Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

Fine, but the fact you’re saying it was small, it was early etc etc makes it look like you intended to eat with MIL and it changed last minute.

Maybe that upset MIL because she’d anticipated lunch with you, had you said we won’t be eating as we will have had breakfast and not be able to eat lunch, she may have been less upset.

The OP sounds pretty belligerent herself. We will not be dictated to....umm when you have guests you dont go out alone for a weatherspoons breakfast and blow out the lunch plans last minute with your guest leaving them to eat alone as youre still full from your fry up.

You dont have to starve - have breakfast at home. It must have been a big one if you weren't hungry at 14:30 having eaten at 08:30.

It's nothing to do with someone dictating your life - that was bloody rude to the guest.

I'm sorry, but that was really rude

You could have had toast or cereal at home and then gone out for lunch

You put off 'dates' if you have visitors

Questions? Or attempts to trip her up and pick at details in an attempt to do so?It is very clear that some posters on this thread are not simply seeking clarification, but have some sort of dislike of the OP which remains, to me, unfathomable.

Do we have evidence that DH wasn’t in contact throughout that time - could have just been OP given the cold shoulder ?

Honestly, I notice any time an OP mentions that they have MH issues, anxiety, etc, the thread goes downhill and too many posters zero in on that part than the entire situation and then go out of their way to ridicule the OP, nitpick on tiny details and project stuff that wasn’t even in their original post.

I think now OP has clarified I agree. From the way it was written her first post on this wasn’t clear if the breakfast date included MiL. It clearly didn’t. So yes. Very rude.

The OP struggles to see anything wrong with that and so I wonder how her behaviour is generally.

Possibly people have had enough of the constant drama and issues.

Her aunt flying to lanzarote for the first morning of a holiday to support her is absolutely crazy.

Questions, which OP had now confirmed the answers too.

But it was big enough for you not to be hungry when you went out to lunch! It was very rude of you!
I would be pissed off if I had arranged lunch and you go there and said you weren't hungry as you'd been out for breakfast! It is rude to make your guests eat alone!

I agree, how can anyone think her aunt flying to Lanzarote on the first day of the holiday is normal behaviour? Didn't her aunt have a life, a job, a family, or had she deliberately cleared her diary to be on standby.......

I am still in shock that an adult flew out, at cost, to support two adults with one child?

Only that OP has stated

She hasn't been in contact with my husband for 5.5 months until magically popping up wanting to visit..

I suppose it still might not be true.

Yep missed that from the updates.

I would honestly be backing away from this pair.

There would be no more free holidays.There would be no more turning up as a guest to have to eat alone at a planned lunch because of their breakfast date. This is just too much drama.

Actually, I've just realised exactly why MIl went low contact for 6 months and ignored her. She'd had enough of it.

I don’t think that was why she flew out. I think OP’s mum asked aunty to fly out and check on OP because she was concerned after talking to her. OP has said she has mental health problems that her own family are aware of. If this is the case, then we really have no way of knowing whether this was unreasonable or whether it speaks to the significance of the MH issues. OP also said that aunty wouldn’t miss a chance for a holiday in Lanzarote, so who knows.

You don't think that was excessive for a grown married woman and mother to need her aunty there. She had her husband and her motherinlaw who is also a nurse.

Aunty didn't even allow her time to settle in.She literally showed up the next morning on the first morning of the holiday.

That was outrageous.

If her MH is so bad, that it was necessary she needs some kind of intervention and social services support.

I wouldn't pass up on a holiday to Lanza either, but come on, as an adult, who can just afford to pay for a flight, a hotel ( single room ), get time off work, or other commitments at the drop of a hat!
She must either have no commitments or, cleared her diary in anticipation.
If the OP needs that much support with her MH that her aunt had to drop everything and fly out be with her, then maybe going on holiday isn't in her best interest.

I wasn’t sure if the breakfast date included MiL from the original wording - if so, there would have been a case for OP skipping lunch, but now OP’s clarified I think it depends on whether MiL dropped on them or was invited. Personally I would still have vetoed the ‘breakfast date’ in either scenario, but there do seem to be some issues with the amount of time MiL was spending with them prior to the holiday - OP mentioned in the same post that during that six months she was relieved not to have to cater for MiL on her weekends off. Makes me wonder how much OP sees as an imposition.

Exactly my point!

But why was the aunt able to do it - I think she already cleared her diary to be on hand - which makes me suspect ( and yes I know I am projecting ) OP has form for this

I dont see her as an imposition at all, as stated in my original post I saw her as a 3rd motherly figure (after my own mother and my step mum who has been in my life for 22 years). I did get on with MIL and never had an issue with her visiting and always welcomed her. When she's over stepping and trying to take over everything in regards to DD yes it was a nice break not having to constantly feel side lined and like I have to be on best behaviour like in a church (she's a practicing Catholic so very by the bible)

@Thedoorisalwaysopen why did your aunt fly out? Why did another adult feel the need to pay for a flight and a hotel to support you, that isn't a holiday, that's the job of a carer!

You didn’t cope very well with the flight and the holiday. All that aside, if it was my daughter in law I hope I would try to help with the baby and at least ask if she is ok and try to calm the situation.
I can’t imagine seeing my son and his wife struggle with my grandchild and do nothing.

And we come full circle. OP didn’t want to go on the holiday herself. But her DH wasn’t going to pass up a free holiday regardless of whether she was fit or not, so he persuaded her against what was clearly her better judgement, in view of what happened. She can’t win can she ?

If she didn't want to go on holiday then she should have put her big girl pants on and said no! She didn't have a passport and neither did the baby, so all she had to say was no.

If OP cannot say no to a holiday, what else isn't she going to say no to?

All that aside, if it was my daughter in law I hope I would try to help with the baby and at least ask if she is ok and try to calm the situation.

Perhaps she would have done if Op's Aunt hadn't turned up?

Sounds as if people might be holding on to grudges!