family or not. But I think if you’re acting out of obligation for family members, it’s not the healthiest dynamic and worth exploring why. Mostly to avoid growing resentment/burnout. There’s a big difference between having a good or great relationship and wanting to help vs feeling like you have to just because you’re related and resenting every second.

On the flip side, I think parents ‘owe’ their children a lot because they are so central to shaping who they are (personality and mental health wise). The dynamic is totally different. Parents in most cases cannot fairly blame their children for their lot in life but children can rightfully blame their parents for some of theirs (not for everything but for some pretty significant things like substance abuse, anxiety or depression). I’m not saying parents are automatically to blame in these situations, just that they can be.

Women still take the career hit far more often than men for caring responsibilities.